The problem with werewolves is that they are always trying to be so god-damn noble, while at the same time trying to play the victim. Serious whiners. Always telling you to get as far away from them as you can get. That they can't control themselves. Makes me sick. The worst part is that it drives the chicks wild. Easiest way to score is to tell a chick that you're a werewolf. Just make sure it's not a full moon when you're telling her.
So anyway, this guy corners me at the office one day while I'm waiting for a fifty page report to print off. His name's Neil Oystrum. Serious nerd. Starts telling me about how it's his birthday, but his friends are out of town. Says that he's getting a bunch of people from the office to go out and celebrate at a bar. I tell him that I'll go, but don't expect me to get him a present, or buy him a drink. Oystrum is kind of annoying, and a serious loser, but most of the guys are cool, so if they are going it should be a fun night out. Hopefully we can all get Oystrum drunk enough so that he pays for all our drinks.
So later on that night I show up at the bar, and unfortunately I'm only the second person to show, behind Oystrum. I tried going an hour later than Oystrum said so that I could avoid this situation. More than likely no one else is going to show, and for some reason they all forgot to tell me the plan was to ditch Oystrum. Serious assholes. He's already got a table and suggests we wait for everyone else inside, even though I doubt anyone else is going to show. We get to ordering drinks, and he tries to get a few conversations off the ground, all of which I have no interest in whatsoever. The whole time he's talking to me I am occupied with two things; seeing if there are any babes in the bar worth staying there for, and thinking of any and all excuses to leave if there aren't. Just as I expected, Oystrum can't hold his alcohol and is already sloppy drunk off of two drinks. This makes it easy enough for me to leave and not have to worry about any awkwardness, since he probably won't remember.
So as I am getting up to get ready to leave, I see two drop dead gorgeous chicks across the bar. Serious babes. I begin walking in their direction, already picking out an ice breaker that I've used hundreds of times before, but Oystrum decides to grab onto the cuff of my shirt. He leans over and says he has something to admit to me. Great. I ask him what it is. He tells me he is a werewolf. Great.
When I look back over to the two girls, I see they are actually making their way towards me. This isn't too surprising, considering I am very attractive, and in excellent shape. I take a minute to think over my situation, with Oystrum still clinging to my shirt, and decide to use it to my advantage. I wave the two girls towards our table and formulate my game plan.
"Hey guys." Blonde says as she and Brunette take seats at our table.
"Hello ladies. You are in luck, because my buddy Oystrum has just offered to buy us a round of drinks." I say.
"I'll take a melon ball." says Blonde.
"I'll have a cosmo." says Brunette. I lose all interest in Brunette and decide that I will try and sleep with Blonde, only because I fucking hate cosmo's.
"Great, I'll go get those. Hey, do you chicks like werewolves?" I ask.
Blonde shrugs her shoulders in a very uninterested manner, but Brunette's eyes light up, "Why? Are you guys"?" she points at the both of us, really not needing to say the last word.
"I'm not, but my buddy Oystrum definitely is, isn't that right Oystrum?" I ask.
Oystrum shoots me a look that is half nervous and half betrayed. I just laugh and say, "I'll be right back with those drinks.", and then leave him there. From the bar I notice Brunette engaging conversation with Oystrum, while Blonde is kind of hanging back, not interested. Perfect.
Things keep going perfect for the next hour and it looks like Blonde is definitely coming home with me. Oystrum looked like a sure shot to get lucky tonight also, but the fact that he can't hold his alcohol is definitely killing his game. I finally convince Blonde to ditch her friend and go home with me, after I offer to call Oystrum and Brunette a cab. She thinks it's really sweet of me. Awesome.
Luckily the next day is my day off from work, so after driving Blonde home, I call up my new personal trainer. I go through a new personal trainer almost every month. The reason I go through so many of them is because I fire them the instant that I see that they can't keep up with me. This happens quite often as I am always getting stronger and faster thanks to constant dieting and serious exercise. This new guy is pretty good, but I am starting to see him slow down. I decide to push myself extra hard today and leave him behind so that I can add him to my list. He wasn't going to last long without me trying to outdo him, and when I actually start exerting myself, he falls way behind. Serious wimp. I hand him his pay and fire him.
