5 Reasons to Not Get an Oil Change

by Lewis Charles

Conventional wisdom tells us that our automobiles should have their oil tested and changed every few thousand miles. But I say "not so fast". Throw caution to the wind, and you might be rewarded in ways you didn't expect. Here are five reasons why not getting an oil change might be right for you:

1) Shame Avoidance

If you've ever pulled into an EZ Lube with the intent to have your oil changed, then you've likely experienced the embarrassment of being silently judged by the people working there. "You can't change your own oil?" their eyes say. "Are you even human?"

With so many opportunities to be shamed in your daily life, why voluntary submit to another? Keep on driving, and see what happens.

2) Savings

Oil changes cost money, and you probably don't have any. You can save anywhere between $40-$80 of the nothing in your wallet by just opting out.

3) Fun!

Play a game with your kids (if you don't have any kids, get some) by having them guess when and where your car will break down. Tell them that whoever guesses correctly will get an ice cream cone once grandpa finally dies. When they ask who grandpa is, remind them what happened the last time they asked questions.

4) Reduced Risk of Prosecution

Now, where did you put the blood you drained out of your last victim's body? Oh, no! The oil tank! You thought no one would ever think to look in there. And then you forgot about it. And then you started driving. And then your car started bucking, so you took it in to get looked at and...BAM!

Curse the early on-set dementia that created both your murderous cravings and short-term memory loss all you want, you're still going to jail, homey.

5) Free Exercise

Why spend the money you don't have on car maintenance, when you can get around with what you do have: your feet! They'll take you everywhere you want to go, just 45 minutes later than a car would. If this results in you being fired from the gas station, go ahead and blame "the system", start a doomsday cult, and require all members to fuck you on command. They say there's nothing better than a romp in the sheets to burn off a few calories. And there's no better way to prepare for The Reclamation of the Seven than to build a spaceship with your mind and start canning homemade Beefaroni for the long voyage to Vega Prime.

In conclusion: relax. The world isn't going to stop spinning if you don't get an oil change. That's not going to happen until 2021, according to the Black Book of Lachar, prophet of Seck, long may he reign. So embrace the freedom of being untethered from social norms, and reap the benefits of unconventional choice. You'll be glad you did.

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