God Commands Us to Murder, Rape and Steal

by Hugh Mungus

All the words on the wall

Look the same in the mirror

Every riddle and every clue

You've got Allah in the east

You've got Jesus in the west

Christ, what's a man to do?

They'll find a cure for anything

Just kill the pain, or numb my brain

We see a man speakin' the word of God

Proven to be a fraud

His own church applauds

Stop lookin' out, start lookin' in

Be your own best friend

- Van Halen

Should you profess to be Jewish, Anglican, Orthodox or Reformed Christian, you probably know the Sixth Commandment states "Thou shall not murder." Even so, the God of the Old Testament not only condones killing, but demands it. Although this assertion sounds more ridiculous than the possibility of Danny DeVito winning the NBA Slam Dunk Contest, the following quotes can be found in the prior dogmatic doctrine.

Think You're Bad Enough to Take On Dad? Think Again

Good news, parents! You've got a friend in the Lord!

Anyone who attacks his father or his mother must be put to death.

- Exodus 21:15

Don't Call Mom and Dad @$$#*!%$

Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.

- Exodus 21:16

Every parent's favorite book of the Old Testament? Exodus.

Lance Bass, Runnin' Scared

If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

- Leviticus 20:13

Ah, yes. The origins of homophobia. Vegas odds says whomever coined this one was a closet homosexual.

Kill Nonbelievers

They entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul. All who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, were to be put to death, whether small or great, man or woman.

- 2 Chronicles 15:12-13

So, he's omnipotent, but he's jealous? Opening an ice hockey store in the Sahara Desert makes more sense.

The Ultimate Wedding Present: Killing the Bride

If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you.

- Deuteronomy 22:20-21

Wouldn't these dudes with the rocks face the death penalty, nowadays?

Slaughter an Entire Town For Worshipping Another God

If you hear it is said about one of the towns the Lord your God is giving you to live in that wicked men have arisen among you and have led the people of their town astray, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" [gods you have not known], then you must inquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly. And if it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done among you, you must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town. Destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock.

- Deuteronomy 13:12-15

More dead than The Chevy Chase Show, baby!

Slain For Working on the Sabbath

Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. Anyone who desecrates it must be put to death; whoever does any work on that day must be cut off from his people. For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day is a Sabbath of rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on the Sabbath, must be put to death.

- Exodus 32:14-15

Imagine some poor Jewish guy wakin' up late after a night of binge drinking. He's not certain what day it is. He races to work, figurin' he's gonna get fired.

Upon arriving, he's surprised to discover the office deserted. Deducing everybody must be at lunch, he's certain he can pull out of this kamikaze nosedive, if he shows initiative.

Three hundred cold calls and 85 TPS reports later, the realization sucker punches him like the fist of a 400 pound, dirty boxer. It's Saturday!

Rape and Infanticide, Anyone?

Whoever is captured [...] will fall by the sword. Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives ravished. See, I will stir up against them the Medes (an ancient culture of Iranian peoples), who do not care for silver and have no delight in gold. Their bows will strike down the young men; they will have no mercy on infants nor will they look with compassion on children.

- Isaiah 13:15-18

The Child Welfare League of "America" may have a little something to say about this one.

Mass Murder: It's Not Just For Governments, Anymore

This is what the Lord Almighty says: "[...] Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys."

- Samuel 15:2-3

Nobody wants to work as a toilet bowl cleaner in a laxative testing facility, but on this particular day, I'd have taken that gig over bein' an Amalekite.

Death to Makin' a Living the Hard Way

If a priest's daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father; she must be burned in the fire.

- Leviticus 21:9

We may not know who authored the Old Testament, but Leviticus was written by a dude.

Fun-Lovin' Folks Forced to Kill

A curse on him who is lax in doing the Lord's work! A curse on him who keeps his sword from bloodshed!

- Jeremiah 48:10

You collect swords; you've got 10,000 pieces in your assemblage; you're also a devout Jew who takes the Old Testament literally. You can do the math here.

Jews Kick Butt!

When the trumpets sounded, the people shouted, and at the sound of the trumpet, when the people gave a loud shout, the wall collapsed; so every man charged straight in, and they took the city. They [Israelites; a.k.a. Jews] devoted the city to the Lord and destroyed with the sword every living thing in it, men and women, young and old, cattle sheep and donkeys.

- Joshua 6:20-21

Donkeys were apparently thirsty for human blood at one point, and a serious threat to us all.

Babylon Sucks!

"Attack the land of Merathaim (Babylon) and those who live in Pekod. Pursue, kill and completely destroy them," declares the Lord.

- Jeremiah 50:21

Anybody who lives in a town called Pekod - and refers to him, or herself, as a Pekodite - is begging for a substantial ass kicking.

We're Tired of Killing. When Do We Get to Rape?

When you march up to attack a city, make its people an offer of peace. If they accept and open their gates, all the people in it shall be subject to forced labor and shall work for you. If they refuse to make peace and they engage you in battle, lay siege to that city. When the Lord your God delivers it into your hand, put to the sword all the men in it.

As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves. And you may use the plunder the Lord your God gives you from your enemies. This is how you are to treat all the cities that are at a distance from you and do not belong to the nations nearby.

- Deuteronomy 20:10-15

Can't we just beat up some more donkeys?

What Rape Victim Wouldn't Want to Marry Her Attacker?

[...] If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty sheckels [sic] of silver. He must marry the girl [and] can never divorce her as long as he lives.

- Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Last I knew, a shekel was more worthless than a soft drink at the late Dean Martin's house. Dad's really receiving the shaft on this one.

Shit, Am I Glad This Isn't a Law

If a man is found sleeping with another man's wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die.

- Deuteronomy 22:22

Three-quarters of humanity would be dead, if this decree were ever enforced.

The Big Three: Polygamy, Rape and Baby Killing

This is what the Lord says: "Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity upon you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel."

Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the Lord."

Nathan replied, "The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the Lord show utter contempt, the son born to you will die."

- 2 Samuel 12:11-14

Little did God know, Dave never wanted the kid, anyway, and the condom broke.

Do people read their Bibles? If so, how do they justify sendin' their kids to Sunday school or synagogues to learn that God demands they kill, rape and steal? The concept is incongruous.

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