The Ark

by Alan A. Smartin Esq

An interesting extract from the Ellis Island Times New York! N/Y. (Last years post Christmas issue)



By. Alan A. Spanswick. Aged, nearly 76... Primary Occupation: - Archaeological archives historian / immigration officer. And when quiet which is now quite often, part time reporter

An exciting find!!!! And perhaps an original of its kind! As now being verified as a Greco-Roman or possibly Phoenician Grandfather clock! This unique and collectable timepiece discovered within a wooden case, featuring culturally both a Phallic style trunk and Temple hood!

The case also constructed in the same wood of what remains of Chuckles Ark, an unexpected find reclaimed almost intact from a sandbank just outside the entrance to New York Harbor. The vessel or wooden thing when raised, revealed not only The Clock in its original position in the captains cabin, but unlikely or not, the captains Head still flushing! This extraordinary find is at present installed temporarily in the boardroom of the New York Wood Exchange. With shares shortly to be offered before its intended auction, now that its authenticity established! So then surprisingly as with both the Sinquirer and Daily Grope in England still unwavering refusing categorically to print the story?

This mammoth historical find came about actually by accident, when a retired bond trader named Graham Chip Wally- Putts X1X, attempting to be the first person of American Wall Street descent to swim the Atlantic underwater from New York Harbor to Plymouth Rock England

In quickly then discovering the need to hold his breath for long periods and about to sink for the third time, Chip, sensibly thinking unlikely now achieving that goal, thought perhaps a photograph taken with his floatable camera would at least if found record his gallant effort. And naturally in somewhat sensitive of his legacy needing then to be something memorable! And ultimately preferable to the illegal waste discharged in large quantities into the harbour presently drifting past him on the outgoing tide! And with his only alternative available now a piece of wood jutting out of a sandbank with the word Ark on it, so hoping for a good image quickly took the photograph! It was moments later his garbled cries for help on his mobile phone also suffering from the waste, brought two major networks and newspapers including the Sinquirer then to his aid.

The rescue took longer than usual, due in part to his condition and trouble remembering clearly in just how to initiate a plausible contract. It was finally resolved with Fred Turner on humanitarian grounds plus being very wet; now overriding his seasick lawyers in outbidding the Sinquirer, by offering then an acceptable stage payment plan to the now completely numb Chip.

This did however compensate somewhat, the tragic loss of his older brother Randy Rip Wally- Putts XIII. Who only months earlier tragically disappeared on Everest! This after continuing in his attempt to climb it with one hand tied behind his back. And on this his third attempt only his cell phone found! Although it should be said in all fairness, both in only endeavouring to follow in their adopted father, Hisashi Lucky Haroldhito the first, footsteps! Who when arriving in America some years earlier, this rather small colourful short sighted innovative entrepreneur opened San Franciscos first, Do it yourself Acupuncture Centre!

It was then in a publicity stunt to promote the centre, he attempted the first unsuccessful bungee jump from the San Francisco Bridge. Sadly in being new at this, hed made three mistakes; the rope had far, far too much recoil; it wasnt secured strongly enough, and he couldnt swim! He was last seen heading skyward towards the Bay with his body being recovered some time later by fishermen approximately one mile out to sea. Assuming this roughly the point of impact, Im sure he would have been delighted to know however that a new sport was born, while not as yet in the Olympics but in a seaward direction his distance record still remains unbroken today. Ironically his inadvertent legacy of promoting this now popular sport stands him in historically better than promoting Do it Yourself Acupuncture Centres!

As with most having resulted, in closures due to a number of successful personal injury lawsuits!

With fewer odours coming from the Ark, work on investigation now began to reveal its innermost secrets. As with the captain then confirmed through the ships log tablets as a Julius Chuck Chuckle III. This a man apparently in preferring stone to scrolls as proving happier then with a chisel than a quill! It also became apparent on further deciphering of the tablets that Chuck, had been before his role as captain, a successful interior designer. And subsequently playing a large part not only in the original design of the Ark, but also in its interior! And especially in emphasising the successful colour combinations in housing the animals. Which according to the tablets although somewhat self praised, being described then as, Extremely pleasing to the eye!

