Jedward Swullen's Freshman Year at the New Moon of the Lunar Wizarding Academy Part 1

by Andrew Mayler

                                      Chapter 1 - A New Beginning

Date: Now

    Jedward felt his warm soft fur as he ran through the woods. You see, Jedward is not just and ordinary kid covered with hair, Jedward is a werewolf. But he is not just a werewolf, hes also a vampire, alien, and dragon. Before I can continue the story I have to talk about little Jedwards past.

Date: September 19,1777

     Jedwards real father was Andrew Swullen. He was a soldier in the American Revolution on the side of the Colonists. He was walking through Hempsteads Field on warm September Evening when a Vampire and a Werewolf jumped out of nowhere, attacked him ad left him for dead. Then, as if things couldnt get any worse, aliens abducted him and they filled him with life sustaining alien blood, thus making him an immortal Vampire Werewolf Alienthing. After returning to earth with no recollection of his abduction, he married his sweetheart Penny Culwan. During the night of passion they shared, Andrew had passed on his immortal vampire werewolf alien genes to his wife and those genes became apart of little Jedward.

     When he was conceived on the 25th of July 1778, he was a normal child. By 1878, his hundredth birthday, he still looked like a five year old kindergartener. Now almost 2015, he looks like a fifteen year-old teenager.

Date: Now

     Hello again Jedward were back where we left off. Now youre running for youre life now right?

Pretty Much

Dont talk back to the omniscient narrator, what is this Winnie the Pooh? GodWhere was I? Oh yes. Now Jedward needed to find a place to take refuge while he made his trek home. His instinct told him to dig into a hallow tree and sleep there. But as he ran through the gnarled and tangled branches of these godforsaken woods, he spotted an abandoned cabin. Normally people dont go into those kinds of places because of the fear of psycho killers. But Jedward ignored the thought and took refuge in the cabin. He kicked open the door and peered into the dank and musty interior of the cabin. It was dilapidated and covered in cobwebs. The furniture was worn out and there was hardly a speck of food in the whole cabin. Jedward didnt worry about the lack of food.

It was only for the night

He thought to himself. He changed from his werewolf form into his human form so as not arouse suspicion, but there was hardly anyone for miles around to feel suspicious of him. He knew the authorities would be onto him soon. He needed to fly the coop before they caught up to him. But then he heard something that made his bones cringe. In the distant hillside, the Michael Myers theme song began to play and the Jason Vorhees ch-ch-ch-ch noise began its haunting melody. Jedward hid under the itchy and dusty covers of the pee-stained mattress in the corner of the cabin. The blanket turned to dust just as the door fell off its hinges. What stood before Jedward was a heart-stopping sight. The two slasher kings were standing at his door. Jasons machete gleamed in the moonlight as warm blood dripped from its handle along the rusty blade. Michael clutched an abnormally large kitchen knife that no retail store in the country would actually sell.

Please dont kill me. I dont wanna die Jedward squealed pathetically.

. was what the killers replied with.

Please? Before you kill me. Dont sell my carcass to Canadian Bacon processors. Because Canadian Bacon is not real bacon. Said Jedward.

BACON BACON, CANADIAN BACON? yelled a voice from outside the cabin.

The killers turned around to see who dared to challenge them. Then Michael exploded into a mushy mass of nerve endings, gray matter and organs. Jason soon joined the ranks of his mutilated partner.

     Jedward look up and saw a burly gentleman wearing a top hat and holding a sawed off double barreled shot gun.

Oh, Im awfully sorry gentsI didnt know they wanted to taste some of my special pain cake. Oh look at all this blood and gore and everything. Said the gentlemen as he scraped gray matter off of his shoes.

Who are you? asked Jedwards

Oh, hello young man, my name is Magrid. What are you doing at New Moon? asked Magrid

New Moon? asked Jedward

New Moon of the Lunar Wizarding Academy. You stumbled onto our campus and youre in the cabin that our practicing slasher murderers use. I think I mightve murder two of our students so we need to dispose ofwhatevers left of them right now.

Character Bio Magrid Slivelbottom

     Magrid Slivelbottom was born in Canada. His place of birth is unknown. He was born in 1964 and grew up during the Cold War. Canada, believe it or not, was actually one of the biggest underground Soviet colonies in the world behind the United States. Magrid became a Canadian Communist Sleeper Agent. He was pumped with steroids, LSD and several different types of ham and manipulated to kill anyone he feels threatened by when his trigger world, Canadian Bacon is mentioned.



Hey, whats for breakfast?

Cafeteria Person

Canadian Bacon.


What!!! *Shoot man and he explodes into bits* Oh, Im awfully sorry old boy. Are you ok? Do you need an ice pack?

Once Magrid had unconsciously killed someone, he returns to his normal gentlemen-like self and apologizes for wounding them.

