The Insiders

by Blake McCoy


A parody of the Outsiders that follows two nerds.

   When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of my basement, I had two things on my mind: Halo, and why Dairy was making me go outside. Halo was my favorite game, I had just gotten the newest one and was on the last level when my oldest brother, Dairy, made me go enjoy the outdoors. This is something my mom would always make me do before she died. Both my parents were dead. They were both victims of type two diabetes. My father had type two diabetes and my mom got sat on by someone with type two diabetes at a doctor's office with my dad. After mom died, my dad ate himself to death. Dairy always worried that I would end up like my dad because I looked the most like him.

    "Enjoy yourself! The clock is ticking..." shouted my brother Dairy. Dairy also had me go outside because of the annual battle between us and the socks. The socks were a group of no good cup stackers who always wore long white tube socks. We were called the greasies because we would get in the zone playing video games and forget to shower. Our annual battle consisted of a sport thing. I never knew what was going on. Nobody did really, but we usually left disappointed in ourselves. All of us. Anyway, Dairy wanted me to get in shape.

Dairy was my brother and I loved him, just because I had to. He just needed to know his role. He treated me like his son, even though I was NOT his son. Dairy was a lot older than me and already had the dad bod but still should not have treated me like his kid. Dairy was also lactose intolerant. Sometimes when Dairy made me do something I didn't want to I would replace his almond milk with real milk. This time I did. I'm kind of savage like that.

I did not like being outside. The sun was hot, I had no comfortable chair, and the graphics of real life were sub-par. Luckily, my friend Jonathan was outside too. Jonathan was one of my good friends. He didn't have the best home life. He was a scrawny, timid boy who enjoyed gaming as much as the rest of us. The only thing I didn't like about him was that he was one of those kids who was offended when you called him anything but Jonathan. One of those I prefer Jonathan kids. I walked up to Jonathan. "Hey Jonathan! What are you doing outside?"

    "My friggen mom forgot to pay for my friggen xbox gold account. I have nothing to do."

    "What'd you say me and you go down to the gas station and get us some two liters of mountain dew on you?"

    "Uggg I guess so, I got nothing better to do."

    My vigorous hours of playing Halo made me pretty thirsty. A thirst that only dew could quench. I had also ran out of Doritos. I would have gone and gotten some early but it was dangerous for us greasies to be walking alone, especially me on account of me not walking so good.

We made our way to the gas station, slowly. Walking made me tired on account of my weight and lack of physical fitness. After a couple of hours we made it there.

    "My gosh that was terrible! Never let me do that again. I feel like I'm about to have an infarction." I told Jonathan.

    "Horseman, we only walked two blocks." My friends called me Horseman. It was the gamertag I made up when I was a kid. It stuck and that was my name now.

    At the gas station right before we entered our friend Houston pulled up on his Razor scooter. He had the scooter with the sparks on the back which described him perfectly. He was the bad boy of our group. He hacked all the games and broke all the rules.

    "Hey what are you stupid heads gettin?", said Houston.

    "That wasn't very kind Houston. We're just getting some snacks and drinks" I told him. "I'm also getting some diet coke for Diet Sodapop" Diet sodapop was my other brother. He didn't enjoy gaming very much, he was focused on perfecting his body. He was always taking supplements to better his body and was aspiring to be the city manager of Pawnee, whatever that was.

    We walked into the gas station and grabbed our supplies. The bell rang meaning that somebody was coming in. I saw the feet first. Long tube socks. My eyes grew wide as they scrolled up her body. She was beautiful. She had no hair on her head but she had a long red beard. She grabbed her stuff and got in line. We were right behind her. Her perfume of burps and cheetos was intoxicating enough to make any man like me fall in love. My glasses were pretty foggy at this point.

    "That'll be $1.69" exclaimed the cashier. She reached for her wallet when I smacked it out of her hands. Like a hero.

"I would like to pay for this!" I shouted while handing over Jonathan's money.

"Why would you pay for this freaks cheetos?" said Houston.

"Yeah and that's not even your mo-" said Jonathan before I interrupted him with my fart, rendering him speechless.

"My lady" I said as I bowed to the bearded goddess.

