Travels in Puerto Montt, Chile

by Mark Wynn

The adventure takes a wonderful turn! Just when you think its over. I was walking thru this little craft alley taking pictures of funky siding and a guy moves so i don't foto him. He explained the wood was (acerce?) Which i do recall the native wood they always sell Madera nativo the good stuff. I see hes smoking so of course i say lets have a puff. He says... something and hands me this pipe just when he says.........what do you think he said? He says, "tranqiuilo!tranquilo!tranquilo!" As the carabineros roll up quickly on their off road Hondas. Wait... i might puke at this point. This literally happened, i mean ended like 2 minutes ago. I had the pipe in my hand and slipped it into my pocket. Hiding behind my identity and my backpack i became invisible.

Jefe gets the guys ID and scans it. As his old lady approaches the cop gets her ID too and scans it. Then..... he turns his steely gaze up and down the backpack. He immediately starts talking Chilean and i say ' lo siento, No Entiendo'... my catch phrase. Just then a girl walks up at the same moment kind of pleading with me, "Do you speak English? I can help!" She looked terrified. Anyway I say......what do you think I said? 'Lo siento no Entiendo' yes I did! as she gets this really puzzled expression and i say, 'oh , fuck yeah i speak English?!' So she says 'do you want me to translate!!' I say... no i didn't say No Entiendo again! I said, 'Naw I'm cool' then she is beside herself...

So anyway... After I say, "Naw, I'm cool." She looks very distressed, she says O...Kay?..like you're dead assjole. You're welcome.

I think, Damn you are cool Mark Wynn! Then i think, You ain't that fucking cool! Keep it Together!! Where was I... the Carabinero says "BACKPACK! BACKPACK! OPEN! OPEN!" I stick with the English, I say, "absolutely. I got nothing to hide." I felt like i was channeling Samuel L Jackson from the diner scene in Pulp Fiction. A little elevated i admit. Cause i knew that was a lie, ya see? So I open and start explaining nothing to see. I started telling him my adventure story and he dismounts to look close. As i stand up he reach's in every pocket while saying.... what do you think he said? "COCAINE! COCAINE! COCAINE!" I say, "Fuck No, fuck no, no fuck no!" As he says, "MARIJUANA! MARIJUANA! Ahh Si, Marijuana. " as hes reaching in THE pocket! I think, YOU'RE FUCKIN LOSING IT!!. But I say,"No.....no" He gives me the I-know-you're-lying-look, where they angle their head, and raise a brow?

So he says, 'Identidad' i happily hand over my American passcard and he looks thru it. Says, 'wallet' he opens it and immediately retrieves my Chilean ID.. i think, Ah you're dead you asshole LOSER! No! Play it cool. You're cool.. he looks up staring daggers! 'ESTA ES SU IDENTIDAD!' Like I got you mother fucker. I chuckle a little realizing the position i just put myself in by forgetting my expired ID, and it couldn't get worse playing it too cool?! I explain I forgot because the date... it so old. He scans it and of course finds nothin. He handed it back and pointed at the bus station, and I try not to run... but say Gracias Señor but the !dude! says something like hold on i want to bum money or something. I look at the cop like that mother fuckers high! And break into a gallop across the road. True story. Oh the cop left the pipe. The end?! No more adventure please.

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