Her Tete-a-tete With Inner Self (Part 1)

by Dr. Pran Rangan


A normal human has a conscience, which helps him or her differentiate between righteous and unrighteous acts. But there are certain exceptions to this such as people having specific personality disorders. Rajni has a conscience but she fails to take its guidance, landing herself in a predicament that renders her vulnerable to indecision. She then seeks the guidance of her inner self. Her story runs like this......

Sid is in the final year of MBA course in a prestigious Management Institute in New Delhi. He is good looking and dapper. He is courteous to all and that is why he happens to be cynosure of all eyes. He is always in the good books of his teachers and seniors. He is immensely popular among girls, which has caused him to be vain and grandiose.

Sid is friendly with many girls - his classmates and juniors as well and is mostly seen to be enjoying their company. He is particularly closer to a few of his classmates and one of them happens to be Rajni. She is very attractive having a slim and lithe figure. Though many boys are attracted to her, she is crazy about Sid, in spite of knowing well that Sid is exploitative by nature and doesn't waste an opportunity to treat her inconsiderately in many ways. Many a time, she feels miserable after his ill-treatment but it is an irony that he never realizes how badly he has misbehaved with her. But whenever some good-looking boy tries to become friendly with Rajni, he becomes very jealous. Out of jealousy, Sid then begins to pay special attention to Rajni. But after some time his behavior towards her becomes the same as before.

During such times when Sid gives special attention to Rajni with expressions of love and tenderness, physical intimacy takes place between them. She then finds herself into another world of emotional thrill that doesn't last longer, waiting for its cruel end by Sid. On one of such occasions, she told him that they should get married but Sid simply put it off saying that he is not yet ready for it. He then behaved standoffishly with her for many days, making Rajni sad. After some time, their relationship became more or less normal. In fact, their relationship has been continuously having a rollercoaster ride from the very beginning.

Rajni broached the subject of their marriage with Sid a couple of times, when he was in a condescending mood but he bluntly refused her proposal on insubstantial grounds, even though they both were going to complete their course shortly.

Sidd and Rajni both successfully complete their MBA course. So are most of their friends as well. Next month, a function of valedictory ceremony will be held in the Institute to say goodbye to all students, who have been successful. A fortnight later, a campus placement program will also be held for the successful students, who seek an employment.

After the valedictory ceremony, Sid and Rajni visit their home towns to spend some time with their families. Things were going on well, when suddenly Rajni felt nausea and vomiting soon after she woke up in the morning. As she was OK after some time, she tried to forget it, thinking that she might have eaten something wrong. After a couple of days, she had the same feeling again. Then she decided to consult her family doctor, who, after thorough examination, informed her of a possible pregnancy. He advised her some tests, which confirmed her pregnancy.

Rajni's Predicament -

The reality that she is pregnant throws Rajni in an abyss of acute emotional distress. She is utterly perplexed as what to do next. She immediately tries to reach Sid on his mobile phone but initially fails a couple of times before he takes her call. She conveys the news of her pregnancy and requests him that they should get married. Initially he gets flabbergasted by the news but soon recovers to disown any responsibility for her pregnancy. He tells her bluntly that he has nothing to do with her and has yet to get settled in life. He says further that it is she, who always used to entice him to keep physical intimacy with her and, therefore, she is primarily responsible for it. Soon after, she disconnects, breaking the conversation, which leaves her extremely distraught. She sits silent for a long time to organize her thoughts and finally decides to talk to her Mom about it.

She has a heart-to-heart talk with her mom about it in the evening. She advises to get an abortion done as soon as possible, since the society doesn't have a place for an unwed mother. She reiterates that people will make her life miserable, if she doesn't have abortion.

Rajni is unable to decide anything and can't sleep the whole night. Instead, she keeps on conversing about pregnancy with herself.

A tete-a-tete -

Rajni: I just don't know what to do. I am absolutely nonplussed.

Inner Self: Dear Rajni, I have always been there with you but so many times you fail to recognize my existence. One errs when one fails to follow my guidance. I understand that you are unable to think clearly. But I will make it quite clear that one has to face the outcome of one's karmas. No one can escape it. Pregnancy is the outcome of your karma.

Rajni: Yes, I understand it. But I am at a crossroads, not knowing what to do. Please guide if I should follow Mom's advice or not?

Inner Self: If you follow Mom's advice, you will be free from encumbrance of pregnancy and social consequences of an unwed mother. Will you then be able to live without carrying the burden of guilt of ending the life of someone before it comes into the world?

Rajni: You have asked me a difficult question. But I have a strong conscience, which may come in way of being guilt free.

Inner self: Rajni, guilt only relates to mind. In the first place, if you don't identify with it, it will not haunt you. But it will try to overwhelm you at any time, so you will have to be on your guard.

Rajni: Thanks for making it clear to me.

Inner Self: I understand that it will be difficult for you. It is easier for Sid because he is a narcissist. As he doesn't have a conscience, he has no remorse for the dirty mess he has put you into. But to move on in life you will have to take a decision.

Rajni: Undeniably, I failed to follow your guidance. But guide me if I don't follow Mom's advice.

Inner Self: Then, in this case, you will have to face the social consequences, which may be quite harsh not only for you but for your child as well. At times, people may make your life extremely miserable. This is also the outcome of your karma.

Rajni: I repent for not having followed your guidance. But I assure you that henceforth I will always call upon you to seek your valuable guidance.

Inner self: I appreciate your renewed faith in me. I assure that whenever you call upon me, I will be there to help you guide in every situation. If you have full trust in me, I will prove to be infallible.

Rajni doesn't know when she fell into a deep sleep. She wakes up after a very sound sleep when her Mom awakens her with a kiss on cheek. She is feeling light and peaceful as she has been able decide that she will follow Mom's advice.

Three months after getting over her predicament, she joins a MNC at Gurgaon in Delhi as an Assistant Manager. She throws herself headlong in the job, which she begins to enjoy immensely. Before long, she is promoted to the post of H R Manager. After a period of two years, she is sent to Hamburg, Germany on an assignment for a period of two years.

One day while entering a mall, she happens to encounter Sid, who was walking holding the hand of a German lady. Initially, Sid was stunned to see her but soon comes to himself. She exchanges informal pleasantries with him and his companion without a trace of expression of any emotion. And then she moves on!

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