"Thank you" is all she said in her deep, masculine voice before she left, but I knew what she meant. She meant; I love you Horseman, you are my hero. She didn't have to say it.

Watching her walk away my heart began to race and I felt a shooting pain down on my arm. What I thought was love was actually a heart attack.

Next thing I remember was waking up to Jonathan jumping on my chest. "Get off me Johnny! I'm fine"

"It's Jonathan!"

"Yeah yeah" I sighed. "What happened?"

"You had a heart attack fatty!" Houston shouted at me.

"At least I'm ok now... who was that stunning woman?"

"Some ugly cup stacking bi-" I interrupted Houston

"Don't talk about her like that... she was beautiful."

"Huh yeah, and you run a three second forty" poked Houston.

"What's a forty?"


Jonathan helped come pick me up and said, "Come on Horseman, let's head back before you get in trouble." I looked at my watch. The time was 6:48 p.m. We left at noon. Dairy was going to be angry but hopefully he was in the bathroom or better yet, the Hospital. So we went on and made the quest back home. A few hours passed with multiple rest and we made it home.

"Alright Jonathan, pray for me" I said with low confidence.

"I think I'm gonna play with my gameboy on the curb for awhile, I'm still pretty mad at my folks. Have fun"

"Yeah you too". I headed inside and right as the door slammed behind I was greeted by Diet Sodapop.

"Horseman Curtis!" He shot me with finger guns. " Did you get my diet coke?"

"You know I did" I replied with a grin.

"Ahh Horseman, you are lit-tra-lee the best person in the world." My mouth opened but before I could get a word out Dairy was on my case, "Where in the friggen heck have you been?"

"I went to the gas station and had a heart attack get off my case" Dairy started to mock me.

"Oh I had a heart attack, I have life threatening high cholesterol. That's all I ever hear from you. I just got back from the doctor. I know it was you who replaced my milk again and I'm getting sick and tired of it."

"You shouldn't have made me go outside..."

"Quit getting smart with me boy. You have to get punished." Dairy had my Halo disc in his hand.

"Give it back right now. I'm refueled and just about to beat the last level." Dairy raised the disc.

"You gotta learn somehow..." Dairy snapped the disc. Tears began to flood my eyes. How could he do this to me? After all of my hard work. This was unforgivable. I slowly sprinted to the garage and hopped onto my dad old rascal. I made a quick two mph get away with Dairy hot on my tail. Dairy stopped at the garage door and began shouting to me. I couldn't hear him because I was breathing too heavy.

I rode to Jonathan and yelled at him to hop on, "Come on Jonathan we're running away."

"I'm in but why?"

"Dairy broke my disc..." I said through tears.

    "What monster could do that?"

    Jonathan hopped on the rascal and we made our escape. We made it all the way to the other side of town when the rascal ran out of juice. I thought to myself, it was on full battery before I left. I looked at the little pad and it said, weight overload. Of course it did. We were stopped in prime area of the socks. I was nervous as heck. A roar grew in the distance. I took off my glasses to get all the fog off of them. I put them on to see a pack of socks in front of us on their green machines. "What are you greasies doing here? Shouldn't you be at home playing video games and eating doritos?" said the leader, Bod. His group laughed as he got high fives and chuckles. It all went silent for a second then Bod looked at me, "Hey guess what tubby... gaming isn't a sport."

    I've taken a lot of ridicule online gaming but nothing hit me as hard as this did. This really ticked me off. I replied, "Guess what?... cup stacking isn't a sport" Bod's chuckle turned into a grimace of rage. He rolled his green machine full speed ahead into my rascal. I got knocked off and I couldn't get up. Jonathan tried running away but was run over by a green machine. All of the socks were around me now. They made a circle and slowly got closer and closer.

    "You look like you need a good tickle greasy..." They got close and all hands started to tickle me. It was not ok. I started to freak out.

    "Hey socks..." Jonathan was up. All the socks stopped tickling me for a minute.

    "What? You want to get tickled too?" Bod shot back.

    "I didn't want it to come to this..." I knew what Jonathan was gonna do. The socks all started to look at each other.

    "Answer me this riddle" Jonathan said with closed eyes.

    "Is this some kind of joke?"

