Hard Life: At My Lowest

by Tonio Little

Dedication

I dedicate this short novel to my family and loved ones that showed me support at my highest until the point where I reached my lowest. Thanks for being here for me through all my flaws...

Hard Life: Intro

This short story is based on true events that happened to me throughout my life leading up to my current separation from my wife. This is intended to express all my closed in emotions that I couldn't tell anyone about out loud. I have found a way to now...This is my story.

My Life: September 3, 93'

I was brought into this world around 11pm September 3rd of 93'. My mother and father weren't together that I know of. Couldn't have been when my sister was born the same day right in the next room. Shit sounds crazy huh? Same thing I said. I don't really remember my toddler days. Only thing I remember is from around the time my grandma died. Shit scarred me. I really didn't know much about death then. I understood once I seen her body laying there and I realized she wasn't leaving with us. I cried my eyes out. I still think about her until this day. I eventually got over it but, I never talked to anyone about it. As a child, the only thing they could tell me was that it was natural, and she was in a better place.

I was basically raised by my mom. My dad was around in and out. It really started to be distant when my grandparents moved to Valdosta when I was in pre-k. He still did things for me, but he wasn't there physically, and I needed that as a young boy. A man shapes the household for his children to become men and I didn't have nobody to show me that. I had a stepdad, but it wasn't the same. I looked for love in other places as I grew older. The streets showed me the love that I was missing. It shouldn't have been that way but that's how it is for us as black men. I began getting in trouble in middle school. I started smoking weed in 6th grade. I was getting in trouble at home. Police even got involved. I wasn't a bad child just a lost one.

7th grade I switched schools. Both middle schools were in the hood, so it wasn't a big difference. I adapted quick. I hung with a few new people and they still my homies right now. 8th grade I hung with the same crew. I got introduced to selling drugs for extra money. Moms never really had much. She wasn't working. My stepdad was on and off working then. Mostly everything went on bills. I had to make my own. I got used to the lifestyle I was living as a youngin. I wanted to take it a step further.

Class of 2012. We were the last ninth graders to come to the high school. We got even worse. More drugs became involved. I began getting in fights and more involvement with the police. I caught my first charge at 16. My mom was gone when the police came so she didn't really know what was going on until later. I was charged with criminal trespassing. It could have been worse. The house we were chilling in was abandoned but it burned downed after we ran out running from a car that pulled up. I could have been a felon at 16. I was put on probation after I bonded out. It only got worse. I had a cool probation officer though. I never passed one drug test. He never violated me though. My high school years we pretty much the same. I grew more violent. Started smoking more. Started carrying guns. I even started b&e. It was dangerous fast cash. I loved it. It got addictive. Like a job. I had to get up and find work. This was my senior year. I was barely in school. I was missing school to be in the hood making money. I loved money. I used to think it made everything revolve. I learned that it didn't when I was locked behind bars not knowing if I was coming home or not. I was charged with 12 felonies and 8 misdemeanors. I had a bond for $80,000. My folks didn't have that type of money so, I had to sit for a while. I was going through shit in there too. Lost one of my homies and all...He was killed while I was locked up. I had to see it on the news. Shit fucked me up. It was the first week of January 2013 when I was arrested on these charges. I sat in the Berrien county jail until May 2014. That's when I bonded out. I felt like I had learned my lesson, but I felt like I had missed too much and had to make up for it. I went out the first night I got out. It was first Friday in Sylvester. I had some money put up nobody knew about. So, I got fresh. Everybody was saying stay home, you just got out, but I wasn't hearing it. I should have listened. The same night I almost witnessed a murder right next to me and it didn't even bother me. I guess because I had seen it before it really didn't bother me. I knew something was wrong then, but I couldn't change. I felt trapped. Like I had to prove something to myself. I started back hanging out. A year later I was arrested for open container and put on probation again. This time I got one that wasn't so nice. I violated and did 47 days. I knew I had to get it together this time.

