Travels in Puerto Montt, Chile

by Mark Wynn

The adventure takes a wonderful turn! Just when you think its over. I was walking thru this little craft alley taking pictures of funky siding and a guy moves so i don't foto him. He explained the wood was (acerce?) Which i do recall the native wood they always sell Madera nativo the good stuff. I see hes smoking so of course i say lets have a puff. He says... something and hands me this pipe just when he says.........what do you think he said? He says, "tranqiuilo!tranquilo!tranquilo!" As the carabineros roll up quickly on their off road Hondas. Wait... i might puke at this point. This literally happened, i mean ended like 2 minutes ago. I had the pipe in my hand and slipped it into my pocket. Hiding behind my identity and my backpack i became invisible.

Officer Jefe gets the smokers ID and scans it. As his old lady approaches the cop gets her ID too and scans it. Then..... he turns his angry bloodshot gaze up and down me and the backpack. He immediately starts shouting Chilean and i say ' lo siento, No Entiendo'... my catch phrase.

Just then a girl walks up at the same moment kind of pleading with me, "Do you speak English? I can help!" She looked pleased and terrified. Anyway I say......what do you think I said? 'Lo siento no Entiendo' yes I did! as she gets this really puzzled expression and i say, 'oh , fuck yeah i speak English?!' So she says 'do you want me to translate!!' I said, 'Naw I'm cool' then she is beside herself...

So anyway... After I say, "Naw, I'm cool." She looks very distressed, and says "O...Kay?" ..like you're dead assjole. You're welcome. I think, "Damn you are cool Mark Wynn!" Then i think, "You ain't that fucking cool!" Keep it together!!

Where was I... the Carabinero still starring bloody daggers says "BACKPACK! BACKPACK! OPEN! OPEN!" I decide to stick with the English and say, "Absolutely. I got nothing to hide." I felt like i was channeling Samuel L Jackson from the diner scene in Pulp Fiction. A little elevated i admit. Cause i knew I was lying ya see?

So I open and start explaining nothing to see here. I started telling him my adventure story and he dismounts to look close. As i stand up he rifles in every pocket on my person while saying.... what do you think he said? "COCAINE! COCAINE! COCAINE!" I say very animatedly, "Fuck No, fuck no, no fuck no!" As he says, "MARIJUANA! MARIJUANA! Ahh Si, Marijuana. " as hes reaching in THE pocket! I think, YOU'RE FUCKIN LOSING IT!!. But I say,"No.....no" He gives me the I-know-you're-lying-look, where they angle their head, and raise a brow, like right before you get knocked in the head.

So he shouts, "Identidad!" i happily hand over my American passcard and he looks thru it. Says, "wallet" he opens it and immediately retrieves my old Chilean ID...I think, "Ah you're dead you asshole LOSER! No! Play it cool.You're cool"... he looks up enraged and grits 'ESTA ES SU IDENTIDAD!' Like I got you mother fucker.

I chuckle and shake my head in disbelief a little, realizing the position i just put myself in by forgetting my expired ID. I explain I forgot because the date... it so old. He scans it and of course finds nothing. He hands it back and point at the bus station like its your only chance and I try not to run... but say Gracias Señor but the SMOKER says something like hold on i want to bum money or something cause he doesnt want to see his pipe run away. As Im turning I look at the cop like that mother fuckers high! And break into a gallop across the road. True story. Oh the cop left the pipe. The end?! No more adventure please.

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