Barnyard Taylor: An Introduction

by Mark Alexander

We are acquainted with the discoveries of modern science: physics, biology, chemistry and astronomy. On a day neither far in the future, nor further in the past, a great announcement was made. A press conference beamed on the screens of all televisions throughout the world spread the message: life was discovered on a distant planet, revolving about a distant star. The star was known as Beta S 42 S Quire. The planet was yet to be named, for it was proper, the discovers believed, that the life on that planet ought name itself.

Barnyard Taylor, a Captain of the first rank of the sixteenth century Elizabethan Royal Navy, who was no stranger to discoveries and explorations, and who in his four hundred years of life had both conquered and bequeathed great tracts of land, realized the significance of the announcement; but he realized that there was more to discovery than a tidy announcement made by men in bowties.

In discovery, said he, the sword must be in its scabbard for show of peace, but one's fighting hand must never leave its hilt, lest there be an antagonistic surprise. These surveyors, for that is what they are, carrying in their portmanteaus snazzy sextants and fantastic abacuses, they look at the stars and say "We have it!" But of course they do not. They have neither a sword, nor a scabbard, and ne'er even a hand on a hilt ready for action. I will take action for them, and henceforth, demonstrate to them the real meaning of discovery.

Taylor prepared his crew, who like him, were ever ready for adventure. Within four and twenty hours, his ship the Parcivale set sail on the Atlantic. Their quest: Beta S 42 S Quire; their goal, to rekindle the old spirit of discovery.

No sooner did the Parcivale leave the harbor than a great gust did take its sails. In a matter of moments, the ship took to the sky and headed toward the stars. Taylor took his telescope and pointed to Beta S 42 S Quire and cried: Whither we head, boys, whither!

The journey of four billion light years took Taylor and his crew thirty-five days to complete. On Parcivale's arrival, the living creatures of the planet of Beta S 42 S Quire went to the landing spot and greeted Taylor and his crew with great cries, cheers and acclamations.

Taylor jumped from the deck to the shore and cried: Home boys, for home!

The crew followed his lead. They committed great rapine upon the natives. In exchange for their rapine, and pillaging, they erected schools, fire stations, computer labs, and churches for their self-improvement. Taylor erected a head office for the government of the natives. He appointed several councilors to advise him, and to execute his orders to the best of their abilities. The councilors were all officers of the Elizabethan Royal Navy.

For her highness's pleasure and for the greater ideals of human discovery, said Taylor, we erect our standards and schools and hereby name this planet, offspring of Beta S 42 S Quire, Sunton.

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