0 to wonderful
My journey started the year of 2010. Life was cautious and chaotic. My husband and I were in love ,we had been married eleven years . I had my kids in my life and my family was there to. I had a big secret and There were some conflicts in my life beyond my control . At this time I wasn't working because I was let go from my job due to Management change. I was struggling with an knee injury that was caused from getting off my husbands motorcycle the wrong way and my step children had lost there mother and I was in full blown opiate addiction."Yes addiction". To all it was a secret no one knew about the hidden debt , and they did know I was taking pills for pain, but not realizing how much. I was prescribed Tramodol that a doctor had given me for pain and " yes" I was helping my self to hydrocodone pills that I stole or that were given to me.
November 7, 2011 I had woke up that day and felt no remorse anymore, the debtors were becoming frustrating , because at that time I had so much debt . I was no where near being able to pay them back thirty grand in debt to be exact.
My husband had no idea, and he didn't know about the credit card I had in his name. I had almost cleaned out the savings account and used his debit card to access cash . The secrets became a ball and chain that I couldn't bear to carry anymore.
It was a Thursday the day was cold the leaves on the tress were no longer there and the ground was cold. I was not feeling well that day, as if I separated my self from reality.
I got in my car and drove across town to my friends house, knowing she would be gone that day. I got out of my car and grabbed my screwdriver and walked up the cement steps in broad day light and with a couple jabs with the screwdriver the door came open. I was in. I stepped in looked around and knew where she had kept the pills I so became addicted to. I grabbed the bottle took half, and left.
My day was normal I thought. Then my friend had reported that someone had broken in. I was contacted by her and police and they integrated me. I of course lied my way out. Didn't work. The police keep on calling me in to integrate me till I broke. Sunday came around normal in some instances. My husband and I had went on our normal routine. We had made love that night. "Knock" on the door police, two cop cars. They were going to arrest me for stealing the pills and breaking in. I was handcuffed and escorted to jail that was the last day of my popping opiates, I justified the Tramodol because it was still being prescribed and not considered strong enough on the pill scheduled as an "opiate".
Stunned family members of course,and I was numb. I was booked and of course with my addict thinking I grabbed my purse , not thinking I had all the others pills in there that I did not have a prescription for and I was put into a holding cell. My husband had no idea and my family was calling the jail to figure out what was going on. I had eleven counts of possession,and a Burgerly charge considered a class D felony hanging over my head. I spent the night in the cold cell and twenty four hours later I stood in front of the monitor in the room to be released on my own, since I had no previous history.
I had walked home in the cold that night to run from my family because of the embarrassment I had caused. I came home my things were scattered and my family was devastated. I walked across town with the sweat pants and sweatshirt I was arrested in and checked my self into the hotel with all the cash I had in my pocket. My pocket was full of my prescribed Tramodol . My step Daughter had tried talking to me and I was crying and ashamed. My mom found me and ended up coming to the hotel. She was trying to talk me in to seeing my husband, I couldn't face him. My husband eventually showed up. I never in eleven years of marriage seen him cry. My husband broke down and sobbed with tears flowing down his cheeks and asked why I had did these things, I had no answer. My daughter had asked me the same question, why mom , why did you do it?
The night progressed and we talked, and laid down on the hotel bed and went to sleep. The next morning my sister had came into town and was staying at our place. I came home and I had to report to court services, department of corrections. I given instruction about pre trial rules. Ok great and I was also ordered to attend therapy .
November progressed and I attended my first therapy session. She had told me not to take the Tramodol. I continued to take them daily . For a few weeks I went on with the same behaviors still lying and deceiving my self and my family.
December 3, 2010 was a significant day because, I had taken money from my husband and tried to throw the blame on my daughter. I remember I couldn't face him because he knew the truth. I got in car and left, and he convinced me to come home I was messed up and confused . I spent time downstairs avoiding my husband, and the tension could be cut with a knife. As he was coming down to talk to me I held my head down and don't remember a thing, next thing I knew I was awaken by my husband kissing me . I was In the ER I apparently had a seizure. I was transported out of town and spent the night in the hospital for observation , it turned out they couldn't find an exact cause. It was Probably from all the pills I took.
New Year's Eve weekend I Had ordered Tramodol on line figuring out that was one of the easiest things to get as long as they got there money I got the pills . I was taking so much, I ran out all the time and my addiction was beating me . I was taking ten-fifteen pills a day and praying and hoping I would wake up the next day. There were days I wasn't even sure how much I had taken.
My step son was around that weekend and after my delivery that day I took the package and hid it behind the shed as I often did previously. My husband had came home for lunch so I didn't want him to know after he went back to work my step son had seen me go get the package and told my husband that he thought things were not right. My husband came home fuming you could see the smoke coming out of his ears literally. He said we need to talk. I was confronted,and of coursed I lied and say " no non there not mine!, " My daughter and husband, and I were fighting over the package. Eventually I let go and the pills were taken away. At that point I was sinking and sinking fast. I had gotten so upset I turned around ordered more pills and them delivered to another address with an alias of course.