    "No it's a riddle" Jonathan continued, "What is harder to catch the faster you run?"

    "Huh that... eas.. The answer is... it's... it's..." Bod's head exploded. His blood covered my face. The question was too difficult for his head to handle. The other socks didn't know what to do. They hopped on their green machines and booked it.

    "That was some next level shenanigans Jonathan"

    "That probably was not the best idea... we need to get to Houston"

    We left the scene on Bod's green machine. I didn't have the energy to work a green machine and couldn't fit on it either so I had Jonathan tie a rope around the back to my rascal. It took Jonathan long enough but we finally made it to Houston. Houston liked to hang out at the arcade. His parents gave him money to keep him out because they looked at him like a lost cause. We were about to walk in when an employee stopped us. "Sorry boys read the sign" We looked at the sign and it said, "Children 16 years and younger must be accompanied by an adult."

    "Can you get Houston for us we really need him" I complained.

    "Sorry bro, I don't know who that is"

    "We really need him can you just call his name into the mic or something"

    "Ugg fine" He walked over to the mic, "If there's a Houston in here, Jabba and his skinny friend are looking for you"

    "Huh, He called you Jabba" I whispered to Jonathan. Jonathan wasn't listening He was looking for Houston. After about thirty seconds we saw no sign of Houston. Just when we gave up looking there he popped out from behind.

    "Boo!" He jumped out from right behind us and scared me over. I fell down.

    "Knock it off Houston we need to talk." I said bringing myself to my feet.

    "Yeah", Jonathan said, "Houston, we have a problem"

    "What happened, why do you guys look so shook? And why does tubby have ketchup all over him?"

    Me and Jonathan exchanged a look, I broke the silence, "Well that's the problem... it's not ketchup, or at least doesn't taste like ketchup, have a taste for yourself."

    "I'll pass... what is it?"

    "It's blood" Jonatha interrupted. Now Houston was shook.

    "I thought the only time I'd get involved with murder would be on Pac-man and the ghost" Houston wasn't the smartest man but he was our only hope. We had never killed anyone before. At least not in real life. He did deserve it though. I did not enjoy getting tickled. Houston gave us a plan. His plan was for us to go to Comic con and hide out there until the news died down a little. He let us borrow his razor scooter and we made our way to Comic con.

    The journey to Comic Con was an interesting one. I took the liberty of riding the scooter on account of me not walking so good. I got to use the sparks which was pretty cool. I felt like a badass, even though I was far from it. I did assist in a murder, but that was besides the point. We rounded a corner and saw an unnecessarily large building with Comic con signs everywhere. "This is the place." I said to Jonathan with a grin. "I have to go tinkle, Jonathan can you wait outside"

    "Yeah," Jonathan was a nervous wreck. Killing someone really takes a toll on you. I was not very phased, I was hungry and had to go to the restroom. I walked inside and found the nearest restroom. I took out my phone and saw on my news app that there was a murder and it had mine and Jonathan's pictures right there in black and white and all the other colors, it was a colored picture. My glasses steamed up mighty quickly, I wiped them off and started to pace in the restroom. On the side of the sink I saw a lone, rusty razor. An idea began to blossom in my head. I got outside the restroom and motioned Jonathan to come in. He got in the restroom and I showed him the news story. Jonathan got more nervous. He was visibly sweating now. "What are we gonna do Horseman? We're in deep crap" Jonathan said.

    "Fear not, for I have an idea" I pulled out the razor.

    "What good does that do? We don't have beards."

    "But we have eyebrows... just think of it, if we have no eyebrows, nobody will be able to identify us" Jonathan looked dumbfounded.

    "You know what? To heck with it let's get it done" I shaved Jonathan's eyebrows and he shaved mine. After wiping off all of the blood we looked in the mirror. We looked the same except we had no hair on our eyebrows.

    "We look the same Horseman! Just a little more creepy"

    "I apologize I thought that it would make me look thinner and bring more attention to my eyes"

    "Got any other bright ideas?" I thought for a minute. A new idea came to me.

    "Remember when the worker at the arcade called you Jabba?"

    "Uhhh no, are you sure it wasn't you?"

