Falling to a Fallen Angel

by Alp Dugen

I could never imagine that one day I'll fall in love with a married woman. I always respected marriage institution. For me it's sacred and important.

To promise someone that you'll always love her that you'll always be with her. And for that reason it is a huge commitment for me.

I could never imagine that I could feel the things right now to somebody else's wife. Should I feel ashamed? I don't think so. The one thing that I respect more than marriage is Love.

God! I love her so much. The first time I saw her, I just held my breath and it felt like I will not be able to breathe again in my life. The moment I saw her pretty face, I didn't want to see anything else for the rest of my life.

And those shiny blue eyes, I could spend rest of my life just sitting there and stare at them.

Eyes so blue that could make you feel relax and happy how mad, exhausted and helpless you are. On the other hand when you get caught by them you also feel helpless like an animal stunned by a car's front lights. You know you're going to die, but you can't help yourself from staring at them. When I'm around her I become someone else. I feel so happy. Once upon a time I did not want weekends to end but now I never want weekends to come. I just want to be able to work 7 days a week just to see her everyday. To hear her voice" to look into her eyes"

Every time I think about her, I know she's going to break my heart so bad. I know I'm going to be so mess that I'll need quite sometime to recover. But I can't stop thinking about her. She is so beautiful. But beauty is just a start. She is smart, talented, and funny. We share many common interests like videogames, movies, music. And I'm sure she likes cars like me too and sports as well. She is like a perfect one for me.

But"Lately I think a lot. God! Why her? Why me? Why now? I have a very nice relationship. It is a long-distance relationship but we've managed to be together for more than 1 year. I like her. She is kind, sincere, not so smart, and not so beautiful but she has a very good heart. One of the best kind hearted person I've ever known in my life. But the most important thing is she loves me. I know she loves me. She is afraid to lose me. She always says that I'm too good for her. Am I? I don't think so" Because of that I sometimes want to feel regret; How can I be unfaithful to such a nice person. I can't break her heart. I don't want to. I don't know what to do"

I guess all those words bring me to the one of the oldest questions of mankind: Should I listen to my heart or my mind? Or both may be? That can be the ideal one; never leave your girlfriend, never let her leave her husband but have a passionate, secret relationship with her. Oh I'm sure I don't want her to leave her husband for me, I can't want that and also I know she won't. God! I am not even sure she likes me. But one thing I'm sure she knows that I like her. Every woman feels it easily. As men we're so untalented about not showing our feelings. At least I am. She knows that I want to look at her but I'm fighting with myself to not to.

I listen love songs recently, all the ones I loved to listen when I'm younger and the ones I recently discover. Some Bon Jovi, Guns'n Roses, Radiohead, My Chemical Romance, Muse, X-Japan etc. I'm doing the same thing for the movies as well. All the love movies"that touch my heart everytime I watch them. And the things I feel certainly don't help. They make me feel sad and confused. I should stop looking for the answers in lyrics and quotes. This is one of my bad habits I guess.

I sometimes think about talking to her but I can't do that, because I don't know what she feels about me. But on the other hand I can never know that waiting like this. I just need a sign that shows me that she has an interest in me. And I don't know what kind of sign I need to wait for.

The situation is so fragile; if I talk to her and it turns out that she doesn't like me than everything can be ruined. I can lose everything. I don't know if I want to risk that. But I don't want anything other than to be with her right now. I can't help myself dreaming about her. I mostly dream about making love to her. Touching her hair, her face kissing her eyes and lips and I want to make love to her. Make her happy" make her mine" It feels like nothing make me happier right now. I want to kiss her face, ears, her neck, touch her soft skin" I want to feel her heart pounding. I want to feel her breath. I want to synchronize our heartbeats while she is in my arms and we go into sleep. I want to wake up earlier than her and I want to watch her beauty without waking her up. And when she wakes up I want her to catch me while I'm watching her. I want to see that gorgeous smile on her face. I want to see her perfect blue eyes shine with the sun light. I want to spend my whole day with her. Have a nice breakfast together, go shopping, catch a movie, drink coffee, enjoy conversations and make love again. Then" watch her to return to her husband and I want to miss her until I meet her again. I know I can't buy or give things that her husband can give to her. I know I can't take her everywhere she wants. But at least I know I can try everything I can do to make her happy. And I'm sure I can love her so much that nobody loves her before. But I know this won't be enough for her. She likes fancy cars, fancy clothes and she loves money like every other pretty girl. She is so beautiful. She is like an angel even more beautiful than angels. Her beauty is beyond compare. There are no words to describe her beauty.

