Pk the Musical

by Brent Wilson

PK the Musical

ACT 1 - Scene 1

Scene opens - curtain rises on a ballroom, dancers are still, waiting for music to begin. Dancers - half men, half women, men on one side, women on the other. Men - dressed in tuxedos, with cardboard missiles strapped to their backs. Women in long evening gowns. Music begins, men and women dance to center, then dance as couples. Singer in foreground, "Dance of the Neo-Cons" -

Neo-cons now rule the world, we fought a war and won

Liberalism's dead and yet, we're angry and no fun

We run the world the people say, but we want so much more

If you don't give it to us now, we'll start another war

Chorus We're neos, neos, neo neo cons

We'll con you , con you

And treat you all like pawns

We're neos, neos, neo neo cons

We'll con you, con you

Spend your money 'till it's gone

We believe that we are right , and if we're not who cares ?

We're in control of all you see, no challenger would dare

We'll scream and yell and shout some more, we take it all too far

If you don't agree with us, a traitor's what you are

Chorus We're neos, neos, neo neo cons

We'll con you, con you

And treat you all like pawns

We're neos, neos, neo neo cons

We'll con you, con you

Spend your money 'till it's gone

Song finishes, lights go off and dancers exit stage. Lights come back on, President PK is seated at his desk in the Awful Office, speaking to his adviser, LC Denominator, who is dressed in long black coat and stovepipe hat, like an old-time undertaker.

LC : That was a close election, PK. If we didn't have friends in high and low places, no doubt we would have lost to your crafty opponent. And to think, he tried to steal the election from you, the rightful heir to the Throne. Thank goodness your brother stepped in to make sure everything worked to our plan in the province of Kreplach.

PK : And thanks to our friends in the Wepreme court. Our Foundling Fathers no doubt intended for me to win this erection, otherwise they wouldn't have made a Wepreme court to make sure that I did win.

LC : Now that we've won, we must put into effect some of the plans our paymasters - I mean supporters - have demanded. Oh, and by the way, I have some bodies to dispose of - OK if I bury them in the Rose Garden ?

PK : Well you are the official undertaker, I suppose the Rose Garden is as good a place as any.

LC : I suggest you have a meeting with Vice President Stickyfingers to develop your payback plan. After all we can't forget who we're working for ! It certainly isn't that lump of flesh known as the people !!

(LC and PK share a few moments of maniacal laughter).

PK : Oh, and by the way, what did you think of my Coronation - I mean inauguration ? (PK and LC share more maniacal laughter). Was my crown big enough ? Do you think Royal Purple suits me ?

LC : It'll be a long time before the WE people see the end of you !

LC exit's the Awful Office, and Cyrus Stickyfingers, Vice President enters. Stickyfingers is carrying a puppet, which is an exact replica of President PK, only that it's a foot tall.

PK : Welcome Cyrus ! How is the energy plan going ?

Sticky fingers : President, I've meet with the industry leaders - Otis Oilpumper of World Oil, and Bart Bigbucks of Great Big War Industries, as well as your biggest supporter, Ben Gay of Shell Game Energy.

Our plan basically boils down to drill everywhere all the time. Oh, and we also have to cut taxes. But just for really, really rich people.

PK : But I thought we should cut taxes just a teeny little bit for some of the trolls who voted for us.

Stickyfingers now manipulates his puppet, and mimes PK : PK says we have to cut taxes for the trolls. Ha-ha ! That's a good one ! Next he'll be saying this is a democracy !! Ha-ha.

Stickyfingers next gets out a voodoo doll, an exact replica of PK, and begins to poke pins into it.

PK : Ouch ! That hurts, Sticky fingers ! You know I can't stand pain ! Oh all right, I'll cut taxes just for the really, really rich people, and screw the trolls as usual.

Sticky fingers : I knew you'd come around to my way of thinking. Oh, and by the way, Bart Bigbucks of Great Big War Industries also said that we need to increase war spending a whole lot, since he needs a new yacht and his private jet is a little tattered. He said that we need a couple of small wars to get things going, but nothing too challenging, just the usual beating-up-on-countries-that-are-already-on-their-knees kind of stuff. Oh, and did I forget ? Those lovable neo-cons said that you have to go out and break all our treaties. None of that sissy stuff for the proud people of WE ! We don't need no stinkin' treaties !

Song, sung by PK and Sticky fingers : PK and Stickyfingers sing the song, while doing a tango together

Treaty Breaking Tango -

(sung to the tune of Hernando's Hideaway)

A treaty is just for the weak

And god he knows we aren't like that

We have to break them one by one

Ole ! We do just what we please

Don't tell me 'bout your human rights

There's just one right and that is might

We bomb you now that's what we say

Ole ! We do just what we please

You say you won't Proliferate ?

Or warm the air with CO2

You'll have a court adjudicate

Ole ! We do just what we please

PK: All right, I'll see what I can do. But no more of that voodoo stuff ! I can handle the puppet, but no more pins !

Sticky fingers : It's good that we see eye-to-eye, Mr. President. Now if you'll excuse me I think I'll go have another heart attack.

