I was at the mall in the semi attached CVS pharmacy getting a pack of smokes. The last gift was bought when I saw the line to Santa was short. Thinking the wife would get a kick out of a photo of me with St. Nick, so I qued up.
An old gentleman with a true beard gave me a smile as I approached, but his eyes betrayed him showing contempt for either, a grown man getting his picture with Santa, or weeks of being covered in snot and soiled with pissed.
As I took a space next to his chair, his elf Danny said he would be back in just a moment, after he retrieved some fresh batteries.
Kris played his role and asked me what I wanted for Christmas, but I could hear the sneer in voice. I looked down and his ruddy face told me, "I fucking hate you and I dare you to do something about it."
Oh Santa, I just want you to be happy.
Come now boy, don't you want something for yourself? Something for your husband perhaps? He smirked and pursed his lips looking at my wedding ring.
Well Santa, that ring is from my wife, but since you ask there is something I want. Something I desperately need.
I leaned down to whisper and was hit with the odor of ketones, telling me it was not ice tea that Mr. Kringle sipped all day. Santa I am in a bind. What I really want for Christmas is an abortion.
The not so jolly old elf leaned away from me wide eyed as elf Danny announced his return.
Your wife should get an abortion. You should never be around kids, you asshole, Santa said seething.
Alright, big smiles!
I straightened my posture and spoke through a ventriloquist's grin. Your right and your wrong Santa. My wife is not pregnant, it is one of my students.
I just hope this morning after cure, shaking a little pharmacy bag, does the trick.
I scurried over to Danny, snatch up my photo, and nearly bolted for the car.
My wife called to say she was almost home from work. I hid the cigarettes in my sock drawer, and started dinner to cover up the ashtray smell. When she walked in I gave her a fresh Scope kiss and told her she had a gift on the table. She picked up the card and squinted.
Is that you with Santa!?, she asked almost in a giggle as turned up the dimmer switch.
Ugh, she grunted and her face took on a sour look.
Don't you like it?
No. Santa looks like he has just seen ghost and you have that creepy Bundy smile you get sometimes. Through it away.
OK dear, let me finish this last cupcake for my class tomorrow. No eat one of the others. This one has a special frosting.