...Ever After?

by Jordan Wellnitz

Is it worth it?

Is my happiness really worth all of the suffering it seems to cause?

Dont get me wrong,

I wasnt miserable before.

Prior to now, I was content.

Content to keep my heart in its cage

And remain alone,

With my family and friends at my side.

But then I met someone who set me ablaze.

Feelings I didnt know I still possessed surfaced.

I felt truly happy again, not just content.

Was it foolish to think that my happiness

Would be shared by those I hold dearest?

I know I am at fault in this mess;

I throw myself too carelessly into things,

Paying no mind to my surroundings.

I swear I dont meant to,

And I swear Im working on it.

I am trying to show you,

Show everyone,

That I care,

Despite my careless, thoughtless behavior,

But it seems for every step forward,

I take five steps back.

As it stands now,

I am looking at losing those closest to me.

Iam nearly at the point of no return.

I am one incident away from throwing my happiness away,

To return to me contentedness.

Because,in my opinion,

Their happiness is more important.

This is how half of me feels.

 

The other half of me is a little less concerned.

Less concerned with how they feel,

And more concerned with why.

Dont understand me?

Why are they making my happiness such a bad thing?

Again, I know I am completely thoughtless in the beginning,

But it gets better.After a month,

Maybe two,

I return to my senses.

But I still need to ask,

Because it is still a mystery to me.

I love my friends and family.

I would go through hell for them,

No matter how they treated me.

So maybe that is why I cannot fathom

Threatening to cut someone out of your life

Because they dont follow all of your instructions.

What is the quality of friendship,

The quality of closeness,

When everything must be the way one person wants?

Where is the compromise,

The love,

In such a relationship?

Surely a good friend does not blindly agree with everything,

But, just as surely, a good friend wouldnt make someone

Feel so terrible for being happy.

 

These two halves are warring within me,

So much so that I forget to move,

To eat,

To sleep.

Do I care for my happiness more,

Even at the cost of my friends?

Or do I care more for theirs,

Possibly at the cost of mine?

Am I destined for a happily ever after?

Or am I destined for a contentedly ever after?

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