Whose Life Is It?

by Carol Weeden

Whose life is it?

Domestic Violence is a growing crime, which can effect almost anyone's lives. There are all types of Domestic Violence, Physical, Mental, Verbal abuse to name but a few. There is no pattern to suggest he/she might be an abuser. There is nothing to say that they are abusers. They are human just like you and I. The majority of abuse goes on behind closed doors. It is very hard to admit to anyone that you are being abused, some people never seem to be able to admit it. It is especially hard to admit it to family and friends. As often in these cases the abuser comes across as charming, loveable and friendly, amongst other things.

It does not matter what walk of life you come from; Domestic Violence is there, hiding its ugly head, just waiting to appear. It is when it does appear that the trouble starts. Any thing can start the abuser off, from something simple [e.g. dinner's not ready] to he/she has lost their job. There is no excuse for Domestic Violence, non at all. You do not ask for it, you certainly do not want it. But lo and behold, when the abuser makes up their minds, there is nothing or no one who will stop them. People suffering from Domestic Violence always seem to blame themselves for it, stating that it was my fault, I'm to blame, and I made them do it. But it is not your fault, no matter what you have done to get the abuse. From my experience, and I had been in that situation for thirty years, from one hour to the next you never know what would happen, or what mood they would be in.

At the start they're all nice, loving, all the things you're looking for in a person. But that soon changes, for she/he is in control. I believe that the mental abuse is the worst of all. It took me a long time to realise that this was wrong, and it should not be happening to me, you don't treat an animal like that so why was she/he treating me like that? The more you fight against them, the worse the situation gets. You lose all-purpose in life. In fact you don't have a life, you are their life, to rule and beat and do what they want to. You have no power, you've lost friends, family, because this is their doing, turning all against you. They undermine you in everything, they treat you like you're a child, they are not telling you how things are to be done, and they're correcting you in what you have done. You end up with no self-esteem, no confidence, a total physical wreck, you have no one to turn to, or so you think. Life is getting too much for you to bear any longer, depression sets in; you have thoughts of self-harming, even suicide. Any thing is better than living this life any longer. In your mind you want out, but something keeps you there, whether it be the children, or you are unsure that you will manage without them, no money, or no-where to go.

There is a point in your life when you get that feeling telling you enough is enough, and when you have this feeling, the time has come to make a change and do something about getting your life back. Its' your life not theirs. It is extremely hard to make that final decision, especially when all through those bad times, you are not allowed to think say or do anything, without their permission first, that they don't want you to do. But that feeling takes over and for once you are the boss, not them.

This is your first step to freedom, and your first step to having a life of peace and tranquillity, being your own boss.

A new life, its' like being born all over again. No one is saying that it is easy to start afresh, its' not it is a long hard road, but eventually the road opens up and its' journey gets easier, in the long run its' worth it especially for you and the children. It may take a long time to settle; you might even feel very nervous and insecure to start with, but with time that will fade. You now have dignity you can stand proud, you decide what you want to do and where to go no one else. After a while you regain the self-esteem and confidence that you once had, you might even decide to follow a career or even continue with higher education. You and your children make friends, you start to enjoy life, the children start to relax, and there's no more hiding, bad dreams start to fade away. But most of all you yourself have so many choices to make regarding your life and your family's lives. The world is your oyster so go live it to the fullest. I did after thirty years of Domestic Violence; I made that break, it was very hard, but I've done it, and six years done the road, I am a better person, I'm learning to live again, so make the break, and live for yourself and your family. And have a good life you deserve it.

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