As the Weekend progressed the tension was in the air,and I progressed into an depression like no other. Monday came around and I had gotten a call that my probation wanted to see me. My husband went with me and as I entered the office I was confronted with the pills and a police officer. I was handcuffed and escorted to jail. I was booked again and this time I was spending thirty days for violation.
The first few days were hell. I was confronted with the pills once again I had ordered just a day or two before I denied them all the way as I often lied previously. My neighbor had turned them in to the police. "Wow" I'm know facing more charges. I was so selfish and confused and embarrassed .
The letters came in from my family and received kind words from all. The first few times I got visitors I couldn't talk, all I could do is cry. I once curled up in a ball on the floor and sobbed like a baby. One letter took me by surprise. As I was reading the kind hearted words the tears flowed it said " Be a legacy for all" after that I decided I needed to make a change or I was doomed for disappointment. I wrote letters to my husband as well. Every time he came to see me I begged for forgiveness, and the chance to make it right. Promises were not going to be enough at that point I had to show them I had changed, I realized I had lied and deceived so many times before that it was going to take a lot of time and time is all I had.
There was a bible in the cell God was in my life previously but I had ignored him so many times before. I decided too read verses to help me threw. I was so devastated that at one point and was desperate for guidance . I looked down at my cot and seen the bed sheet I twisted it and had considered hanging my self with the bed sheet. After that I realized I was a coward and how would my family except that from me? I often asked my self.
Something came over me, I got on my knees and cried out load and from that point I repented with the fear and the unknown ahead of me. The days passed and my paster came twice a week and my husband and daughter came to see me when they could, each time I cried so much I would say or do anything to get out of here.
Ladies from local churches came to "Preach the word of forgiveness every Tuesday morning" I would sit for and hour and cry my little eyes out missing my family and feeling guilty for what I have done .
Right before I was released something came over me , I didn't want the pills, I wanted my life and my family. During my stay I was introduced to "Narcotics Anonymous" . The ladies would come on Sunday evenings, I would do anything to get out of my cell . I would listen and talk and cry. I was so broken. After four weeks I promised my self I would go to a meeting when I was released.
First steps are like baby steps. I had to think and and act as a clear minded human being, whatever that was at the time, considering the legal consequences and my family. It was now my choice to make it or not. I was introduced to NA and revisited my faith again so I had the knowledge, I had the threat of going back to jail if I failed and I had the choice of rebuilding my life if I wanted to.
While I was incarcerated the church we attended had suggested I meet with an lady a mentor. I had know idea what to expect" Would she like me" I asked my self or " Would she walk away from this mess".
My journey started as I started to journal my daily tasks day by day. The first month is always the hardest that's what I hear anyway. As I stayed clean I noticed the grass was greener , the sky was blue and the colors seemed to of stood out a lot sharper. I started volunteering at the animal shelter . I felt good after I went . I Spent the day with my husband and went to my third NA meeting, I didn't feel the best , but I felt better after I went to the meeting., but I didn't use.That seemed to be my motto.
Feb 12, 2011 is significant in my story because I spent my first day home. My husband had taken some time off work to be with me. I was finally alone my husband worked 1/2 day today. I cleaned my house and I felt weak and defeated . I ended going to the store though, and after that my husband and I built a snowman " crazy uh" the snows melting so it was a good time to have some fun right ? We ended going to the movies felt good to get out and back to normal.
I went to church today for the first time in a month.. I started to feel guilty for what I have done. I cried a lot . My mom and dad came up to see me it was ok. I ended up spending the rest of my day with my husband. My daughter had to work today so we just relaxed.
As the night progressed into day , it was Valentine's Day. I woke up feeling good. Spent the day with my daughter we went shopping and we came home home and I made an wonderful chicken dinner. I spent Valentine's Day with my family, had an romantic night , but to mention I attended an na meeting earlier that day. My mentor and I met today she gonna help me with my guilt.
February 15, 2011 is my daughters birthday. She's twenty today. She's a young women now. I also volunteered at the shelter today felt great, I love helping the little ones that can't talk. Made the cake for my daughters birthday I messed up a little but " oh well". My husband had taken time off to be with me and each day he had posted the word" pray" on my dresser mirror to remind me when the hours seem tough just remember the lord is always with you.
I volunteered again at the animal shelter that week and continued journaling my days. It was warm 68 degrees . I ended going for a walk felt good to clear my head. I seen my mentor to day I do feel as if I can now beat this addiction ( I can do it).
February 19,2011, was a special day I remember the NA dance was tonight. I enjoyed my self and I was touched to see all the recovering addicts like me have fun. I slow danced with the love of my life tonight. While we were close he told me he has always loved me, even when he was drinking .