Scene 2 --------------

Narration : And so things rocked along for a time. Taxes were cut, deficits were created, and the rich grew even richer. Until one day some months later, the President is visiting a school in Kreplach, where a little girl is explaining her science project, which involves training hamsters to be commandos, and the weapons which they will be equipped with.

Little Girl : Mr. President I've trained my hamsters to fire a little machine gun, and see here, I've got a little assault boat that they pilot, to infiltrate enemy positions, that I borrowed from my Ken and Barbie set. If I could just get a big fat government contract I'm sure I could train them to become front-line soldiers, just like our Army of One. Oh, and preferably a cost-plus contract. I talked to Great Big War Industries already, but they weren't interested. They said that they only produce Great Big Things that make loud noises, and hamsters weren't big enough to push the buttons and pull the levers.

PK : Little girl, that's all very interesting, but our military has everything under control, everywhere all the time. That's why were the most powerful country in the world, and our security is continually increasing. Besides, hamsters are too cheap and only Great Big Expensive weapons made by Great Big Companies can protect us.

Aide to President , whispering in PK's ear : Mr.President it appears that several airliners have been hijacked.

PK : (speaking to little girl) As I was saying little girl, only Great Big Expensive weapons can protect us. And we have a lot of them, so of course nobody would every dream of attacking us.

Narration :

And so the little girl shows her hamsters to President PK, who pays rapt attention to them - and they are kind of cute, dressed in their little commando uniforms, with their little weapons, assault boats and so on.

20 minutes later - Aide to President, whispering in PK's ear : Mr. President, it appears that the airliners have been crashed into several really large buildings, and into the offices of the Great Big War Machine.

And so the President leaves the school, and gets onto Air Force None, then flies around the country aimlessly for a few hours while everybody wonders where he is (PK is shown entering a cardboard model of an airplane, with the number "0" on the side. Plane staggers around stage for a while, then lands and PK goes to desk for meeting with Condiment Spice.)

The next day -

Condiment Spice (National Insecurity Advisor and Scaremonger) - That wily Nosama Beenhidin is taking credit for this dastardly deed. So Mr. President, I suggest that you ground all commercial flights, except that we must let all members of the Beenhidin family be flown out of the country. Because of course they are all as innocent as can be, and just because they have the same last name, same father, grew up in the same household, from the same country, all part of the same sprawling business empire, of course they are all as innocent as can be. Of course the WE people shouldn't be allowed to fly, but by all means let the Beenhidins out of the country.

PK : It's a great tragedy for the nation, but of course first we must let all the Beenhidins out. And while you're at it, please call a meeting of the National Insecurity Council. We must have a strategy to deal with this great tragedy.

Narration : And so the meeting was convened with the usual suspects

Sticky fingers : As you all know I've called this meeting in order to respond to this grave crisis.

PK : But I'm the President

Sticky fingers (cutting off PK) : Silence ! I'll tell you when to speak ! As I was saying, we have to respond to this grave crisis in a forceful manner. We were attacked, so we have to attack someone. Who should it be ? Preferably a weak, war-torn country with a government about to fall anyway. Oh, and Nosama Beenhidin should have been there at some point in his life. Anybody for Attacki Stan ? Or should we do Norakistan first ? I kind of like the idea of Attackistan - the name just begs you to bomb them. And people don't even know where it is, and they don't really have an army. We could just send our Air Force to bomb them back into the stone age, and then send our Army of One to secure the area.

General Fuddle (Secretary of State) : But shouldn't we go to the Disunited Nations first ? If we get some partners it won't look like we're just there for revenge. I'm sure we can bribe some of those really small weak nations to send some troops, and of course our allies the Wittish can be counted on to fall in line. We should also consider how long we plan to be there, how many troops to send, and what we hope to accomplish there, apart from just bombing and wandering around looking for Beenhidin.

Sticky fingers : Nonsense ! The Wemericans just want to see a little blood ! An eye for an eye and all that - never mind that Attackistan never attacked us or anything like that. We need an easy victory over a weak make-believe enemy to show the people that we're still in the driver's seat.

Condiment Spice : I heartily agree, but we must begin soon. As they say, shoot first and ask questions later. We'll be continually more secure everywhere all the time if we bomb them now, destroy their government, ruin their cities, and put warlords in charge of everything, like they were before the Naliban took over. Everybody knows that the way to reduce terrorism is to create anarchy . And once we defeat that wily Naliban, we should pretty much forget about reconstructing the country since it would cost too much and take away from the budget for the Great Big War Machine. Of course Beenhidin might just happen to be hiding there (or maybe he isn't) but we'll attack anyway, just in case it might do some good somehow. At least we'll seem forceful. We'll show those hijackers - or at least we would show them if they weren't already all dead.

911 Means War Forever Against Everybody (A Love Song) (sung by PK and Cyrus Stickyfingers)

911 Oh God it's bad, it really makes me mad

I don't know what I'm gonna do, but one thing I can say ---

Chorus -

You'll pay, you'll pay, you'll pay and pay and pay

We've got a war forever now, as long as we all live

Everyone is on our list, no quarter we will give

We'll get you Poles and Finns and Czechs ( you talk funny anyway)

Of all your countries we'll make a wreck

Evidence you want of crime ?