"Her": Love at First Sight

I got out of jail in April of 2014. I was staying with my mom and stepdad then. I had a girl then somewhat. She was there while I was locked up. We slowly faded though. I got into an argument with my little brother one day and my mom kicked me out. So, I went and stayed with my sister. We found out that waffle house was having open interviews. At first, I was like nah, but I still went. I'm glad I did because that's where I met her. She was beautiful back then too. That tan pants she had on hugging them hips. Them hills she had on had her stepping like a stallion. That long brown hair hanging down her back. It gave me butterflies. I never felt this feeling in my life about any female. I didn't even know her. I had seen her around high school, but this was years later. The first night I came and chilled with her, I stayed the night. It was nothing sexual. It wasn't even on purpose. It was just late, and I stayed. I just laid there next to her watching her sleep, thinking to myself, she could be the one. I also couldn't sleep from being scared. Her mom caught me the next morning, but she didn't trip. She welcomed me like I was her own son. I never had that. Any other mother would have snapped. She didn't though. She basically moved me in. They all wanted us to be together. We started off just talking as friends. We both had somebody we were talking to but we eventually both ended it because feelings became involved. This was something I wasn't used to, and it hurt her cause I hid it from her. I hated hurting her like that, so I let the other girl go. It was crazy because I usually wouldn't care. But this time my feelings really were involved. That first day she cried after she found out about the other girl, I felt terrible. Like something in my heart told me she was too good for this. I felt like I did deserve her. Her family took me in as one of their own. I grew to love her more and more. We also had our downs too in the beginning. She got pregnant the same year. She stopped working due to being high risk. I didn't care. If our child was safe. I never had nobody that cared about me like she did. Throughout my life I was never really showed any kind of emotional support or anything like that that would make me feel like she did, and I didn't want to lose it. I eventually fucked up and it led to both of us talking other people and I almost lost her. This was a couple months after our son was born. I was hardly there. I was running the streets still after work. I wasn't used to being a father. It was all new to me. We separated for a little while and it got through to me. I couldn't keep hurting her. We got through though after all the arguing. I knew I couldn't take that chance again and risk losing her. I asked her to marry me. I asked her mom first. I really didn't ask her. I just showed her the ring and told her she didn't have to answer then. We finally got married the next year. Although I have done a lot of wrong in my life, I believe in God. I felt in my heart she was the one that I wanted to spend my life with.

My Pain is Their Pain

I have always heard people says negative energy rubs of on people. This is true. It affects those around you without you noticing it. This was one of my problems. Earlier I told you a few of the things that molded me to be the way I am. That's only a few things. I have been through so much in my life, I felt as if my existence wasn't even necessary. The worst feeling for a young child without both parents in the household is, not having that love and emotional support that he needed. I was that child sadly. I felt like a lost soul with no guidance. I guess that's where all the negativity and anger came from. It's to hide the pain that I was dealing with from my entire life. That same pain only hurt the ones that were close to me.

Ups and Downs

Marriage isn't always easy. I never pictured myself marrying nobody. I have been hurt so many times in my life, I always felt like I would never be in a good relationship. This was different. Sure, we had our ups and downs, but the love was always there. I guess I was still holding on to that old pain and it made her feel like I did trust her. The whole while I trusted her with my whole life. I quit my job the day after we got married. It was too much at one time. I tried to act like I was ok, but I really wasn't. I grew angry. We were still staying with her mom then. I felt so low inside. Like I was at my lowest. She still loved me. I knew I could talk to her about how I felt because she wouldn't approve of me doing it. I'm not going to say what it was but just know it would have taken me away from them for a while if it went wrong. So, I tried to stay on the right track and get a job. I couldn't find one. She held us down until I found one. Any other female would have been left. She didn't. We still had our moments. It was mostly me. I still had issues with talking to her when something was wrong. I have never been the type to just express myself to anyone. I'm a very closed in person when I feel down. I feel like the world is against me. I hate my life before her had me like this. I wish I could erase all that pain and anger from my past and live happily with myself. That way I can love her how she's supposed to be loved.