. We had went to church today and the sermon was for me.made me think about forgiveness and sin. I'm worried about tomorrow, I hope the judge is fair, I'm sorry for what I have done. Another day arrived and I met with my mentor and I upset about court concerning the last charge, It turned out I didn't have to go , I did meet with my attorney good news "no jail time". Just a fine.
As the days progressed the guilt came and went. Feb 25,2011 found out today I can't drive after all since the DOT suspended my license after all because of the seizure.
My emotions were still raw, they say in recovery we show emotion a lot because We stuffed them for so long. My husband had a hard time understanding that. The first months are always the hardest. I remember at times I would hurt so bad inside and wondered why the pills didn't kill me, I didn't want to continue feeling this pain anymore. I couldn't understand why I was still here. I often asked God , why didn't you just take me, Instead I'm here feeling all this pain.
I was at the animal shelter helping out and we had to put a puppy down i cried for hours . I put my hands on the little pup and sobbed like a baby, I came home and my husband couldn't understand why I was so extremely upset. It took a couple days to get over it.
Now it's been sixty days since I took my last pill. I was still going to my meetings and I was being supported by my sponsor. I walked to each meeting as if I had a mission. Four days a week I walked in the snow, rain and cold so I could unlock and welcome the new comer.
April 14 2011, 100 days clean . Life always throws hard balls and we just found out law has colon cancer. I hope I can stay strong for my husband he needs my support.
People always try to profit from others mistakes, well that happened to. Our neighbors house, someone had attempted to break in . The cops were called and of course they were waiting for me at the probation office. I was questioned and it proved" I did not do it.".Since, I lived next door I was apparently the target. It soon proved it self since someone tried to break in to our shed at the same time, the police finally backed off. Then an old friend heard of my mis fortunate and reported to the sheriffs office that at a previous party in 2010 we were attending, that I stole some items. Well , considering my husband was with me and seen what " I did not have" the accuser turned out to be friends with my friend who pressed charges. The sheriffs office spoke to my husband also and eventually believed our story it was never pursued any further.
I continued to be the talk of the town with the stares and gossip, I then continued to hold my head high. I worked on my guilt and confidence and my debts were forgiven.
It's almost six month, and I completed treatment, on to continuing care. I got a job waitressing at a local restaurant. Since I can't drive I have to walk.
My mother in law had surgery seven hour surgery. Found out her cancer had spread. We drove to The hospital to see her. I was feeling a sad,because it brought back feelings of losing my great grandfather. I miss him so much . He died from colon cancer. All we can do is pray that my mother in law gets threw this.
During this time it was rough didn't know if had any strength left any more , court keep on getting postponed and I was worried about sentencing. As the sentencing date kept nearing I grew more discouraged and depressed . Times have a tendency to show the worst in everyone, the " victim had called in a false police report, starting is on her property the same day I was in therapy. I was contacted by police , but had the proof I was no where near the residence. She never was penalized for that.
June 14, 2011 the day of reckoning. Five years probation and lost my drivers license for 180 days . The other eleven charges were dropped . My record was ruined I had a class D feloney and a reputation . My ex friend showed up not sure why, and she didn't say a word the glares were enough. My family was there speaking on my behalf, and I had a chance to speak to. I guess , I was still a little raw . The judge didn't give me the deferment I so deserved,since he said I wasn't remorseful enough to the victim. Maybe as I look back I should of said I was sorry. The shame was so bad, and I couldn't look her in the eye.
It's been six months I'm half way there. My mother in law came home for the hospital, and started treatment, And I enrolled in college. I decided to finish that AA degree is was so aching for. Life was looking up and boom it knocks you down again, I was accused of taking someone's pills again. I had to prove my innocence all over again. It turned out once again I was accused unjustly and the truth shall always prevail once again. I knew in my heart I didn't take them.The lies I told before cut deep , so having my family believe what was coming out of mouth , I had to keep doing right and the truth will come threw in action.
My step daughter got married and Life was finally starting to look up. That fall , I became a college student again.
January 3 2012, I celebrated my one year sobriety anniversary. The first year I worked on the twelve steps my inventory was done and I made most of my amends. I've been clean and sober for one year. The group gave me a coin . Wow I made it. They say the first year was the hardest. As.
Winter turned into spring and I was attending college and planning our renewal ceremony . My husband suggested we renew our wedding vows . He was originally going to surprise me but I wanted a ceremony. As the time grew closer to May I had planned a ceremony and tried to finish school. May 5 2012, were here finally standing among our friends and family. The ceremony was spiritual and warming. My husband and I had decided to intertwine the " gods. Knot" it was three cords of gold , white, and purple. The gold signified God, the white was the bride and the purple was the groom. As we stood there with the wind blowing and the sun just starting to come threw we were visited by a bright Ray of sun. God was present at that moment. That day was one of my best days. I got a hug from my step son he was happy to see that we worked on our marriage.