    "Please, and where are we right now?" I hinted to Jonathan. His eyes grew wide.

"Cosplay!" Exactly what I was thinking. Jonathan had a look of relief and said, "Ok all we need to do is find Leia and Jabba costumes. I can be Leia I guess and you can be-" I stopped him.

"I'm Leia" Jonathan looked angered and puzzled. This was something I would not compromise for. I held Leia in the highest respects and knew her character inside and out.

"That makes no sense, you look like Jabba..." That stung, I thought.

"Ok well I know Leia better, I can make her realistic" Jonathan stopped arguing with me.

"Fine let's just go get the costumes." We walked a while and made it to a closet. This closet was seemingly endless and had pretty much any costume I could think of. We got about to the middle of the isle when we saw the Star Wars costumes. Jonathan found the smallest Jabba and looked at me. "Can't I just be Luke or Darth Vader?"

"Don't be ridiculous Jonathan, we would get exposed too quickly." I walked to the middle of the aisle because it was the only place to change. I just got changed and walked over to where Jonathan was changing. He had just gotten finished and looked at me.

"No way I'm walking around with you like that. Look at yourself!" I looked in the mirror and my metal undergarments shone in the dimly lit room.

"I think I look cute"

"There is no way you are going to be slave Leia, I just can't do this"

"Listen," I was upset, "give this one chance to me, if not I will have no other choice but to turn ourselves in."

"Fine, be slave Leia, I'm sure we could make it work."

We exited the closet and it seemed as though we were blending in fairly well. We could probably set up camp here until the news dies down a little bit. This was a cool place. I was finally surrounded by my kind of people but I couldn't enjoy it as much because walking made me tired , and oh, yeah, I was wanted for a murder. "Horseman, can we go outside for a sec, I'm getting hot in this costume."

"Yeah let's step outside I'm sweating" We got outside, going unnoticed by anyone, and sat on a bench. A faint, familiar sound slowly grew in the distance. What is that sound? I know what that is. I thought. Holy mascocholi. It was friggin green machines. My head quickly turned to the building and I wiped my glasses. There was a friggin cup stacking tournament here too. The green machines came over a hill into sight. They stopped without noticing us. They started to walk inside but in the back of the group I saw the woman from the gas station. I was fantasizing of us playing video games when Jonathan pulled me back. It looked like she noticed us. She kept looking over and whispering to her friend. She did notice us. She ran down and approached us. She was going to rat us out, we were surely screwed. She was right in front of us now. All the other socks went inside already.

"Hey" her deep voice said to me, "You got a sec?"

"I have lots of secs" I awkwardly responded. Bad choice of words.

"Look," she was sympathetic. "I know you boys didn't mean to kill Bod... I mean I'm sure he was asking for it"

"Wait," I had just realized something, "What are you talking about? Uhh I'm Princess Leia and this is Jabba. We are from space and only kill villains and that's only sometimes"

"Ha ha, I knew you were funny" Flippin crablegs. She saw through our disguises. Oh well, at least she was still hot.

"What's your name?" I asked

"Well" she said, "I was born Craig, but my friends call me Big Red"

"Such a beautiful name..." She blushed and fled inside to her friends.

Our cover was already blown. There was no point to be at Comic Con anymore. I looked to the top of the hill. Seven unattended green machines. I gave Jonathan the look. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" Without saying a word we got up and hopped on two of the green machines. On a normal day I would not of have the strength to drive a green machine but I guess talking to a female boosted my testosterone of something. I'm no scientific calculator.

The journey back home was long and unforgivable. We were in town passing a playground. Some kid was getting bullied. I didn't bat an eye. I've been bullied a time or two and I turned out alright. Jonathan kept looking over and felt guilty. "We'd better go help him, I can't just watch this" Jonathan said. Jonathan whipped his green machine in front of mine to turn to the park. We were going downhill, I was going too fast. I ran Jonathan over. There was no turning back. I couldn't go uphill. I had to just head home and tell them Jonathan was dead at the right time. I made it back home faster than expected and had some time before the battle with the socks. I was just about to head inside when Jonathan's mom stopped me.

