Hello, how's everyone doing? Thank you. It's good to finally be here on stage. I love this town. In fact I moved to Chile a few years ago to escape this shit storm sweeping the country and this town is the only reason I have found to come back to the US.
Let me start by saying I'm 47. I'm from Southern Ohio where I grew up on a small sheep farm and yes I play the banjo. Thank you for not laughing at that too much because that was never meant to be funny... Ever. I've been working on being a little less defensive about that but it's tough... Kids can be very cruel.
Any fans of Ohio here BTW? Southern Ohio or fucking Cleveland? For those of you who don't know it, the level of pretentiousness rises the farther north you go in Ohio. Like in Marietta where I'm from we make fun of WV like normal people everywhere. Anyways people from Columbus make fun of people from the SE of the state and people from Cleveland make fun of everyone else. It's like the natural pecking order. Cleveland has an excuse though because it's just all Jews mostly. Oh calm down they got their slice of the American pie now anyways. I think they can handle a little good natured teasing.
At this point I'd like to inject a disclaimer though, this is actually my first time trying stand up so let's all keep our expectations low. Now that I think of it this is the same disclaimer I used when I lost my virginity... I know I shouldn't have said it then either huh?
No but I absolutely love Chicago... All the opportunity... The excitement... Especially all the beautiful people. I mean there are so many beautiful girls here that I started my own movement. It's called the #hertoo movement.
I told my buddy that bit and he said, "Man, that's not funny." But in his defense he is a vegetarian who grew up in a house full of mangy cats so obviously his sense of humor has been effected. I'm sorry I hate cats. I hate cats like every other animal in the world hates cats. Cats are the only animal that can scratch you and accidentally kill you. That's probably the cats sense of humor I just don't recognize it. If you take all the plastic bags floating in the ocean, that death count would pale in comparison to cats.
Like I said I moved to Chile because it is getting totally bonkers in this country. You all know what I mean too. It's getting so that the stage is the only safe place to sexually harass someone anymore. This is how crazy its getting, in Southern Ohio we used to pronounce that word "her-ass" but apparently that makes people uncomfortable too.
I had this job last summer in Alaska and I was like 20 years older than everyone else. I was there working saving money for my house in Chile and there was this young Mormon girl there who had obviously just left the reservation because she had some kind of stunted social skills you know. It was like she had the sense of humor of a vegetarian cat lover.
Well one day I see this girl and she's wearing a blue wrap around her head with a ponytail. She was beautiful and she reminded me of that famous painting "Girl with a Pearl Earring" which would have been a better compliment than what I ended up saying. Because as I approached her I was struggling for the word I was looking for and I was thinking of Halloween costumes and I said, "Wow, you got this whole.... Hot genie look going". As soon as I said that I thought oh fuck! She is going to go straight to HR #metoo I'm fired.
Shits getting too uncomfortable here man. That's something surprising about Chile. How comfortable everyone is there. Kids will be playing in the neighborhood down there and they never hesitate to talk to you. They always call you Aunt or Uncle. Anyways that Mormon girl in Alaska apparently got her magic wedgie pulled out and I kept my job. Times are changing man.
I mean for instance when I was a kid in grade school we made sport of grabbing girls butts in the hallway. The hotter the Goose you know, the cooler the gander I guess? Well I admit I feel about like Joe Biden now but this was the 80s, we had bigger problems then. Reagan was selling arms to the Ayatollah for Christ's sake.
Here's something else I have been thinking about. In many countries, boys and girls both spend the first few decades of life admiring boobies. The bigger the better right. Girls want them because boys want them and boys want them because, well we're boys. Don't try to understand us we're very complex.
This admiration has led to several million dollar industries like the fashion industry, advertising industry and Hollywood taking advantage of this perfectly natural inclination. It's no secret that a lot of woman's consider their big boobs an asset. With the right cup size it's possible a promotion could be in your future, you never know, and rightly so, what hard working woman would deny herself that?
For years we have all been conditioned to admire these things you know, and then all of a sudden a woman has a baby and her beautiful boobies become an object of utility... In her mind. And this might come as a shock to you but we cant just turn this shit off.
For decades men are encouraged by every fact of society to admire those things and then overnight a woman has a baby and we all become pervy!? Talk about dissonance...
And just like, for instance we can overlook the occasional repulsive pubic hair growing out of your nipple we can certainly overlook that adorable suckling you now have. If this is indeed a free country and you are free to whip em out then I'm going to look at your tits God damn it. Or is this another concept that has been lost in the miasma of modernity?
I mean I understand that historically woman have always taken a backseat and we do need to treat our wonderful female friends equally but they always say shit runs down hill and at the bottom of that hill is some sheep fucker from Appalachia playing a banjo!
So if you Mothers want us to stop admiring your boobies when you flop them out maybe you should blame all those industries that exploit our genetic predisposition toward them? Or better yet when you see you daughter going out dancing on a Saturday night maybe mention that in the future she might want to nourish her child in public and using them as a social lubricant isn't very forward thinking?
Anyways, for years in grade school I was told I should be a comedian when I grow up. But before leaving grade school I was already into drugs. Nothing too serious... Smoking pot and drinking... Eating 2 or 3 boxes of Dramamine for the buzz, you know, the usual stuff. So this sort of derailed everything for a few decades but now that I have finally grown up I figured I would take a shot at this stand up thing.
Obviously because my early interest in humor and my dedication to the 5 string I was a huge fan of Steve Martin. I felt like I knew this wild and crazy guy. And because of our bucolic connection, I always wondered if he enjoyed the company of sheep as well. Although it's been many many years since I've enjoyed the soothing balm of lanolin against my skin I still suspect Steve does. What can I say? It takes one to know one.
Another comedian I instantly felt a strong connection to was John Belushi. And like my suspicions that Steve Martin enjoyed the company of the Ovine persuasion, like me, I suspected John was using humor as a self defense mechanism also. I felt immediately identified John Belushi as my spirit animal.
But anyhow John passed away and as I grew up I became pretty anti social... Getting drunk and fighting, alienating everyone to the point there was fewer and fewer people to entertain. I kind of put the idea of stand up out of my mind. Then one day I heard a story about another comedian I admired getting in trouble for beating his meat in front of some not so surprisingly forward thinking woman and I would like to thank Louis CK because I've been rubbing 'em out in front of women for years too and when I heard that story I thought to myself, maybe I am a fucking comedian.