And I've fallen to her"

I know I'm hopeless. I know this thing won't have a happy ending. But I still want to shoot this movie. I do LOVE her. What can I do? What am I going to do? I LOVE her" I'll always LOVE her"

Whenever I see her, whenever I look at her gorgeous smile, I feel like I'm the happiest man on earth. She has some kind of spell on me that I haven't figured out yet. She is like my sun and I'm revolving around her and I never want to stop" But actually she is someone else's sun" I wish I could hold her and I want her to lean her head to my shoulder. I want to touch her hair, feel it, smell it" God I LOVE her so much" I want to hold her tiny hands and never leave them ever. I want to kiss her lips until we both can't breathe anymore. I want to touch her tiny nose with my big nose Š I want to kiss her ears and make her ticklish" I want to make her smile. I want to make her laugh. God I Love her smile and her laugh.

I think I LOVE everything about her. I think this is LOVE"

She has the most beautiful eyes in the world. The color of blue that makes you feel like you are looking at the deepest and scariest ocean in the world. The more you look the more you feel like diving. I f you look more you want to look more which means you dive deeper and deeper. And a time comes that if you look more you know you can not go back to the surface which means you suffocate. You will feel suffocate. But you can't resist it because who knows what is more you can see down there you want to touch the bottom of that ocean which means her soul I think. I want to see her soul. I want to see the deep down of the ocean. I want to see the beauties down there. And I don't want anybody to see there. I wish I could die there. Maybe I will"

Now I believe that she is my perfect soul-mate. I want her to be a part of me. She is already a part of me. Forever" And I still don't have any clue how she feels about me??? I have no idea if she likes me? I don't even know if she wants to look at me. I wish I could read her mind. I wish I could look at her beautiful eyes and see what she is thinking right now. I know what I want; I want her. But what about her? What does she want? for her" for me"

God! No one can imagine how much I want to talk to her right now. I want to say: How beautiful she is, how smart she is, how talented she is, how lovely and joyful she is" so on" and I want to tell her that how lucky her husband is to have her. Yes, I'm jealous with him. I think he is the luckiest man on earth that he found her and married to her. I hope he never hurts her. I hope he can love her as much as I do. I doubt that.

Why life has to be so cruel? Why I always meet with wrong girl at the right time and right girl at the wrong time. I guess I'm cursed or simply is it what they call LIFE???

I wish she could read this right now. If she ever does; I want to say:

"I'm sorry if I ever hurt you with my actions or my words. Even if I did, I never meant to do so. If you ever need me, I'll always be there for you because I Love you. I love you so much than you ever know. I just don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you to be sad. I can't ask you to change anything in your life unless you want to. I can't encourage you to do anything. I know you have responsibilities. So do I. But on the other hand I know that I can't be happy in my life if I won't be with you. That's so bad. That's so sad. But I guess this is life. And these choices make us who we are. It always has been like this. Maybe you are mad at me right now. But please don't. I just wanted you to know how I've been feeling about you, us, and everything. That's all I wanted. Please don't hate me. This is the last thing I could ever want in my life."

I'm going to bed now. I wish I can see her angel face in my dreams until I see it in real" until tomorrow morning"

Today she broke my heart. She has broken it so bad. It's shuttered into million pieces. I wanted to hate her but I couldn't. But I decided to not love her anymore. She hurt me and showed me her true face. She told me that I'm damaged goods? Fuck that. What kind of saying is that? She said she was joking. I haven't heard a joke anything like that before. She hurt me bad. But I'm reason for this. I let her did that to me. She thinks that she is so perfect.

I'm not gonna love her anymore" I won't" The angel has fallen"

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