We're pre-emptive now, don't need a dime

Of things that you're about to do

That's all we care , So fuck, fuck you !

So we will get the terrorist or spread democracy

Or should I find the WMC or should I do all three ?

Chorus -

You'll pay, you'll pay, you'll pay and pay and pay

We've got a war forever now, as long as we all live

Everyone is on our list, no quarter will we give

We'll get you Poles and Finns and Czechs (you talk funny anyway)

Of all your countries we'll make a wreck

Evidence you want of crime ?

We're pre-emptive now, don't need a dime

Of things that you're about to do

That's all we care, So fuck, fuck you ..

So if I fight a war or two or maybe three or four

I lost the count already now, is someone keeping score ?

Chorus -

PK : It feels so good to know God is on our side. That reminds me of my motto : Do Something Even If It's Wrong. Or my other motto : Being the President Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry. Let the bombing begin. Let's all join hands while I pray for victory :

(Everybody joins hands, bows their heads and closes their eyes, while PK recites the following prayer)

Oh Lord, thou art very wise and thou hast placed a great power in my hands

I pray that you will continue to speak to me on a daily basis

And to tell me which countries we should bomb next

And who we are supposed to hate this week

Oh, Lord, creator of the Universe, hater of all that is evil and lover of all good things

Help me to guide my people through the wilderness of those godless terrorists

Into the promised land of greater and greater prosperity and free markets

And privatization of everything that isn't nailed down, everywhere and forever

Amen !

Scene 3 ---------------

Narration - And so things bumped along for a while - bombs were dropped, the Naliban were banished, but no sign of Beenhidin. Harmed Howgood was installed as the puppet ruler of Attackistan - although he was just really the mayor what was left of the capitol, mostly just ruins. A few roads were built in Attackistan, but not much else of consequence was done there. Taxes were cut on the rich more and more, and the country slumbered along for a while. Reality TV was all the rage, but it didn't reflect reality for many people

Narration -

Russell Hoohaw and his show "Guillotine" . Guillotine is a daily show on cable TV on the Patriot network, which is mostly made up of talk shows telling people how to think - since the WE people are too lazy to gather their own information and form their own opinions. The premise of Guillotine is to lure liberals and people who aren't rabid war mongers onto the show, and then chop off their heads before they get a chance to make their points against war and the Wepublican agenda.

Russell Hoohaw : Welcome to Guillotine, where the truth hurts ! I'm your host Russell Hoohaw, and you all of course know the man who really makes the show, a man we all know and love, our executioner Eight-Ball Owens.

First a little bit of news. Our troops have defeated that scum the Naliban, and now Attackistan is free and democratic forever and forever , Amen, thanks to God and the Wemerican military (canned cheering in the background) as well as our Army of One, who is keeping the peace and spreading love and peace and freedom and democracy and market economics forever and forever Amen. It's a miracle how Attackistan is becoming more and more free and democratic and patriotic and prosperous every day , Amen. Our President and Great and Fearless Leader and Knower of the Hearts of All Men , a man we all know and love, is continually making us more free and secure and prosperous all of the time everywhere, Amen.

But there are those of us, perish the thought, who would seek to tear down this great and glorious country, a country that has brought all good things to all people since the beginning of time and will continue to do so until eternity, Amen. And I have one of those people on the show today (recorded hisses in the background), a person so vile, so hideous, I hesitate to introduce him at all, except that of course we'll have to cut off his head later - unless he recants, and then he can live.

Would you please give a big Guillotine un-welcome to that scum-bag and liberal apologist and French lover Bob "Satan" Smith (more hisses in background). "Satan" Smith will try to tell us why we should try peaceful means to settle conflicts - and then we'll cut off his head !! (great cheering in background).

Bob Smith : First of all, Russell, with all due respect, my middle name is not "Satan".

Russell Hoohaw : Satan Speaks !! Spawn of the Devil !!Devil get thee before me !!

Bob Smith : Russell I don't know why you can't be civil.

Russell Hoohaw : Satan you keep attacking me !!! You tried to strike me just then ! I know what's in your heart !! God has told me that you would do me evil ! I'll have to preemptively cut off your head before you attack me !!!

Bob Smith : Russell if you would just let me speak, I just want to say that nonviolent conflict resolution is the only way (Bob Smith is gagged from behind and handcuffed by the executioner Eight-ball Owens. Huge applause in the background. Bob Smith is led to guillotine, the shadow of which just falls onto the edge of the stage. Bob Smith can't be seen, but his shadow falls onto the side of the stage. Soon we hear the blade fall, and audience can see what appears to be the shadow of Bob Smith's head fall into a basket. Huge cheers from the audience. Guillotine and Bob Smith are not visible in any of this, but audience is led to believe that he was guillotined.)

