29 Reasons Why Jeffrey Ross Linden Is a Loser (An Actual Person I Know)

by Adam Kamran Dharani

1. Worked exclusively at one fast food restaurant for the entirety of his life and has never attained a rank higher than the starting position at said restaurant

2. Virgin

3. Never intentionally ejaculated

4. Autistic

5. Never had a girlfriend

6. Never been on a date

7. Never went to dinner, a movie or a dance with a person of the gender he is attracted to, not including relatives, family friends, or friends in elementary school

8. No friends

9. No college degree, occupational skills award or college certificate

10. Unoriginal name (first and middle name chosen after father and grandfather, respectively)

11. Doesn't talk to girls outside of work

12. Kind of looks like a pedophile

13. I am twenty years old and have had two more jobs and one more internship than him, and I have two occupational skills awards

14. Said he most likely wouldn't work at the same fast food restaurant after quitting, but months later, resumed working at said restaurant

15. Didn't know what happened to his dad's first wife (his biological mother) at twenty-seven years of age

16. Never heard of One Direction until asked if he had heard of them

17. Turned down movie role that would pay $100,000, because character's death was "too violent"

18. Saved up enough money to not have to work for several months, but not enough to go to college full-time instead of having to work forty hours a week

19. Started college twelve years ago and still doesn't have a degree

20. Multiple people I know with Down's Syndrome have had more jobs than him

21. My friend who failed at least six classes and dropped at least six has more college hours than him

22. No life

23. Has a weird voice

24. A guy I know with Down's Syndrome makes more than him

25. Looks much better in driver's license photo taken twelve years ago

26. Makes less than $25,000 a year, even when being generous with the amount of money he makes per hour and the number of hours he works per week

27. Despite everything, he thinks he's a normal person

28. Besides the fast food restaurant at which he works, he's only ever applied to one other place

29. 29 years old and all of this applies to him

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