by I.M


"Leave already" The words whispered, replaying over and over in her mind, like a song stuck on repeat. She tries to block them out, she listens to music on full blast hoping that it'll drown out the noise. But they get louder and louder, she screams, and she cries, even sometimes she wishes she would just die. They took over her mind, told her to do violent things; "Hurt yourself, nobody would care if you were gone." So she would do it, she would hurt herself, and she would continue to do it until her body went numb, whether it was pills or blades. Did anything to not feel, to get the voices to go away, anything to make her emotions just fade away. She would do it in the morning, afternoon, in the middle of the night. It became an addiction for her, and each time she took more pills or she cut deeper, hoping one day she would take too much or cut too deep so it would all just go away. Her demons were her only friends, yet they were her worst enemy. One day she took too many pills, she was puking all over the place she finally thought her life was over, but she was saved and instead of being grateful for being alive, all she did was cry and scream "I WANTED TO DIE!" SHe lived in anger for many months, and even though they watched her closely with the pills, they didn't take the blades, she still had one more release, one last escape. Another chance to disappear, with that she cut deeper and deeper, her body covered in cuts to the point if she was touched that it hurt, but that is what she wanted.. To feel something other than her emotions, she wanted to bleed so she knew she was alive, she wanted to rip her skin open, and leave scars so she knew it was real, and that is exactly what she did. She would take that blade, shred it through her skin, feeling the blood rushing out. A smile of pain forms upon her face, feeling nothing but the blood and the sting of the air hitting that opened wound. She starts feeling dizzy, can't see anything, she falls over.. Clothes covered in blood, nobody is home.. All alone, she sits there bleeding out, hoping she will pass out and not wake up again. She tried to get up, crawling across the hall to the bathroom, where a bubble bath awaits her. Climbing in the tub, feeling the blood rushing, water soon turning red.. She passes out, and when she wakes up she is in the hospital, machines beeping, family and friends surrounding her bed. Everyone smiles when she opens her eyes, everyone but her. All she could do was cry, she didn't want to be there, she wanted to die. She yelled at everyone to get out, she wanted to be alone. But little did she know that she has people watching her through the cameras, 24/7 supervision to make sure she stays alive. She couldn't even go to the bathroom by herself, someone had to be in there with her. 2 weeks until she was back at full strength, all the time supervision, it was the worst experience of her life. She had been in inpatient treatment for about 2 extra weeks, and then when she had returned to school people started talking.. Saying that she did it for attention, that she just wanted someone to pay attention to her.. It only made things worse, she went to the counselors to talk about it and they decided to have her go to an alternative school for people "like her." Her eyes welled with tears, a lump forms in her throat.. She couldn't be around normal people, she was someone "like her." Her life was ruined, but of course that was her fault, and nothing she could ever say or do would change that. She had officially given up on hopes and dreams, she didn't see a future for herself anymore. And even after all of that, the demons still continued to talk, they didn't go away.. No matter how hard she tired or how many times she tried to end her life, she always ends up waking up and having to continue to deal with them.. That is her story, that is what it's like.. What it's like living with demons.

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