The tablets also revealed that in the early days of the Arks construction, one of Chucks distant cousins a good natured man named Dave in disagreeing strongly with the boats design, consequently then went off to build his own Ark.His idea being a much larger boat whereby two of every species could be housed. The others thought the idea ridiculous, maintaining that the waste alone would sink it! While adding to the problem when by design Dave deciding that his Ark would be round? This unquestionably leaving in them having no idea of where then they were heading and just as important where theyd come from? And then to be quite honest, which of course Chuck always appeared to be, all apparently relieved then when Dave left, As housing his huge family alone with all of them being twins would undoubtedly have proved difficult. Although unfortunately even with this documented evidence, Daves Ark still yet to be found! But still the search is continuing. It was fortunately through Chucks chiselling however in a language still only partially deciphered, that the whole tragic tale of the voyage at this point in time mostly be told.

So when after sailing the Oceans of the world and back, using as a compass a one eyed albatross named One eye, and a short muscular sailor named Muscles, then found themselves close to exhaustion just outside New York Harbor. And now in a desperate state having lived on rabbit and beans for much of the last year attempted to land! It was then to their despair and then rage confirmed in Chucks chiselling in expletives still used by very angry people today, that their request was denied!!.

It is unclear as to the exact reason why, but two clues in Chucks chiselling probably provide the answer. The first was the smell, subsequently blamed then on both the beans and the animals and especially the rabbits, who had been going at it from the launch date and existed now in vast numbers. This despite one should add the occupants valiant efforts to eat as many as they could. The other was the Harbor Master, who was quite tall for a short person, and whose name it appears originally as a Kenneth Mongo Periwinkle. Although later it appears changed his name just before their arrival, too a Huey Flip Swastika, with his last name apparently adopted from an Indian design on a canoe.

At this time Chucks chiselling stops! But fortunately x-rays within the anchor chains, revealed some very twisted badly penned scrolls and a startling fact! That the Ark they implied been scuttled!!!! But as yet no evidence as both to the fate of the Panamanian crew or paying guests. The scrolls with difficulty when slowly unwound did reveal however more clues. It appears there was a dispute after a very dubious raffle, that only included proved unwisely the more intelligent animals! When should it prove necessary, the winners would then get a place on the vessels only life raft! This additional nautical floatable as having only recently been constructed from the skin of a dead elephant, that sadly died after eating too much rabbit! But when drawn a number of tickets it appeared had disappeared! With the losers claiming that the animals not included had eaten them. A second theory in being the rabbits, connecting it to the third theory that all the occupants to escape their smell went in for a swim at the same time. More theories and deciphering of the scrolls are to follow, including evidence suggesting some questionable sexual relationships, and a brief mention of a mutiny lead by a kangaroo named Gerald.

The clock case however it should be said still had that wonderful aroma of the sea about it! In being a natural combination of seaweed and sea stuff. The German made three half hours and 20 seconds movement, was made in part by Georing Blitzkrieg, and was to say at least unusual but in very little demand today. The dial inscribed G B Chuckle, suggests the palm trees in all four corners of the dial were Chucks idea, which will explain itself later. And meanwhile there now seems irrefutable evidence, that after floating to Scotland on either the skin of the dead elephant, or alternately a piece of wood, as proving then a floating tribute to the Arks previous buoyancy. Anyway whatever, Chuck eventually being washed ashore somewhere on the Scottish Coast! And with his guess,.. being close too Lock Ness! (Ancient unexplained although now not uncommon acceptable Scottish Rhyming!)