The following day at work it's my turn to corner Oystrum at work. He seems to get a little anxious when he sees me coming up to his desk. He starts looking around and I can even see a slight sheen of sweat spread across his forehead. Makes me think he has a crush on me or something.
"So did you get anywhere with Brunette, or did you pass out as soon as I left you the other night?" I ask him.
"I didn't get anywhere, no." he tells me, furthering my belief that he has a crush on me.
"So were you serious when you told me you were a werewolf?" I ask him.
"Shh. Keep your voice down, man." he says urgently, like everyone in the room is concerned with what we are talking about.
"What's the problem, afraid you're going to get fired or something? They can't fire you because of that, there's all kinds of laws to make sure that can't happen." I tell him in a sarcastic manner trying to make fun of him being worried over nothing.
"Look, I told you that, thinking it would be something that stayed between you and me. I really don't want it getting out, ok?"
"Ok, geez." I said. Oystrum really knew how to take the fun out of anything I was realizing. Serious downer.
"Listen, it's already starting to ruin my life at home, I don't need it to start affecting me at work too." I really did not need him to elaborate, but he went ahead and did so anyway "My landlord is just about ready to kick me out, because of all the noise I make and all the damage I do every full moon when I turn."
I was getting pretty fed up with his sad story, until I started formulating something in my brain.
"Hey, being a werewolf probably has it's benefits though right?" I asked him.
"Like what?" Oystrum asked me, trying to act a little offended.
"Well besides being a chick magnet, that's an obvious perk, I bet you are pretty fit when you are in your werewolf state, aren't you?"
"What are you getting at?"
"Listen, I've got a deal for you, you tell me what you think of it, ok?" I asked him, wanting to cut the bullshit and get to the point. "I've got a place where you can wolf out all you want. It's an abandoned hunting lodge in the middle of the fucking woods. It's falling apart and good for nothing, and it's the only thing that old bastard left me when he died."
"You'd really let me go there during full moons?" Oystrum asked me, getting all gushy.
"Yeah, but listen, here's the deal: You need to help me board this place up and get it solid enough so that you can't escape."
"Oh, yeah definitely, I'll help out doing anything you want. I'll even buy all the material."
"Yeah, I know you're going to buy all the material. Here's the other part of the deal - When the full moon rolls around, you're not going to be the only one locked up in there."
"What are you getting at?" he asked me very hesitantly.
"I'm going in there with you. I imagine that when you are a wolf, I am going to look very tasty to you, and you are going to want to chase me around some?"
"Are you insane?"
"No, I'm just the most physically fit person that I know, and I want to prove that you werewolves aren't all you're cracked up to be. I'll forever be the guy who is famous for outrunning a werewolf for an entire night."
"You are a moron." Oystrum said to me, although he eventually took me up on my offer.
We set to work on my grandpa's shitty hunting lodge. The place needed a lot of work but it was nothing that I couldn't handle. Oystrum wasn't able to keep up with me at all throughout the whole process, and I ended up doing most of the work. This just bolstered my confidence for the upcoming workout I was about to receive. The cottage itself was fairly large, and it had plenty of rooms. I spent a little time thinking up some type of strategy, incase I needed one. More than likely I wasn't going to need one, because I doubted the severely out of shape Oystrum would be able to keep up with me, even as a werewolf. I was psyched for the full moon.
Oystrum gave me one last warning before the sun was about to set on the night of the full moon. I didn't buy into his noble bullshit, and continued doing my stretches. He stopped trying to convince me to give it up, which was good, because he was starting to get on my nerves. I was happy because of all the money I would be saving on personal trainers that couldn't keep up with me. Oystrum's transformation when the moon came out took way longer than I thought it was going to, and I started to stiffen up while I was waiting for him. I should have started stretching a few minutes later than I did. That's the only reason that he dragged me down about a minute into the workout. Probably a little longer than that, even though I wasn't ready.
But now I'm a ghost, which sucks because ghosts are the only thing I hate more than werewolves. Chicks are more likely to hook up with a homeless dude than they are with a ghost. People can't even see me most of the time, which is a shame, because I was so good looking. Serious bummer.