Russell Hoohaw : So you see ladies and gentleman, this is what happens to evil people in the land of freedom and democracy, forever and forever, Amen (recorded cheering in the background). There is no place for Satan to hide in this world of continually expanding freedom, although Satan can take many forms, as you have just witnessed. But we sniffed him out, and preemptively cut off the head of Satan, just as our great President and fearless leader is doing in the world. We must follow the example of our great President and Leader and Knower of the Hearts of All Men and preemptively cut off the heads of Satan, wherever and in whatever form we may find him.


Lights darken, when they go back on we are in the living room of Ed and Edwina Everyman. Ed and Edwina are a lower middle-class working couple. It's about dinner time, Edwina is setting the table, and Ed is in a recliner drinking a beer, watching television. Edwina works at MegaSuperMart, and is still wearing her work uniform. She appears very tired, since she's worked very hard today. Ed is also tired, from a long day at the factory where he works assembling cannons at Great Big War Industries.

Ed : I sure do agree with that Russell Hoohaw ! I think he's right about just about everything ! Those whiny scum-eating liberals are just ruining this county ! Hell, they're as bad as that Naliban !

Edwina : Ed, you shouldn't get so worked up about that TV show. I think it's just awful what they do, cutting people's heads off. They don't even give them a chance to speak before they do it.

Ed : Well they're all traitors anyway, you don't give a traitor a chance to speak.

Edwina : Ed honey, turn off the TV and lets have some supper now. I made your favorite - fried catfish and hushpuppies. Would you like some iced tea ?

Ed : Sure honey.

(Ed and Edwina sit down together at table, start eating)

Edwina :I'm so tired Ed, they work me so hard at MegaSuperMart. They say we may have health insurance next year, so I hope they'll cover some of our medications. Do you know we spent over $400 last month on our medicine ?

Ed: I didn't know it was that much.

Edwina : Larue over in hardware threw her back out the other day, I don't know what she'll do. She's got 2 kids and her husband was just laid off from Reliable Industries - they moved his job overseas to Outsourceistan. We sure see a lot of things in the store from Outsourceistan, and they sure are cheap. But I just wonder sometimes about the poor people losing their jobs.

Ed : Honey bell, just don't you worry. This is the strongest country in the world. Our president knows what's best for us. It's those damned liberals, the abortionists, the traitors who want to bring the country down ! That brother-in-law of yours for example - Dave Monocrat ! Why that whining scum would probably turn tail and run if he ever saw a terrorist ! Anybody who votes for the Monocratic party ought to have their heads examined ! Russell Hoohaw says the Monocrats are no better than terrorists, they're always voting to weaken this country and cut war spending !

Edwina : Now Dave isn't so bad - he treats my sister well.

Ed : My this is the best catfish I can remember, honey. Makes me remember why I married you.

Edwina smiles , continues eating .


(lights darken, and PK walks onto stage, under spotlight)

Another song sung by PK -

Cuttin' Tax and Makin' War - That's All My Life is For

I think about posterity, the time that's later on

I wonder what the future thinks, if they think that I'm great

I've got to build a legacy, so history will see

You see I'm only just a man, although a president

Chorus Cuttin' Tax and Makin' War, That's All My Life is For

If I cut your tax some more, can I please have another war ?

I'm such a leader yes indeed, I'll give you billions and they'll bleed

Tax cut, war, war, how could any man ask for more ?

My Daddy said let's not attack, just give a little time

But God is on my side right now, to wait would be a crime

I've got to have another war, to set my legacy

And I'm the President you see, and war is what I do !

Cuttin' tax and Makin' War, that's all that my life is for

If I cut your tax some more, can I please have another war ?

I'm such a leader yes indeed, I'll give you billions and they'll bleed

Tax cut, war, war, how could any man ask for more ?

Act 2, Scene 1 ----------------------

Scene in bombed-out building in Norakistan, with president Harmed Howgood. And Chairman Bodybag., Secretary of War and Expert on Everything.

Harmed Howgood : I want to thank you for helping us rid ourselves of the Naliban. However, the warlords are becoming a problem, especially since Steve Soldier, your Army of One is trying to maintain security in the country all by himself.

Chairman Body bag : You rag-head dunce !@# Can't you see how stupid you are !*&^

Harmed Howgood : Mr. Chairman, please do not insult me personally.

Chairman Body bag : I'll insult you any way I want to you &*%$ !

Harmed Howgood : Regardless of your feelings toward me Mr. Chairman, I would like to ask you what you propose to do about the warlords ?

Chairman Body bag : You rag-head scum, the warlords will run the country from now on, I don't care what that idiot PK says. We can do business with the warlords, they'll keep everyone in line, and their militias will allow us to free up our Army of One to go attack Norackistan.

Harmed Howgood : So Mr. Chairman, when can we expect help to rebuild our shattered country ?

Chairman Body bag : When Hell freezes over !

Harmed Howgood : But I can't tell my people that, the people are suffering after so many years of war. They must have hopes for a better future.

Chairman Body bag : I don't care what you tell your people, tell them the moon is green for all I care. By the way how is the gas pipeline coming ?

Harmed Howgood : Unfortunately not so good. The pipeline has been blown up several times already in the north. The Naliban is still operating in many areas, many places are controlled by nobody at all. All in all security is as bad as it's ever been. Drugs are being grown openly all over the country, since the people have no other way of making money, and the warlords are running the drugs business. At least the Naliban, as bad as they were, got rid of the drugs.

