The Real Walt Disney

by Storm Lattimer

The year is 1944 and the war has turned against Hitler and his forces. Hitler knows that he will lose the war and wants to take the Jews with him, in an act of desperation he calls upon the only person that hates the Jews as much as him, Walt Disney, to take up Heinrich Himmler's job as head of the SS. Disney wasted no time upon his arrival putting up gas chambers around conquered European countries cleverly disguised as Mickey Mouse Club registration huts. Needless to say, the death toll was horrific as both Jews and non-Jews fell victim to the deadly ploy, but Hitler was in too much of a hurry to care how Walt did the job, just that it got done.

Disney's bloodlust seemed unquenchable. After the war SS under Walt's control reported that they were in utter fear for their life when around him. A former SS named Kurt Reich was quoted in an interview before his death in 1969 in saying:

"He was a mean man, cruel even by our standards. We lost at least 3 troops every month to his brutal rule. I remember during the first couple of weeks he replaced Himmler that he bit off another man's left nipple for dropping his cup of coffee near him. He is a savage among savages and should be captured and executed for war crimes before something like the Holocaust happens again. I mean, we were just following orders, but he bathed in the blood of the Jews and feasted upon their entrails. Not since Vlad the Impaler has the world seen such an abomination."

Indeed Disney's reputation among the SS grew to nearly epic proportions. Experts even have trouble trying to separate his true deeds with some of the more exaggerated ones such as the time he visited a synagogue in Poland and killed 47 Jews with a machete. As outlandish as this claim was, the SS of the time took the gossip about Walt very seriously. It became a known fact among the SS that Walt had a cocaine addiction and it was speculated that this was what fueled his onslaught against the Jewish people. But what made Walt Disney the anti-Semitic person he was before his official "death" in 1966? The world may never know, but the one (and only) theory suggests that he snapped from all the years of cocaine abuse, child abuse, and the possibility that he was hiding his homosexuality.

The accounts of Walt soon found the ears of the allied powers and Roosevelt demanded something be done before the Jews were wiped from existence. In a top-secret memo recently declassified, Roosevelt asked Churchill to "find some way to end the madness". He also asked if Churchill could "approve plans on a new sniper rifle built specifically to kill Walt Disney". The said rifle would shoot silver bullets laced with holy water. Churchill scoffed at Roosevelt's plan and suggested to simply "Shoot the bugger with an RPG". Keep in mind this entire time that Stalin was left in the dark about Walt and the plans to kill him.

Then on November 14th 1944, one of Roosevelt's aids was reading a book by none other than Dr. Seuss when Roosevelt had the idea that would change the tide of the Holocaust. FRD quickly wired Churchill telling him "The only way to kill Walt is to send someone after him as crazy as he is". Roosevelt was right on the mark as Seuss had a grudge against Disney because Disney bought up the deed to an old theme park that he later turned into Disney Land before Seuss could do the same by making Seuss World. So later that month they made contact with the crazed child author and shipped him to Germany with a fire axe and 1 pound of cocaine to "Do whatever's necessary to ensure the survival of the Jewish people".

What followed was one of the greatest battles the world has seen. In the lonely city of Kristlacheon Disney made a fatal error by shooting an RPG in the air trying to kill a bird who may or may not have been of Jewish decent (its is still disputed weather or not the bird really was Jewish) and giving away his position. Seuss quickly leapt from a nearby rooftop, high on 1 pound of cocaine, and chopped off Disney's head. With an elated cackle Seuss rhymed:

One chop

Two chop

Three chop, four

I killed Walt Disney

And his mother was a whore

And so ended Walt's reign of terror, that is until some of Hitler's troops found Disney's head and cryogenically froze it, later mounting it on a large robot and sending him back to the USA before the end of the war in 1945. Seuss never learned of Walt's new robot body due to the explosion of his head shortly after killing Disney, a side effect of the cocaine. Walt later opened many Disney theme parks upon his return to the States to confuse the government. They never found Walt and assumed he died by1966. Some say even to this day that he still lives and that some of his theme parks built around the world are really secret extermination camps built to limit the population of Jews. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

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