Santa Takes a Ride......

by Stephen Anthony

Santa Takes a Ride

It was Christmas Eve and Little Susie couldnt sleep a wink. All she could think about was Santa Claus and when he would squeeze down the chimney and place her gifts under the tree. When the grandfather clock chimed twelve times, Little Susie climbed out of her bed and took a spot on the stairs where she hoped to watch the joyful event and not be discovered by Santa or her parents. Almost an hour passed and just when little Susie was about to give up and go back to bed she heard a faint, pounding sound coming from the window next to the downstairs dining room. Little Susie could barely contain her excitement as the window opened and Santa Claus slipped into the house.

            Santa! Little Susie gleefully chanted.

            Santa was startled by the greeting and stopped moving. When he looked around the room and saw the little girl, he smiled and placed his index finger over his lips and made a schussing sound. Hi little girl, he whispered. Please keep your voice down! We dont want to wake up your parents and ruin the surprise.

            Little Susie smiled, and nodded.

            Whats your name little girl?

            My name is Susie.

            Well Susie, be a good little girl and get Santa a beer from the refrigerator.

            OK, Santa.

            While Little Susie scurried off to the kitchen, Santa opened up his large burlap bag and filled it to the brim with silverware, a laptop computer, a few crystal figurines, two paintings off the wall, and just about everything else that wasnt nailed down including a gold Rolex watch that Susies dad had left on the coffee table.

            Little Susie returned to the front room with Santas cold beer and asked, Santa, why are you filling up your bag with my familys stuff?

            Ugh. Im just taking it home tonight to clean it. Yeah.to clean it.

            Where are my gifts? Little Susie asked.

            Theyre up in my sleigh. Im going to get them after I have that beer.

            Little Susie handed over the beer and watched Santa down it with three big gulps.

            Thanks Little Susie, Santa said as he tossed the empty beer can over his shoulder. Ill be right back.

             But before Santa could slip out the window, Little Susies dad walked into the room.

            What the hell is going on? he yelled at the top of his lungs. And who the hell are you?

            Startled, and scared out of his wits, Santa bolted for the open window but while attempting to make his escape he tripped over his own two feet and fell down causing most of the goods in the bag to spill out onto the carpet.

            Little Susies dad shouted, Alright asshole! Dont move! Im calling the cops!

            Santa didnt budge. He was out cold because he accidently hit his head on a brass, upright ashtray as he fell.

            When Little Susies mom entered the room to see what the commotion was about she couldnt believe her eyes, and fainted because of her uncontrollable fear of clowns. This whirlwind debacle scared poor Little Susie to death. She screamed at the top of her lungs and ran out the front door into the cold, snowy night. Luckily, Little Susie quickly returned to her home thanks to a police officer who happened to be patrolling the neighborhood. And as for Santa, he was handcuffed then beaten silly with a night stick by our friendly police officer, and carted off to jail where he spent Christmas Day fending off criminals who had a fetish for portly, jolly old men dressed in red costumes.

Merry Christmas

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