Chairman Body bag : Well we may have to send in some security people from Great Big War Industries to keep the pipeline safe. I suppose we could take some money from your so-called reconstruction budget and hire some more pipeline guards.

Harmed Howgood : But Mr. Chairman we need all of the little money we get to keep the people from starving.

Chairman Body bag : Hell I don't care if they eat cattle fodder ! We needed a little revenge and a big pipeline, the sooner you get that into your head the better off we'll all be. We've got bigger fish to fry over in Norakistan. You're on your own Howgood - if you don't like it maybe you'd like us to replace you with one of your warlords ?

Harmed Howgood : I will do the best I can with what I have, Mr. Chairman. I'm just telling you that it won't be easy, but I will do my very best.

Chairman Body bag : You do that, and no more whining !!

Scene 2 -----------------

Narration -

Scene at the offices of Great Big War Machine Industries, a meeting with the scientist Dr. Melvin Moonbeam. Dr. Moonbeam, a very distinguished scientist, has many inventions and discoveries to his credit - the world's first Realtor-seeking missile, in addition to discoverer of many rare elements, among them Absurd ium, a rare element that can be used for good or evil. Absurdium is the element that the dreaded Weapons of Mass Construction (WMC) are based on - weapons so terrible that they create cities and infrastructure before your very eyes, without the interference of Realtors or property developers. Dr Moonbeam was perhaps not so well known as the inventor of the Unlimited Love Machine (ULM) , an Absurdium-based machine which, in field trials, produced peace in war zones, caused people to become universally non-violent, and to refuse to pay taxes to support weapons systems and war. Kind of like marijuana and just as illegal.

Dr. Moonbeam : I understand that I do work for you Mr. Bigbucks, but the Unlimited Love Machine is a device that could save humanity from itself.

Bart Big bucks (CEO of Great Big War Industries) : Or ruin this company ! If peace broke out and people refused to pay war taxes we'd all be out on the street, and I'd have to sell my yacht and jet !

Dr. Moonbeam : A small price to pay for peace in the world, and an end to the arms race.

Bart Big bucks : Are you daft ? I'd be out on my ear in a split-second if word of the Unlimited Love Machine ever leaves this room. And, since you invented the ULM on company time with a company budget, technically it belongs to Great Big War Industries. Besides, we make money by building things that blow things up in a really complicated and expensive manner, not by causing peace !

Dr. Moonbeam : If you won't listen I'll have to go over your head !

Bart Big bucks : Lots of luck ! Nobody in this administration wants peace ! They want their nice little wars to go on forever and forever, war profits to pile up higher and higher, taxpayer paying for it all. It's a sweet deal, and don't you go ruining it or you'll be out on the street, and maybe a lot worse than that.

Dr. Moonbeam : I've taken the liberty to assemble an identical ULM at a secret location, and if anything happens to me, the media will be shown to it immediately.

Bart Big bucks : You leave me no option but to dismiss you ! Nobody will hire you now, you peace-monger!!!

Dr. Moonbeam : Sooner or later the truth will out. If I have to I'll set up a ULM at the Department of War, turn it on, and see how long Great Big War Industries lasts ! Even that warmonger Chairman Bodybag will turn into a peace-monger instantly, just you wait and see . The whole department of war will start wearing paisley, put flowers in their hair, and smoke marijuana ! You'd better invest in bell-bottom pants now before they sell out ! You'll lose all your orders overnight !

Bart Big bucks : Just settle down, we can still be friends. Besides, I've taken the liberty of kidnapping your sickly mother, and we're holding here at a nice safe place to insure your complete cooperation.

Dr. Moonbeam : You've kidnapped my mother ? But she needs her medication ! How do I know you haven't harmed her ?

Bart Big bucks : She's just fine, she's comfortable and fine. You can see her next week if you cooperate with us. Oh, and by the way, how's the report on the Mellowcake coming along ? Those people over at the Badministration need it so they can go after Dr. Bad in Norakistan. Remember, it has to show Dr. Bad's fingerprints all over it, and that he wants the Mellowcake to build Weapons of Mass Construction, and that he can more or less destroy the entire world within 45 seconds.

Dr. Moonbeam : I can't find any evidence of Dr. Bad wanting Mellowcake, or that they have a program in Norakistan capable of producing anything more advanced than laughing gas. Except of course all that nasty stuff that you sold them that they used against Youran, back in the Norak -Youran war. But that's all been destroyed long ago.

Bart Big bucks : Well do your best, Moonbeam. I know your mother certainly would like to see you, but of course, if you don't cooperate .

Scene 3

Narration -

And so things dragged on for a time. Every time the President mentioned Attackistan, General Chaos took it as his cue to drop bombs on that unfortunate country. While the President didn't intend for this to happen, his general cluelessness and inability to communicate clearly led to many misunderstandings. General Chaos, thinking the President wanted him to attack a "-stan" country, figured he couldn't be faulted for attacking Attackistan, just in case. The President had gotten so pre-emptive, he often expected his generals to attack a country before he even mentioned it, just in case.