And with his skin now bleached almost white, he sensibly changed his name to Jock! While going on then to write Very Oldest Scottish Clockmakers by Jock Chuckle the first! This later accepted by the worlds horologists as the finest definitive account of Scottish Clock making by a bleached person. And in recognition of his adopted heritage, wore now a rather flamboyant tartan kilt decorated with palm trees with nuts!! Which interestingly enough offers a potential future clue there? And consequently revealed further with his controversial suggestion in his book on page 96 dealing with clock maintenance that those same movements guaranteed to run ultimately better now on coconut oil!

Goring and Blitzkrieg strongly disagreed with this advice, stating once again categorically, that their movements will run happily on regular clock oil for four half days and 30 seconds. And in addition with his suggestion recommending coconut oil, now responsible in causing their clocks failing duration, and ultimately their companys rapid demise into receivership!

Chuckle meanwhile never married! And so alone and disillusioned and becoming extremely agoraphobic, in as much as finding it difficult now moving comfortably from one room to another! While added to this, his life, kilt, and lawn now in tatters! Whereas in addition the front garden of his crofters cottage, nowadays inundated day and night with angry clock owners confused as to what time it was!! This causing him eventually although regrettably, in leaving the trade!!!

But in discovering the possible power of coconuts, turned instead to those rarer homeopathic remedies! It was not long before with a friend from Australia called Bruce; he opened a practice prescribing not unsurprisingly, compressed hair of coconuts, mixed with a tablespoon of ground coconut shell in fairly excessive quantities. This specifically for relief in ailments such as prolonged burping and flatulence! Possible side effects however included liver failure, kidney failure, and other less known failures. Plus in rare cases, heart attack, restless toes syndrome and quite often the runs! But whether it was his flamboyant style of dress with his new kilt now displaying especially in the front huge bunches of additional hairy coconuts, or possibly the attractive smell he gave off we shall never know. But in proving nevertheless.... a great financial success! (This encouraging more Scottish rhyming!) It was about this time flushed with success due in part to the occasional coconut cure; he began feeling very responsible for the part unsure he just might have played in scuttling the Ark.

So with Bruces affection and approval, he financed an expedition to recover it. In gathering then a young but possibly inexperienced crew while displaying once again his designer skills! As dressing them all in outfits similar to his own, but with theirs, less coconuts! A trend he would have been happy to know continued by some liberal seafaring folk to this day. After a rousing send-off from a well-wisher and his dog, he set sail in a ship called Jumbo, close to the spot where he had been washed ashore all those years ago. And pending any known dubious discovery of any other Arks, Chuckle then becoming a celebrated worldwide figure in unearthing sea wise an unmatched Arkhaeological find!!!

Following are just one of the comments from non ringed auction rooms: - Smotherbies / Crispies/ Bobhams: It would have been nice when eventually auctioned, that this clock be purchased by a direct descendant of Chuckle. And with his ancestry proved genuine, certainly be given preference then with the customary not practiced today, nod and a wink thus happily ending the bidding. But naturally only then after positive proof of funds been provided!

More important and certainly worth mentioning footnotes are!

      That all proceeds (excluding favourable expenses) will be donated to the research

                                          And hopefully cure of or not!

                      The compulsive flattery of total strangers Syndrome Inc.                                                                  

While some recommended reading on the subject includes:-

                 The story of Briar Rabbit in edible form by Gorden Pierre Ramsbottom

For Heavens sake how many Arks were there? by Pope Arbuthnot X1V1X11V1X

Boat building for Beginners by Davy J. Locker Jnr

Typed with great reluctance by my friends wife, (A victim of the above syndrome), whilst disassociating herself completely with historical evidence supplied by myself. And as an avid reader of the Sinquirer, and when holidaying in England the Daily Grope, objects most strongly to the slur against them. She does nevertheless wish everyone A nice super happy and wonderful, whilst healthy but carefree loving and touchy but not that close, day!!!

(Added research provided by our old historical person mentioned below)

Mobie Richard Whale Esq. or just Dick if you prefer!

Alias; A A. S


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