I looked in the mirror horrified at what I saw.
The scar on my face hooked from the top of my cheek to middle of my neck.
It was gaping open and dripping blood on my shirt.
People close to me had their own scars but they were closed and healed. A little bit of makeup and you could hardly tell they were ever hurt.
I started to feel embarrassed, left out. I tried to ask my friends for help but they acted like they couldnt see it, but I knew they could I KNEW they could.
I went back to the mirror and tried to hold the wound together. If I walk around with my hand like this for a while everything will be ok, maybe it can close up on its own.
But it wasnt, the more I tried to hide the scar, the more nervous and angry I became.
I freaked out and pleaded to people for help, doctors, nurses, everyone pretended they didnt notice
Finally I came upon another nurse. I decided to calm down and talk to her rationally.
Excuse me, Maam? I really need your help could I speak with you privately?
She seen the bleak look in my eyes and agreed to speak with me.
We went behind a curtain and I sat down and started to talk.
Do you see this scar? I let go of the grip on my face so she could see me for an instant. There was blood caked in my nails as I quickly glanced at my hand.
She looked at me then she averted her eyes.
Instead of getting angry again, I ignored the uncomfortable look in her eyes and started tell her what I was going through
My heart was beating so fast and my hand was shaking still covering my face. I took a deep breath and started to speak
The first time this happened, I gave it time and it healed. The second time this happened, I gave it time and it healed. I have been cut and hurt in the same spot over and over and it has always healed; maybe in different ways but people couldnt notice, half the time I wouldnt even notice. The scars on the people I care about are all healed; I dont even notice them anymore How can this still be bleeding?
I put my elbows on my knees, spread both hands over my face smearing the blood over my forehead and into my hair, I didnt care anymoreI looked up at her I think Im losing my mind
She cut her eyes back to me and stood up. I couldnt tell what she was thinking; I just was praying that she would help me. Give me medication, sew my face back together, call a doctor, maybe they could take me into surgery... SomethingAnything
She walked over to me and lifted her eyebrows as if she was worried that I was going to hit her?
Do you mind? She put her fingers under my chin and lifted up my face.
You have become ugly on the inside holding a scar together on the outside that isnt healing, something nobody can help you with.
You will have to heal in a new way that you may not understand. She left the room.
I did understand. I was sick of being embarrassed, avoided, and distrusted because I let an injury destroy who I used to be. I cant heal the same unfortunately this means I cant be the same.
I let go of the scar and felt a gust of air smack me in the face searing pain through my entire body. I fell to my knees and let the blood fall forming a puddle on the floor. I couldnt cry and I wasnt scared. I felt nothing. There was one thing I knew if I knew nothing else
I could not hold it together any more.