PK : Chairman Bodybag, how are things going with your plan for Norakistan ? Are we on schedule to attack them soon ? Those weasels at the DN (Disunited Nations) slowed me down a little, but I sure showed them who's boss. The House of Unrepresentatives helped too, with their Freedom Toast and Freedom Fries - it's wonderful how we're just one big happy, united, secure nation pursuing unlimited security for peace and justice and democracy for all people forever and forever everywhere Amen.

Chairman Body bag : Contracts have been awarded to WarDaddy Industries, and we do have a childish forgery of a letter that you could use as evidence of Norakistan possibly wanting some Mellowcake.

PK : Excellent ! We must destroy that Dr. Bad, dictator of Norakistan, he is a truly evil person. I'll get on TV and tell the trolls - I mean people - that Dr. Bad and Nosama are plotting together against us - even though of course there isn't any evidence.

Condiment Spice : Mr. President, I agree, if you repeat even a lie often enough it becomes the truth. Besides, the people aren't smart enough to know what their own interests are, so we'll just have to decide for them. Dr. Bad is truly evil, especially since he wants to sell his oil for that bad money they use in Europe, and not the good money we use here in WE land. It's imperative that we attack him right now !

LC Denominator - PK, if you want a war you've got to scare the people more - fear is what you want. Raise the threat level from Pink to Rose - declare a National Urgency. That crafty R is starting to catch up in the polls, we need to show you as a powerful leader, leading the people to ever higher levels of security. In an emergency people will vote for you hands down.

PK : I'll have to pray on this a bit. (President shown praying, head bowed on desk in the Awful Office).PK you're right - we can't lead that god-hating R steal my thunder. I'll consult with Condiment Spice on, you know, things, we'll come up with something.

Condiment Spice : Mr. President I advise you to be more forceful, show more persuasion. Just like you did in the old days.

( they break into a song, duet with PK and Condiment Spice) -

Attack Norackistan (Before It's Too Late)

The world is bad and I am good, there's evil everywhere

You lift a rock and see two eyes, a terrorist is there

They plot and plot and pretty soon

You hear a bomb, it goes kaboom !!!

And now the people say .

Chorus -

Attack ! Attack ! Attack Norakistan!

Attack !Attack ! Attack Norakistan!

We'll rid them of that Dr. Bad

He's so evil it makes me sad

Attack ! Attack ! Attack Norakistan!

You must be with us can't you see, or you are evil too

If you don't help us you help them, a terrorist true blue

Send lawyers guns and money now, to wait is just a crime

We must attack them yesterday, that Dr. Bad must go !

Chorus -

PK : Yes Condiment, those were the days. We knocked off Attackistan just like I said we would. I love Freedom and Peace so much, I brought a little bit of it to those Attackis. Now they're free to vote and free to be free of that awful Naliban and it's a wonderful world. By the way, how are things in Attackistan these days ? General Chaos says there's light at the end of the tunnel. Any sign of that wily Nosama ? (in the background you can hear General Chaos ordering more bombing of Attackistan. "The President said Attack iStan ? Well, order another bombing run").

Condiment Spice : No sign of Nosama, Mr. President. Of course he no longer matters since we are going to attack Norakistan. Our studies indicate that the people of WE only pay attention for about 3 months, and have more or less forgotten about Nosama. So you can rest assured, Mr. President, that we are undergoing continually increasing levels of security here in WE. Can I have an Amen ?

PK, Chairman Bodybag in unison : Amen !

Condiment Spice : It is important that you show forceful leadership even if it proves later that you were completely wrong about everything. To waver is to show weakness, what the WE people want is a great big father figure who never admits he ever made a mistake, not ever. Can I get an Amen ?

PK, Bodybag, all in unison : Amen !

Stage goes dark, all actors exit. PK comes back on stage ,stands at podium. PK gives speech to audience, as if he were talking to TV cameras.

PK : My fellow Americans, I come to you tonight to bring you news of a grave threat to our national security. That evil dictator Dr. Bad of Norakistan is, even now, as we speak, assembling Weapons of Mass Construction. Top top very highly secret sources have indicated that he will soon be able to destroy the entire world and everything in it within 45 seconds. We have in our possession a document from the country of Remoteistan that shows he has procured a large quantity of Mellowcake, which will be used to produce highly enriched weapons-grade Absurdium. From that point it's only a question of time before he destroys us completely, and takes away our large luxury automobiles, our outdoor barbecuers, and forces us all to worship Baal and the Golden Calf.

It is our sacred duty as a God-fearing country to hate Dr. Bad with all our might. I spoke with God yesterday and he said that we must attack Norakistan immediately, before he destroys the world. God said that Dr. Bad is so bad that he can't be trusted to disarm, and that no matter what we inspect he is hiding something.

If God himself said so, my fellow Americans, it must be true.