I did graduate college may 12, 2012 with my Associate of arts degree. I wore the cap and gown with the gold tassel and as I walked up to gladly receive my degree. I did shed a few tears, since I started out in stripes and ended up in a "cap and gown " .
My life seemed to come together I was still in therapy and my visits with probation seemed to get easier . My family was healing from the cautious I caused. As I progressed I started volunteering at my therapists office file preparation and other tasks. September 2012, I became a paid employee. My treatment ended at that point.and I was still attending meetings, but had to work to. Once again the seasons changed and I was reminded of what I had done. I asked for forgiveness and hoped that all will prevail. The seasons changing are so important, because each time it turned into fall I was reminded of that broken soul I once was.
The new year was fast approaching and I knew if I did good and stayed sober and payed my fines my probation would end soon.
March 2013 , I finally released from probation I cried and shared the joy with everyone. Now I have my freedom back , now it's up to me to stay on right track and be the best person I can be.
I did continue working and my spiritual and educational knowledge became stronger . As I grew stronger I decided to enroll in a university to obtain my bachelors degree. I was scared to death. That fall I started college all over again the instructors were tough and while I was working I worked hard completing my homework. I cried a few times and threw a few tantrums and almost gave up a few times to and my mothers in laws cancer was in remission also.
Towards the end I was taking two online classes and a face to face class just to finish . My health was starting to go down hill maybe from all the stress.
That winter My husband noticed a lump in my left breast. Scared wasn't the word I was stunned, "it can't be cancer" I asked my self. My husband of course was concerned so I finally made a doctors appt. and the doctor did a biopsy and drained the cyst, the tests came back benign . My stomach was giving me problems as well, I was losing weight and was frustrated . I scheduled an scope and found out I have ulcers. Maybe it was from all the pills I consumed who knows. At this point many may have just given up, not me the fighter I am. I prayed and gained more strength and continued going as a" mad women on a mission". This time in my life was rough for me and I often thought to my self why is this happening ? I asked my self. This part of my life it a test of strength or a set up for failure . I decided then I wasn't giving in to the temptation.
The twelve steps of NA ( Narcotics Anonymous) can be complicated if you don't work them right. Making amends is so very important. My dad and I were not talking . I held in all the grief that I had carried for so many years. Christmas that year came around and he came to see us. As normal he went on his way, wondering why I was so cold towards him.
New year and a new me. I thought I was done being tested. It was a Friday night and I Got a call from my dad he was in the emergency room . The same night I was gonna get that coin for three years of sobriety. I was devastated. Tears flowed, and I put my hands up and almost made the decision to take a drink.. I did not do that. God didn't get me this far to fail. Do I choose to go see my dad or go to the meeting. I decided then I needed to go see my dad. If I did not clear my mind with the guilt then I wouldn't of made my amends properly . My dad was admitted to ICU that night. Heart problems and high blood pressure. After a few days he got better. At that point, I decided to give up all the hate I had for him and decided to move on. That week I finally got my coin, my husband gave me his that he had gotten for his sobriety also. You see, the same night I arrested he decided to quit drinking. He has stayed sober to.
Chapter 4 a new year and new life
2014 was gonna be my best year ever. I decided to shine. My faith grew and so did my relationships. I gained respect from the community as I continued working and finishing my degree. My church accepted me and supported me. I dove into worshiping,with song and praise. Groups were planned and lessons were taught.Vacations were planned and family was close once again our faith was tested once more. My husband had an allergy reaction he ended up in the ER twice. The first time was really scary I stood out side in the dark frantic in the parking not knowing what to do, but after going to the doctor for follow ups he was given medication and that seems to control it.
May 2014 , I graduated with my BA degree. I wanted my family there to see me shine and once again I walked across the stage with my black gown and tassel smiling with pride. Work progressed as I gained two raises and more respect. I started working with other addicts trying to give them the knowledge I was taught. Meetings got less and less as I was no longer able to attend them, for ethical reasons. As I grew farther away from the group I dove into work and family.
The year has proved it self "I'm a star". But, once. Again I felt sick. Went back to the doctor they performed another scope and found a stomach polyp and new ulcers. At this point my life was so very blessed I knew I could get threw it sober, once again. Turned out no cancer the scare was debilitating, since they thought my pancreas was compromised with cancer. Great times were also had. My marriage is strong and my children respect me now. I am still employed as an addiction therapy assistant, and I'm the process of obtaining my CADC certification.
December we also found out we're gonna be grandparents, sometimes I have to pinch my self, because I never thought I would be here.
New Year's Eve is also a blessing having your love hold you in his arms and happy your still here is priceless. We still talk about it but it stings less now. Hope this is just more of " wonderful".