"Hey Horseguy. Ha-"

"It's Horseman"

"Oh, I'm sorry, have you seen Jonathan? I felt bad and had this xbox gold pass to give him"

"Uhhh" I scratched my head, "I haven't seen him around I'd be happy to give him that pass when I see him" I knew darn well his body was splattered on the concrete. It was gonna happen to him on the way home or in prison.

"Oh thank you Horseman! You're such a good friend!" Jonathan's mom said in a sweet tone.

"No problemo" I said. I walked to my house.

I walked inside. "Hello" My voice echoed through the house.

"Horseman?" It was Dairy. "Is that you?" Around the corner I could see Dairy's face. He ran me over with a powerful embrace.

"Ouch Dairy! That hurt!"

"Couldn't have hurt as bad as it did when you ran away... I thought I'd never see you ever again" Dairy smiled. "Listen I apologize for your disc. That was uncalled for. I bought a new one and Megabit has been playing nonstop trying to get to the last level."

"Wow Dairy, that means a lot, all my hard work will pay off"

"And I don't expect you to be in the battle"

"No, I have to be in the battle!" I had to participate. Big Red would be there. Being around her just made me better.

"You'd better rest up"

"No! I have to battle!"

"Ok ok you can be in the battle, we'd better get ready" I put on my most stylish sweatpants and my new minecraft creeper shirt. I knew I'd be irresistible to Big Red.

"Hey uhh, where is Jonathan?" Dairy asked me.

"The socks got him... there was nothing I could do!" I convincing told Dairy.

"One more reason to sport very good tonight"

We assembled our team and made our way to the sport field thing to do a sport. The socks pulled up on their green machines just after. The new head of the socks, BoBandy, hauled a wagon behind his green machine. A man in a Darth Vader costume sat up. "Hey," I shouted, "you can't have robots on your team, Everyone knows that they are the goodest at sport"

"Oh," BoBandy replied, "Meet our newest member" He unveiled his mask and revealed a smushed face. It was Jonathan. I was the only one who recognized him. "His name," BoBandy said, "is Jonathan"

"Hey" Dairy replied, "we know a guy named Jonathan."

"Oh, good old Johnny," I said nervously, "he sucked at gaming, but we still loved him... well... not really... but I guess we did"

"You better tell them the truth" Jonathan's deformed self said.

"Fine..." I said.

"Well, what's the truth?" Diet Sodapop asked.

"Guys..." everyone was looking at me. "... Jonathan was gay"

"No!" Jonathan said " I heard he was a chick magnet"

"No I thought it was clear." Dairy said. "I thought when you guys were," he put up finger quotes, "having a heart attack... you were... you know?"

"Woah woah woah, I'm not gay" I defended myself.

"Dangit" a soft whisper came from Big Red.

"Wait wait wait" I said. "I'm gay for some things" I winked at shim.

"Alright!" BoBandy yelled, "Let's get this sport over with" A van pulled up and two men in black walked on the field.

"Hello," the black one said, "Do any of you boys have the screen name @hackerboy_not_houston" I was tired of Houston always calling me fat. So, I pointed to him. "That's him officer"

"We appreciate it boy" the man replied with a smile.

"What's in it for me?"

"What do you want?"

I wasn't good on the spot. "Uhhh I'd like a kiss"

"Not gonna happen" the man said.

"Maybe that's not Houston" I said in my sassiest voice.

"Is that so?" the man asked "raise your hand if you are the greatest hacker in the world" Jonathan and Houston raised their hands. "We don't have time for this" the other agent spoke. They unloaded on on the both of them.

"Now, you boys didn't see anything" the black agent said.

"Actually," BoBandy spoke up.

"You didn't see anything BoBandy" Diet SodaPop said while shooting his finger guns at BoBany. BoBandy collapsed. Another man dead. After BoBandy died, everyone panicked and ran away. I had no shot at escaping so I fainted. When I woke up, I looked at my phone. My phone read one message from my dad saying, "What's up?" Is this some cruel joke? My dad is dead. A new message appeared. It said, "I am not dead". One more message appeared reading, "What have you been up to?" I started typing, "Get ready for this dad" I sent. I started typing again, "When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of my basement, I had two things on my mind: Halo, and why Dairy was making me go outside."

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