Coming to An End

The past few months have been hard on me. I still have anger built up inside. On top of that I'm not at the point where I know I'm supposed to be. I always dreamed of us owning a business. She started it off. I helped sell some of the stuff but, I wasn't there to support her 100 percent. I was out of work for about a month. She held it down while I wasn't working as always. All she wanted was all my support and love and I fucked up by not giving it to her. We had a bad argument a couple months ago about her friend's wedding. I admit I was being selfish, and I ruined her day. I felt so bad afterwards. It immediately came back on me. I was so angry, I hurt my hand and opposite rib that wasn't injured. She wanted to leave then but, she didn't. I promised her I would change, and I still didn't. She asked me to help more with the kids. I did every now and then, but I usually was tired from work. That's no excuse. She did it, I could have too. She was tired of it...

She's Gone: The Separation

Every marriage eventually gets to the point where one or both partners feel like they should take some time apart. It can be for many reasons. No marriage is perfect. She decided she could deal with it anymore. So, she left. This is currently happening right now. It was October 5th. Around 6am, she left and hasn't came back. It's a feeling that I wouldn't wish on any of my enemies. It's like somebody cutting your heart out and expecting you to continue living life. It's impossible. We have 3 kids together. I love them so much. It hurts me they're not there with me anymore. I try to hide and act like I'm happy but I'm not. I'm hurting more than I have ever hurt before. Crazy thing about it is she knows it, but she can't come back or won't come back until we work on ourselves, if then. She may decide she wants to move on. She says she doesn't think she will, but you never know. I took her through so much. It's at that point where she doesn't even believe I will change. I don't want her to move on, but I feel like if I give her space she will eventually. People look at it like it's just ok to just give up on marriage like a regular relationship. It's not though. I believe enough that marriage is worth the fight especially in our situation. We have too much and much more to accomplish to just give up. I don't want anybody else. She's all I know. I don't know what she'll decide but I'm going to show her why she shouldn't leave. It's going to be hard this time. I really feel like I'm just baby daddy now. Shit really got me fucked up. I ain't gone cap, it hurt. Hopefully everything works out. Only thing I can do is pray bout it. Hopefully everything works out for the best. I know I can change for her and I will. I just pray she can believe in me enough to trust that if she comes back nothing will be the same. She'll feel that love from me like when we first met. She won't have to tell all her friends that she's happy. It's going to show. That's a promise.

The Present: 2 Weeks Later

It's been about three weeks since she left but it feels like a lifetime. My whole world is falling apart, while I'm trying to hold it together. No one understands how I feel right now. Only thing they're saying is I'm going to be ok. Really, I'm not. They can't tell me because they don't understand the hurt and pain I feel right now. After the first week I attempted twice to take my own life. Something wouldn't let do it. I broke down and cried so hard. I prayed so hard about it and asked for forgiveness. I understand now. I have begun to work on myself, to become a better me and a better husband if provided the opportunity. I will never go back to that man I was before. I'm going to prove it to everybody. It still gets to me that she hasn't broke and came back yet but I understand she won't be happy until I give her time to work on herself also. It's just hard. I feel so lost and empty without them here. It's like I'm getting that feeling where I feel I shouldn't exist again. I'm trying my hardest to stop thinking about it and just take this time, but I eventually think about and get emotional. I just want them back.... This is my story...The story of my life and what lead to me in this situation.

An Ending Message

No matter how hard a marriage is, fight for it no matter what. God will see you through to find if it's meant to be. Don't just give up on each other. Real true love is hard to find in this generation. Cherish every moment of it and make sure you tell your loved ones you love them. Make them feel loved. Let go of the past and live for your future together. I pray this reaches anybody who's going through anything right. The world is only getting worse. Life's too short. Make things right with yourself and your loved ones before it's too late...

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