Two Plus Two Makes Five?

by Matt Triewly

We're on the road just above the shore. The missus and me that is. In the car. Parked and just finishing off our baguettes which I prepared before we went out. The filling for the missus's baguette was grated cheese, and mine was grated cheese and tomato. Simple but tasty.

I watch a car pull up at one of the houses down the road. The house is constructed of wood and three storeys high. It's in an expensive area.

I notice that the occupants of the car are both women. I'm just about to turn away and look somewhere else when I see them embrace and kiss each other. I decide not to turn away. I keep looking. I'm curious. Nosy.

The passenger door opens and a woman who looks to be late thirties or early forties steps out. She is a little overweight and wearing a green jumper. Her hair is dark and curly, and she has a wide face. She's quite pleasant looking. She then walks up some steps to a veranda where she halts and turns around.

Her friend in the car waves to her and blows her a kiss. She waves back.

The car pulls out and heads in our direction. As it passes us I see that the driver is early thirties, blonde and rather attractive. I put two and two together and get five. I'm that kind of person.

"I think I've just seen two lesbians kissing, darling," I say to the missus.

"Really?" she responds quizzically. "You sure they weren't just good friends? Or close relatives?"

"I suppose it's possible, but you never know, I mean maybe we're witnessing the beginning of a drama..."

"Go on," she interjects in that kind of resigned I-know-I'm-going-to-regret-indulging-him tone of voice.

"Well suppose that the woman who has just got out of the car is a lesbian... and she's just, let us say, found her true calling as it were with the blonde lady... they've just shared a couple of hours of something that means a lot to both of them... and the dark haired lady realizes she's been living a lie all these years... she's suppressed her true instincts and desires in order to conform to society, to not shock or dismay her straight laced parents... married a man who is every other woman's ideal husband: hard working, handsome, decent, law abiding... well off... well he would be to own a house like that in a place like this... but all the years she's harboured these... forbidden desires... and finally... finally... she's surrendered to them... this afternoon... and realized that her whole life so far has been a lie... a complete fucking lie... and now she walks half elated, half fearful up the steps because before she embraces the beauty of her new life she must endure one last ugliness of her old one..."

"You're not going to rabbit on too long with this," my missus says. "I fancy a cup of tea."

"No... but anyway, suppose she walks through the door and he's there... been waiting for her... knows and suspects that something isn't quite right... has felt that for a while now... he asks where she's been... why she's been so long... and it blows up into a fight... and that she never thought it would be that bad... that out of control... and then she admits that's she found someone else... a woman... and he's hurt and angry... that 'she's wasted his life'... and that she had never thought of that... and she feels guilty... and so she gathers up a few things... walks out... rings her friend... tells her it's turned nasty... and can she stay with her a few days before she gets her own place? And she does but the blonde lady after a few days sees that despite that they have one thing in common they have nothing else... it was good whilst it was fleeting... snatched illicit encounters... and that was all it was for her... excitement... the blonde lady that is... and so the dark lady leaves... she's lost her nice home... and the future is scary... lonely... desolate... she's in a one bedroom flat... and turns to religion... feels that god is punishing her for her 'sins'... starts to attend church... meets a female vicar... middle aged... confesses to her... and then the female vicar confesses to her... and now wiser... more discrete... and they are happy... she is happy... until her husband turns up one day..."

"Look let's get out of the car and go and have a tea in the café... you can carry on with this as we're walking... I'm listening... honestly."

"Okay. So the husband bitter and twisted and out for revenge causes so much trouble that the female vicar gets chucked out... it's not right... we all know that... but that's not the way the world works... and they separate... once more she is alone... more alone than she's ever been... and the female vicar returns to Scotland... and then she learns the tragic news that she has died... killed herself..."

We push open the door of the café and walk up to the counter. I order a pot of tea for two. We then sit at the table next to the window. A couple of minutes later the young and pretty waitress plonks the pot of tea down on our table.

"Are you carrying on with the story then?"

"Oh, yes. No," I stutter.

"Make up your mind, I was kind of getting into it."

"I think it ends here."


"Look out the window."

"I don't see anything... well a woman walking her dog with her husband."

"Yeah, that's it... exactly."


"Well, she's the woman who got out of the car a little while back... the dark lady... the one I made up the story about... and they look really happy... content..."

"Well... talk about putting two and two together and getting five... that's just you all over."

"I guess so, I guess so," I wearily concede.

We both chuckle and I pour some tea into the missus's cup...

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