I Hate Love

by mj

He's always there, everywhere I go, and everywhere I turn he is always there. From the time I wake up in the morning the same burden fills my head. What does this even mean? I can't lose my focus like this, not because of this. I need to be focused on what is good for me. But what is good for me? Certainly not him, he would only bring me down, I can't take that chance.

I hate the way he brushes his hair out the way of his face, and the way he make everyone laugh. I hate it when he talks, wow when he talks it just makes the whole world stop. I hate that he is so caring, sincere and benevolent. Boys are so obnoxious, they are my worst enemy.

There is something different about this one, he's not like the rest; he is compassionate, sympathetic and understanding, but what is his game, what is he playing at. Some people would say that we are close but I don't see it that way. I keep my distance, I try not to talk about things too personal and I do not share my secrets with him although I like the time we spend together. Have you played tag with a boy you like and told them to stop chasing you, but secretly you want them to keep chasing you? I know complicated, girls right? But that is exactly like my situation, I never want our conversations to end yet I'm always the one to end it. I guess I'm just scared, nervous or maybe a bit delusional about this whole thing. I don't want to let down my walls, not again. For him to know my secrets, that makes me vulnerable, vulnerable for heartbreak and blackmail. This kind of thing happened before, I guess I'm more aware this time, I won't make the same mistake.

But it's been a year from when we started hanging out and I think things are getting out of hand. There is this feeling in my stomach that won't go away, I've never had this feeling before. Is this what I think it is? I hope I'm wrong but what if I'm right? I don't want to be right. I feel this fondness, warmth and endearment towards him. This isn't love is it? It can't be, no way, I don't fall in love, which is one of the things dad loves about me. Is this what love feels like? If it is, I don't like it. The feeling is like a parasite wiggling inside your stomach.

But then he manages to make that thought go away, how he tucks my hair behind my ears, how he would make me laugh at the darkest of days, how he would sing for me when I'm dejected. Sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way I do but I don't think about that much. I still cannot escape him in the fact that we are going to the same university, anyway you can't really escape him, he' like a ninja. But prom is about a couple days away and we were supposed to go together. Prom isn't really my thing we are not going. Actually he invited me to his house. Wait, what does that mean?

Anyway, it's not so bad just lying on the bed talking about crazy things like taking over the planet or throwing horse crap at Donald trump. I was actually enjoying myself. Then he touched me in a way he never did before, his face inched towards mine, his lips stroked against mine. GREAT! We're making out, which was not supposed to happen. But I didn't stop him, our behaviour grew more intense by the second, we end up stripping away each other's clothing. But I still didn't stop him. I actually want this!

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" he queried with that sexy voice.

"Yeah, I wanna do this." I was stunned by my own answer, but I didn't take it back.

He lowered his head to kiss my neck and his body lowered onto mine.

It was the morning after, hoping what happened last night was a crazy dream, but it wasn't. He laid beside me with his arm around my naked waist and his hair a mess but sexier than ever. He woke up a few seconds after.

"You ok?" he questioned.

  "Yeah .... I'm fine."

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