Why Me?

by Rachel

This is not right, I know it can't be. What is he thinking? He's just standing there with a blank pale look to his face. What am I even really thinking? I wish he would just go ahead and say something to break this awful silence, I can't handle it any more. It's only been like 10 seconds and I have so much flying through my head already. I'm wondering what I'm going to do, how I will go on in life, what is going to be the reaction of everyone else, will it be excepted? There's just too much for me not to know right now.

"Why don't we go take another one, just to make sure the test didn't come out wrong? Maybe it's not right," Kyle said.

Kyle was my boyfriend of about a year and a half. We didn't have the perfect relationship but we loved each other, that one thing that just couldn't ever be denied. He was tall with dark hair and eyes and completely handsome to me, even if others didn't agree. I loved how smart he was, not just about common things but stuff you would never expect someone to know so much about, I just loved it. Today was one of those days when I couldn't believe he could say something so completely stupid.

"That's impossible! A pregnancy test never comes out positive if your not pregnant, there are special hormones that only pregnant women get. Besides, I have already missed my period and you know that we messed up that one time when we had sex," I responded to him in a kind of rude way.

I could see it in his eyes that he knew this was real, but he too did not know how to take it. It just couldn't really sink in to either of us. That night we went back to the house we were staying at because we were watching it for a friend. We were kind of being awkward to one another but the situation all around was just way too weird for us.

We needed to figure out what we were going to do.

Finally, I just broke down crying to Kyle and just about 5 minutes later he did the same. It was so comforting to know that he could show his emotions over what was going on. We sat together on the couch just squeezing one another and crying when finally he said something.

"What do you want to do about this, you know I don't believe in abortions don't you?"

It was really interesting to hear him say that, but it was also very comforting at the same time. The reason I found it so interesting was because I couldn't believe we had been having sex so carelessly for so long, and have never even talked about this before. It was comforting to know that we shared the same beliefs about abortion.

"I didn't know that, but I agree with you completely on that. I would never be able to have an abortion, but I'm not to sure about keeping a kid so young in my life. Kyle I'm only sixteen and your only seventeen how can we possibly take care of a kid? How in the world could we afford it," I asked him hoping he felt the same?

The way he just sat there without giving me the quick response I was hoping for made me feel really nervous. I wonder if he could possible be sure on wanting to keep the kid in his head, because out loud to me he didn't see to agree with what I had said. This is going to be even harder if we can't agree on what to do. Even if we did agree we would have to get our parents to feel the same way also. This is so hard and tough, I just don't understand why me?

"Well I know that whether or not you want this baby, I do. There's no way my child is going to anyone else or being terminated," He said in a very serious manner as he kind of felt at distance to me.

He did want to keep this baby, but are we what it deserves? Can I give this child everything it needs, the perfect life it should have? I didn't know what to think anymore, but as I sat there it began to sink into my head, I am going to be a mother. I will have a child on this earth whether it stays with me or is with a family somewhere else, I will be carrying a child for nine months in my stomach. It was all so much for me to think about.

"Do you honestly think that we can do this? It's such a huge step in life that I was planning on facing when I was 30 and ready, which I am not even close to right now," I said to him, in a way hoping to steer his mind in another direction. The thing was that I didn't even know where I was trying to lead him to, I just knew having a kid was a scary thought.

"I know I'm keeping this child, how could you possibly think of doing anything else with something that you created and is a part of you? I don't understand the way you are thinking right now Jessie. Let's just go to sleep and we will talk about this tomorrow, I want you to sleep on it and really think about the situation you are facing," Kyle told me in a very mature style, he was right. I needed to really think about everything before I make such sure decisions.

As the days went by we told my mother and father about the news, we told Kyle's family too. They all took it so wonderfully and wanted to support their grandchild one hundred percent. I had sat back and thought about things a lot and the one thing that made me sick to my stomach was that I ever had the thought in my head to give my baby away to someone else. The situation has pretty much been solved, at least that part of it. We were going to keep this baby and raise it together, whether or not we were romantically together.

I know there will be many struggles to having this baby, but the hardest one was the decision I had to make right from the start. I still don't really understand that because I can't even imagine how I thought any other way now that I realize this baby is growing inside of me. Life will be hard but I will continue to go on and succeed throughout it.

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