That Time I Brought My Fists to a Knife Fight

by Adventure Wynn


Another day, another fist fight

It's hard to believe I was 19. I had just been dropped off at a house my friend had been staying at in Marietta, Ohio next to the Washington St bridge. I had just returned from a serious drinking binge in Parkersburg... again. It was around midnight as I ran up the long stairs leading to the place. My Brother was there and my buddy Dave, who was on leave from the Marines was there visiting his girl friend.

We drank a few more drinks and I decide to walk the few blocks to my girls house on Scammel St. Everyone unanimously said, "Don't go! You are fucking wasted!" but being fucking wasted, I laughed and called them all pussies. So I set out down Front St. Not far along a car pulled over quickly beside me and I readied for a fight. It turned out to be a car load of friends partying.

They said with some noticeable concern that they had stirred a hornets nest up throwing pool balls at it just down the road and I was about to stumble into it. I said, "Those Bees don't scare me. They don't know who they're fucking with." As I turned to go, they all cried out, "Don't fucking go there man, You'll be sorry!" I didn't take it very seriously.

So I made it to my girls house and went in. She was her typically self-absorbed unpleasant self and I quickly decide everyone was right I shouldn't have came. So I split and head back to my buddies place up the road I had just came from.

As soon as I crossed Scammel and was walking threw Smitty's Pizza's parking lot I ran into someone and pushed them aside saying, "Watch the fuck out." It was as much my fault as his because I was stiff legging it and drunk as hell staring at my feet.

As soon as I looked up the guy already had a knife out and sliced my hand open with a big smile saying, "Now what are you gonna do?" Without hesitation I answered, "Fucking kill you!" and I leaped on him and smashed him in the face with my right fist as I took a hold of his hair with my left. At this point I would like to bring to your attention that this technique of grabbing with one hand and punching with the other, while implemented through out history by various cultures is now referred to as the "Hillbilly Hammer" In honor of me.

As I punched him he stabbed me in the left hip. Again, I smashed him with everything I had. He stabbed me in the left arm above the elbow as I slammed my fist into his nose again. He was back peddling as I was hammering him and he stabbed me again right in the ribs this time.

This is the first time worry entered my mind, cause that was a pretty serious target. I immediately change tactics and direction. Taking a hold of his hair with both hands I spun to my right and threw him as Hard as I could to get him off his feet. It worked perfectly and he hit the ground and came up on his knees. I was on him instantly and all he could do was take my combat boot to the chest as he flailed the knife at me leg.

But it landed on its target. It sunk into the back of my knee between the artery and the tendon, entering the joint and chipping the bone. Needless to say that was extremely painful and when I withdrew my leg I knew It was over. At this exact moment the guy had the same impulse. He sprang up and ran as hard as he could down the street screaming about a crazy mother fucker was trying to kill him. I think he was right.

As I stood there in disbelief I glanced over and saw a guy I went to high school with coming back from a pizza delivery standing there speechless. I got a big smile on my face and walked up to him and said, "Rob! Hows it going? Man, I ain't seen you in years." as I shook his hand. He did not respond. We stood there for a brief second looking at each other as I pulled my unbuttoned flannel open to exposed this blood pouring out as I looked at Rob and said, "Well man, I gotta go." He Just smiled a cooked smile in disbelief and said, "uh... Yeah."

So I crossed back over to my girls house and she was not happy to see me return. In fact she went hysterical when she saw all the blood I was losing. I told her to "Calm the fuck down!" but she was pointlessly freaking out and starting to make me mad so I left.

She followed cackling behind me as I went to the neighbors house. I knew this old man was a Viet Nam vet and I assumed he could at least reassure her I wasn't going to die. When he answered the door he was pretty concerned and coupled with the hysteria of my girl it was very stressful.

He immediately said he would call the ambulance and said, "I'm alright, I Just need her to get the fuck out of hére." Steve, the old guy, asked, "Are you sure?" I said, "Yeah" and he relaxed and said OK. Meanwhile it did nothing to calm that woman down. So I said I'm sorry for bothering you and left everyone behind and headed back to my buddies place by the bridge.

I got a similar response from them but rejected any assistance other than a paper towel to mop up some blood. They called my Mother of all people. Who showed up and becoming very concerned took me to the car and headed toward the hospital. I said, "If you turn toward the hospital I'm jumping out at the first light." so we went to her house.

When I walked in Mom was already waking my Dad up and saying, "Mark's been stabbed and he wont go to the hospital!" Dads response was classic Norman, He answered, "Let him bleed to death." and rolled over and went back to sleep.

So now Mom called my older Brother who comes over quickly and says, "Let me see your side." I open my flannel which I had been holding on my side and this huge blood clot falls out on the floor. He says, "You got to go to the hospital dude." and I say, "yeah, I think you're right." Mom later felt it necessary to tell me, "Your Father had no idea it was that bad." I said, "It wasn't"

But I guess it was a good thing I went to the Hospital cause the doctor said the knee wound was a crippler if I didn't come in. I was told I would have to have arthroscopic surgery in the morning and was admitted.

That night the nurse came in and we started flirting with each other. She asked me to quit saying "FUCK" so much... A couple times. And I invited her back to my room when her shift ended. (wink, wink) Well she came back!! I was about to fulfill a long awaited fantasy when my Mother came back too!! So as Mom stood by the door, Nurse Goodbody was secretly stroking my bare feet at the foot of the bed. And Mom would not leave so my fantasy fell short and I was ultimately left alone with my pup tent. Think of how much better this story could've ended.

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