Now we must all hold hands - you at home can hold hands anyway - and bow your heads while I give this prayer for victory :

Dear God, please give us the strength to separate good from evil

And to smite the evil Dr. Bad with your mighty scepter

Give us the power to defeat his minions of evil

Just as they would wish to do us harm

And God, please give us the wisdom

To administer the country once we have defeated Dr. Bad

And the wisdom to know what to do with the oil bonanza

As well as the profits coming from all the war contracts

Amen !

Lights darken, several minutes pass in darkness, then lights come back on. Two newscasters are seated at a desk, facing the audience. Newscasters are speaking just as if they were on TV.

Bob Reporter - This is Bob Reporter and you're watching KGOD news.

Joan Newscaster - And this is Joan Newscaster. This just in - the Badministration reports new evidence of Dr. Bad obtaining Mellowcake. Mellowcake is a key element for producing highly-enriched Absurdium, which can then be used to make the dreaded Weapons of Mass Construction. We have with us in the studio Arnold Armtwister, president of the National Amalgamation of Real Estate to update us on the possible effects of this development, and how it might affect the real estate industry.

Arnold Arm twister : Thanks for having me Joan. Mellowcake is indeed a key ingredient to produce Absurdium, key element in producing WMC. There are a number of ramifications of WMC - first, they produce housing without going through the normal channels of developer, real estate salesperson, etc. This of course creates unemployment and a loss of sales price for homeowners, since supply increases. The real estate industry sees this as a very negative development, threatening our very way of life.

Bob Reporter - If I understand you correctly, you're saying that housing just appears after the WMC are used ?

Arnold Arm twister : Yes Bob, it's true. But Absurdium can do even more - some Absurdium based weapons are configured to create food for the poor, mass transit, liveable cities, and cures for diseases. One type of Absurdium-based weapon even destroyed entire weapons systems in a top-secret test . So as you can see it threatens our way of life and the entire capitalist free-market freedom loving democratic system of liberty and justice for all Amen.

Joan Newscaster : Thank you Arnold. In other news the Badministration stated that .

Lights go dim

Scene 4 -----------------

Narration -

And so Norakistan was attacked in the usual way - insinuations were made, lies told, what little truth there was had to be stretched so thin that it was completely transparent. The Air Force bombed yet another country back into the stone age, preparing the way for Steve Soldier, the WE Army of One. Steve Soldier had many tasks that would keep him busy for many years - peacekeeping, rebuilding, security, guarding oil pipelines, overseeing the puppet government, building a permanent base so that he would have a place to stay until Chairman Bodybag decided he was finished. But Steve Soldier, Army of One, knew it was a very tall order

Steve Soldier : General Chaos, I'm having quite a bit of trouble with those wily insurgents. I had to take a few of them off and torture them, to get some information and to keep them in line. We didn't cover torture in basic training, so it is OK, isn't it ?

General Chaos : More and more democracy every day, that's what you say, well, bully, I say we're doing a bang-up job over there.

Steve Soldier : But I have to tell you that the insurgents are blowing everything up, bombs every day, security doesn't exist except on my base, and even there it isn't good. I train police and army, but they get killed faster than I can train new ones. Oh, by the way, I'm up for leave here pretty soon, so tell Chairman Bodybag that he'll have to send my replacement over from WE.

General Chaos : Brilliant, I say it's quite a feat that you've defeated all those insurgents, rebuilt the country, and spread democracy to Norakistan all by yourself. The President and the WE people can't thank you enough, Army of One. You'll be up for a big medal when you get home, and maybe even a ribbon.

Steve Soldier : General, you don't seem to understand me. I'm up for leave soon - I haven't seen my wife and kids in over a year, and I was told that I would only be here a few months. The country is getting worse and worse every day, it's a wonder I haven't been killed yet. I have to have a replacement soon or I'll probably crack up.

General Chaos : Well done my boy ! Your country appreciates every ounce of your sacrifice ! You've spread democracy and love and market economics to Norakistan all by yourself. Security is getting better and better there everyday, in every way, all the time, Amen !

Army of One (sung by Steve Soldier - who dances around with his M-16 while singing)

I'm an Army of One, a fighting Machine, a man not afraid if he dies

I signed up for war, and a whole lot more, but the General's dumb as can be

So ..

Look on the bright side, the sunny-side light side

War's not as bad as they say

You pull on your trigger

You shoot a sand-nigger

They're all up in heaven hey hey !

You send them to Allah, they all love that Allah

Do them a favor I say

So pull on that trigger

And shoot a sand-nigger

And send them to heaven today !

Their God isn't mine, and that isn't fine, who is this Allah of theirs ?

Their God can't be great, it just makes me irate, my God is greater than theirs !

Look on the bright side, the sunny-side light side

War's not as bad as they say

You pull on your trigger

You shoot a sand-nigger

You send them to Allah that way !

Scene 5 ------------

Meeting in the Awful Office, with PK, Bart Bigbucks of Great Big War Industries (GBWI) and Otis Oilpumper of World Oil, as well as the National Insecurity Advisor, Condiment Spice, and Cyrus Stickyfingers, who shows up toward the end of the meeting, as well as General Fuddle.

