by Peter Coomber


The scary bit is the angle of tree branches...

During the course of the last eighteen months, since I took ownership of a second-hand Playstation 3 console, I have travelled over fourteen hundred miles: on foot, by swimming, on horse, by ship and flying (in a plane, on the back of a dragon and by my own feathered wings). And I have seen many weird and wonderful lands, containing dark and fantastic buildings, populated by multitudes of cute and strange beings.

And in those weird and wonderful lands I have collected life force and magic globes from hidden chests, upgraded my weapons with ever fantastic powers, and have transacted with those cute and strange beings: selling goods to them, stealing from them - and slaughtering them.

I have killed three hundred and ninety-eight human beings of a non-Western appearance, sixteen wizards, twelve kings and queens, twelve hundred and thirty-one aliens from the planet Splurg, fifty-five horses (or things that looked like horses), countless sheep and goats, forty-one US Marines (who had been infected by a deadly virus), two chickens (really big, scary chickens) and a thing with eight legs and enormous jaws. And a pixie.

The pixie was an accident (he was a good pixie); I caught him, accidentally, on the back-swing of my Whip of Tregarsh (R2 button and the X button, right joystick swivelled to the left).

In slaughtering these beings, I have used swords, knives, my bare hands, magic staffs, and a vast array of weapons that might be found on any army base in any civilised country, including nuclear missiles for those really big enemies (i.e. the chickens).

It has been a journey.

When I'm not playing on my Playstation 3 console - when I'm in the mundane world, doing shopping and other mundane things - I find myself looking at the handy angles made by tree branches, from which I can dive down onto Mrs Hanson, the road-crossing assistant, and stab her with my steel-sprung knives (hidden in the sleeves of my robe), thus obtaining her STOP CHILDREN (lollipop) staff which will help increase my magic powers.

Or get me sent to prison.

I'm beginning to worry about myself, so I'm thinking about giving up the PS3 and buying a Monopoly board instead ...and becoming a capitalist.

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