How do I start? It has been the most unexpected past that ever happened to me, at the most unexpected time and with the most unexpected person all together. I loved my second cousin and still do. Well someone can definitely say whats wrong in that! But let me tell you its not a sibling's love that we had. At first it was just a simple attraction that we mutually had for each other. It was just an attraction.
But in due course of time some of the things got so messed up in his family - all with the death of his mum (being the 3rd in row of the total deaths in his family within just a span of 1 year) that being mostly of the same age as that of mine and most importantly being such an introvert just like me, he would open up to me...would cry to me...would ask for a comfort that he knew he wouldn't get from his dad. And so, as it seems, we got closer to each other gradually with each and every passing day and endless texting throughout the night.
It was due to this "slowly becoming habit " thing that we would miss each other when we were busy. I also did actually let him in my house a lot of times when my parents were out and we would chat, make fun of each other and tickle each other till we were nearly out of oxygen.
One day when my mum was baking my birthday cake , he popped in surprising both mum and me. He handad me a nicely wrapped square box containing a very fashionable and expensive bracelet and asked me if I would like to stroll outside with him. And my mum being the sweetest of all, easily granted the permission. We strolled outside in the slight cold weather.. and it was then that I received my first kiss. And I have to admit that it was not-so-bad-for-the-first-time kiss. After that day,our bond definitely became much more strong for sure... but we both were terrified of what the future held for us. We wanted to be together, but as well thought about the sufferings we would be throwing at our parents ( because apparently this kind of love is not approved of over here).
In the mean time, more of his agonies piled up tenfolds. His father had married someone twenty years younger than himself that too just six months after his (my second cousin's mum's )death. As if to garnish the serving plate, his now step mum, just two days after the marriage ,was confessing her undying love to him (my cousin) and she also wanted to keep a god-knows-what-kind-of relationship with him. Unbelievable isn't it? Well, its true. This caused him so much pain that he really didn't want to live further. But I was the one who kept on blowing hope and strength into him with an invisible bellow. I would listen to his tantrums like a mother would and console him and easily would cheer him up.
Its not his fault, I know. But after such unexpected incidents in his family, he started to become more distant from me. It seemed that the more we interacted, the farther we drifted. I would try to make conversations with him, but he ignored to even acknowledge my presence. I would cry fat tears every night and remain gloomy the whole day. I would curse the Lord for his misfortune every waking moment. I still loved him and would always remind him that I was, and will always be there for him. But he never did reply. This would always make my heart ache in a way a spear would if pierced into the living heart with a great momentum.
I knew then that the "relatives with benefit"(as he referred to our relationship) thing that we had, had reached its end. Everything happened so fast that I didn't even realize who was the one suffering more. Everything we shared before, haunted me in my dreams, made me cry till dawn. It made me suffer a lot.
Now, when I look back into those memories still freshly weaved in my heart , I don't understand whom to blame- was it me? Or was it him? Or whether the whole situation is to blame. I sometimes feel guilty (never found out why) thinking about how different my life would have been now as I look into his daughter's eyes playing with her mum a game of peek-a-boo, while my son trying to block her eyes as she removes her small little palm from her beautiful face.
Should I be gulity ?