Condiment Spice : Mr. President, things are going remarkably well in Norakistan. We've handed over sovereignty, and the people are 100% USDA certified sovereign now - except for our 15 or 20 bases, continual patrols, curfews, martial law, bombing, puppet government and so on. But apart from that and the fact that we're basically holed up in our bunkers most of the time and completely isolated from the people, most of whom hate our guts, it's going extremely well.

PK : Excellent, Condiment. I applaud your efforts to keep us more and more secure and safe and confident and free and democratic forever and forever everywhere all the time Amen. Now that things are so good in Norakistan, I would like to discuss the future of the country, and how we can spread even more democracy and market economics there.

Bart Big bucks : Mr. President, we need to discuss the privatization plan for Norakistan. I've spoken with Otis here, and we've decided that Norakistan will be converted to a corporation, and we will issue shares of stock to those of us deserving enough of that great and solemn responsibility for the future of those child-like and savage people in possession of so much oil.

Otis Oilpumper : Yes Mr.President we've decided that running a country like Norakistan in it's present form would be too unwieldy, but as a corporation it would be much easier to manage. If we have trouble with any regions or cities, we'll just spin that part of the country off in another public offering. To make it work we'll also issue shares to the people of Norakistan, which we will then offer to purchase back from them. Since they're mostly starving and broke, especially if we starve them for a few months before we issue the shares, we can buy back the shares for a very small sum, and then everything looks all legal. And if they don't sell their shares, we'll just issue ourselves enough shares so that we can always outvote them.

PK : An excellent idea ! That's even better than the schemes I thought up in my insider-trading days! You boys would make Ben Gay of Shell Game Energy proud ! Too bad he can't be here to participate, what with his trial and all that.

Bart Big bucks : We'll get Allen Flimflam to issue some Liberty and Freedom bonds, which we can then sell to those savers in Asia. Then we tell the people of Norakistan that we'll use that money to buy their stock - and then we crash the stock, buy it for peanuts, and keep the money from the Liberty and Freedom bonds ! Is that brilliant or what !

PK : Bart, that's really brilliant !! I think you have a real future in government. I'm sure there's a place for you in my next administration !

Cyrus Sticky fingers : Did you make sure to put in a big contract for WarDaddy Industries ? We have to make sure they have a big part of anything that comes up.

Bart Big bucks : Of course, Cyrus, we wouldn't leave you out of our little scheme ! We'll take some of the money from the newly privatized oil and use it for more contracts for Great Big War Industries and WarDaddy Industries - everybody wins ! Except of course the people of WE and the people of Norakistan.

General Fuddle : I hate to rain on your parade, but Norakistan is becoming a quagmire. The Wemerican people are turning against the war, especially the images on TV. It seems to be turning into another Weetnam - a war without purpose or end, with no objectives, no coherence, and no possibility of winning.

Cyrus Sticky fingers : If the people are upset by TV, no problem ! We'll just censor anything. From here on out no reporters ! And the few who sneak through, well, a moving target is the best practice of all !

Song - Money Will Make It Alright (duet- with Bart Bigbucks and Cyrus Stickyfingers)

I got up today, a wonderful day

I made just a billion or so

I bought me a country, for such a good deal

For that price I think I'll take two !

Money, money will make it alright,

money, money it's so out of sight

When things go to shit, you don't have a fit

If you've got a billion or two

I went out to shop for a car

But got me a country instead !

It's much cheaper I said, don't be dumb in the head

Just one country would not ever do !

Money, money will make it alright

Money, money it's so out of sight

When things go to shit, you don't have a fit

If you've got a billion or two


Scene is set in the office of Great Big Industries. Dave Monocrat is seated at a desk, working at a computer terminal. Dave is in lower management for Great Big Industries, hiring and firing and supervising a small department within the accounting department.

Dave Monocrat : Alice, could you check on those papers for the file for those engine parts ? The parts are late, I just wanted to check on the payment arrangements, what penalties were stipulated in the contract.

Alice : I'll pull up the file and get the figures. (Alice exists stage. Dave Monocrat goes on working at his computer terminal. Alice returns to stage in a minute or so, hands papers to Dave.)

Dave Monocrat (looking through papers) : Ah, here it is. Hmm. It says in the contract that if the supplier is one day late, we don't have to pay. Well, that seems a little harsh but a contract is a contract. Alice, could you get me that supplier on the phone ?

Alice : Yes Mr. Monocrat.

Dave Monocrat : Hello, is this Bob Supplier ? This is Dave at Great Big Industries. I'm sorry to bother you, but you see your parts are late, and we have to have them right away. The contract stipulates that we don't have to pay if they're late, and I just wanted to warn you before the higher ups nail you to the wall. If you can get them here this week I'll be sure the paperwork is dated so you're not penalized.

Bob Supplier : I've been late before and they never threatened to not pay.

Dave Monocrat : Things have changed around here. We've got a new CEO and he's using any excuse he can to ship our parts contracts to Outsourcistan. We've already lost quite a few local suppliers. We've been dealing with you for dogs years, I wouldn't want them to change, but it's out of my hands - I'm just the clerk.

Bob Supplier : Well thanks for warning me. I'm squeezed so hard these days I don't know what I'd do if I lost the Great Big Industries contract.


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