JAYLA'S HEARTRENDING JOURNEY By: Thia
She started out trying to be a strong woman; telling herself she didn't need to bother people with her problems, but she would help and listen to others whenever they needed. She thought she could handle things, anything, everything; little did she realize she was slowly shutting down and shutting out everyone in her life; her family her friends and her Love.
She isolated herself for 10 years. Keeping every emotion and every feeling locked down inside; it was normal now, it became part of her personality part of who she was. It wore on her tremendously, but most people didn't know, even her friends and family, because she wore her smile well. She often found she was fighting herself, wanting to say something or speak to them about what may have been going on with her at times, but she would always blow it off, and in her mind saying what she really wanted to say to them; instead of replying "nothing" or "I'm fine". Living like that for so long, inside she felt alone, scared, confused, abandoned, unsure, ashamed, secluded, and helpless. Truth be told she blinded herself. A learned behavior that one day she would have to unlearn if she ever wanted clarity.
She didn't get out much, she had no real outlet to let some things off her chest, to unwind or just relax.
One day she decided to write her thoughts and feelings down in a book, and that was all she wrote; she actually liked it; she may have found an outlet. She wrote everyday.
She was going through some shit; darkest days she had ever seen. So she wrote:
"The hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life; was to watch My Love, love someone else. They say a broken heart is a heart that has felt love, but I say; it takes a strong heart to love, and a stronger heart to continue to love after it has been broken. Watch what I watched, feel what I felt. It pained me to be quiet when my heart wanted to speak; so I cried. The tears on my blank pages wrote the words my heart couldn't speak. The hardest thing I ever had to endure in my life was to watch My Love, love someone else."
And with the ink off the paper; she was a different person; soul; entity; even more detached, she was depressed; dark, dismal; desolate; dreary; she felt deserted; completely devastated, her live was destroyed.
She was sick to her stomach most of the time; she lost a lot of weight, but something in her knew she wasn't right. One day it was like the real person she was finally awoke from a coma. She didn't like who she became, she knew she needed to change; but how? She had a lot of weight on her chest, she really wanted to let someone in, but was very reluctant and didn't know who; she didn't want to be judged or talked about.
Writing has helped her some, but it wasn't enough. She knew she was really a people person and could strike up a conversation with almost anyone; she thought to herself maybe she should talk to someone who doesn't know her, it would be easier for her, and that's exactly what she did.
She took a chance, reached out and spoke. She was scared, but got up the nerve. Her journey has begun.
The first time they talked she could tell it was different, there was an ease about it, a fondness; it was nice, it just felt right to her. For a few hours she had forgotten she was blind, living in darkness. She could actually see.
She looked forward to talking a little everyday, didn't matter about what or how long. She found an outlet, she found a friend.
She could count on her friend to make her smile and laugh; give her words of encouragement; let her vent; or make her think about things she didn't want to, but needed to.
Through all the dense, heavy hurt her heart was breathing, she knew at least once a day she'd get a breath of fresh air.
She has close family and friends she could talk to, but hasn't in a very long time; *sigh* if they only knew. It felt great to actually have a friend she could really talk to.
For over a year she had been going through some shit and she felt like she had been in an emotional amusement park and ridden every ride. Emotionally; physically; and mentally; worn out to put it lightly.
They got to know more about each other and started connecting more. They respected, cared, appreciated and help each other; it was nice; knowing she had someone in her corner. They grew affection for one another.
She was beginning not to feel alone; abandoned; confused; ashamed; secluded or helpless. She started analyzing herself; her life.
Correcting her vision; she started to see, to see good things in herself, her spirits started lifting, she felt happier, her thinking was clearer she was more focused, confident, determined, she started believing in herself.
She wanted to take her life back, and be her true self. The more she did the less they spoke. There was a mature awareness that it would eventually happen, but there was also a mutual understanding they didn't want it to happen.
The day has come, she realizes she can't have her life or her Love fully back if they continue to talk. She was scared, but got up the nerve.
She sent a message; shortly after she received a phone call; the final call. The phone rang once and she knew, the phone rang twice and her heart ached, but she picked it up anyway.
Through their invisible tears, their mutual love was exchanged, there was a long emotional embrace, neither one wanted to hang up. Thank you""..thank you, goodbye""..goodbye.
And like that a true, genuine friendship vanished; but she journeys on a stronger woman.