Governmental Policies

by Robert Hatfield

I know the government is really out to protect us; whatever. Why else did we have drills in school where we curled up under our desks to protect us from a nuclear attack? I was the best tucker. If I had only known that it was just a way to get you into a nice little pile of ash so sweeping you up into a garbage bag was more cost effective, I would have lay spread-eagle on the floor and flipped a couple birds for the cleanup crew.

What about chewing a pill that turned all your teeth red so you could learn to brush them properly. Brush your teeth and look in the mirror to see how well you did. I brushed my teeth, lady, I thought you were given us cinnamon Red-Hots. I ate fifteen of them. My trips to the bathroom still give me nightmares.

Standing in line for a lice check was the best. Laughing at the kids on public display as dirty scumbags. It wasnt so funny when I had to go through the line three times. Look nurse, you are a nurse right? I live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. Ive got a tick on my sac named Fred thats the size of a white grape. Wanna see it?

Robert, did you do your homework, No. Well, Im sending home a note with you to show to your parents, have them sign it and return it tomorrow. My Dad was all over this one. He writes back saying to paddle me whenever I didnt have my homework done. My teacher, Mrs. Gill would ask everyone to pass their homework up and after shuffling through the papers she would ask where mine was. Didnt get it done. She would open a side drawer and get a paddle out. More of a paint stirrer really. Into the hall and I grabbed my ankles. Three swats later and I was consoling her. Really, Mrs. Gill, please dont cry. You didnt even break the skin on the welts from where my Dad laid into me from your note.

Disheartened, she gave the privilege over to the Vice-Principal. Now she would call on the intercom for him every morning. Whoop tie doo. That turned into a bit of a problem for yours truly when we saw the shop teacher from the High school walking past the Baseball fields swinging something. That something was a four foot paddle with rows of holes in it that turned seniors into sniveling 2 year olds. N.A.S.A. had sent over the specs from N.O.R.A.D. The Vice-Principal took a weekend aero-dynamics class to get that just right fit on my sweet spot. He also started his mornings with a cup of coffee and waited for me at the door to the classroom.

Lets talk about the clout this is giving me with the rest of the class. I was smaller than most of the boys in my class. Not once did I have someone bully me. This unforeseen benefit only strengthened my resolve.

The Vice-Type Guy took a vacation for a week that year and for some reason we had a male substitute teacher as well. The first day he had me stand in front of the class by his desk and told the sheep, I mean students, to put their heads down on their desks. Anyone one caught looking would get paddled as well. He swung the paddle and smacked the side of the desk. The kids jerked at the sound in unison. He gave me a look that said, Tell anyone and you get it for real. Man, I thought, How do you do that with your eyebrows? Apparently he saw this as ridiculous as I did.

This turned into a D.Y.I project after a phone call to the old man. Now the plan was to send home a Photostat copy of a slip that read, Was homework completed_______ then the teacher would put a checkmark on it to show that it was done. Come on people, Im almost 10 years old. It was no time before I was putting a checkmark on it myself. This little glitch was soon discovered and solved by Pops. Now they had to write in the words, CHECK or NO CHECK. Man just choke my dumbass and get it over with.This went on for the rest of the year until someone noticed I was squinting all the time. I wasnt able to see the chalkboard and was not taking full advantage of our Educational System. Hell, I thought I was seeing what everyone else was. I was a kid for crying out loud.

My 5th grade teacher Mr. Riddle was an ex-marine and figured out my inability to adjust to the Status Quo. After a brilliant speech I had given on how our economy could be run without a monetary system, explaining in detail how we could all be given the things we need for free and all of mankind could live in peace and harmony, he reared back in his chair and shouted, OH MY GOD, youre a commie. Thats o.k. The next day he called me the next Ronald McDonald. That hurt.

By Robert S. Hatfield

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