After the fall of Communism, the members of the Canadian Communist Alliance committed suicide and Magrid became a wandering laborer. He eventually met the headmaster of New Moon and he became the groundskeeper there. He now specialized in fantasy beings and carries a blunderbuss with him at all times.

Back to the Story

     Magrid began to shovel up the gray matter of the two students into a bucket and forced Jedward to help him.

You know, youre lucky, not a lot of students make it out of this part of the wing. Said Magrid as he placed an arm into a bucket.

Yes well, what exactly is New Moon? asked Jedward

Well, New Moon is basically a school for young ghouls, monsters, and mentally disturbed children who believe they have supernatural powers. They come here to become the best they can when it comes to their power and become people of their weird, weird worlds. Repied Magrid

Can I enroll? inquired Jedward. The thought of being in a mystical school like his beloved Parry Hotter was very alluring.

Well, you could easily enroll if you past the test. Answered Magrid.

Whats the test? asked Jedward

Well my dear boy, youll just have to wait. Said Magrid.

They carried several buckets filled with students remains back to Magrids cottage on the edge of the campus. They walked along the cobblestone path to his door. He unlocked it with a very odd type of key and it opened. Magrids cottage was a place to behold. It had mythical artifacts, potions, books of magic, and it even had a mini-fridge filled with Cherry Pepsi.

Now, Ill just feed these to Barcas and then well see the headmaster. Said Magrid

Whos Barcas? asked Jedward.

His question was soon answered when a giant dog, lizard thing emerged from a cage and let out a menacing growl.

Barcas old boy! I brought you home some nice nerve endings. You love nerve endings dont ya. Thats a good boy. Thats a good boy, Said Magrid as he scratched Barcass belly, alright now lets head out the headmasters waiting.

How does he know Im here? asked Jedward.

Hes the headmasterhe knows all. Replied Magrid.

Chapter 2 The Headmasters Office

     Now before we continue our story, heres a little history of New Moon. It was founded in 856 A.D by Angus Crumblewindow (still living) to train young men, women, and goblins to be the men, women, and social pariahs of this world. Crumblewindows small little schoolhouse soon evolved into one of the largest campuses that is not on any map. The wonderful thing about the school is that it is invisible to the rest of the world. Whoever desperately needs guidance and is without a way in life, they find themselves in New Moon. It doesnt matter what country theyre in, they will be at New Moon:

Chinese Boy1


Angus Crumblewindow

Look no further child, here is New Moon of the Lunar Wizarding Academy!

Russian Boy

??? ???????, ? ? ?????? ????? ???? ???? ? ???? ????

Angus Crumblewindow

Look no further child, here is New Moon of the Lunar Wizarding Academy

French Boy

Je suis triste et je dois trouver mon chemin dans ce monde

Angus Crumblewindow

Look no further child, here is New Moon of the Lunar Wizarding Academy

Icelandic Boy

Ég er dapur og g arf a finna lei mna essum heimi

Angus Crumblewindow

Look no further child, here is New Moon of the Lunar Wizarding Academy

1All of these children are currently at New Moon right now.

     Let us now return to the story. Jedward and the giant Magrid made their way through the campus to the main office. Jedward saw things he thought only existed in movies and Harry Potter (which is nothing like this storyat allokso no suing crap ok). He saw children casting spells on rats to make them dance, children having races on their mops, students studying how to create cataclysms to end the world, and students betting on goblin fights. The arrived at a very old building that was hardly distinguishable from the rest of the buildings on camps except for a sign that said Main Office with a subtitle that said, If you worked here youd be making money now. Magrid rang the buzzer and a very small leprechaun answered it.

What do ye want Magrid? inquired the Leprechaun.

I have a new student Colin and I need Crumblewindows approval so he can join our illustrious student body. Magrid immediately replied with great confidence.

I see. Well follow me laddie. You wait outside Magrid, I dont need yer killin in the office. We just finished cleaning the walls after the Christmas Eve Jamboree. Said Colin

I wasnt my fault, they were singing, Hey its that Bacon that Comes from the country above America on the radio, it was not my f-Very well, Ill be waiting for you outside. Said Magrid as he walked into the garden and placed his heavy body onto one of the benches were it promptly broke under his weight.

Jedward was led to an enormous door covered in designs and bejeweled with hundreds of different colored stonesmade of plastic. Colin knocked on the door and it promptly unlocked which signified that the headmaster was ready to receive him.

Now ye must show the headmaster extreme respect. Said Colin sternly.

Alright I got it. Replied Jedward.

For some reason Jedward wondered as to why he jumped into this opportunity so quickly. It was by chance that he had escaped from the kennel where his parents left him every time they left for vacation and then finding this awesome school and now immediately finding himself becoming a possible student here was just too fast for him to comprehend. Its been less than two chapters and his experiences are just beginning. (PLOT HOLE!!!!!)

I know its weird right. Said Jedward.

Who are ye talking too? asked Colin looking rather confused.

The narrator. Said Jedward

Oh, interesting. Well Youd better enter the headmasters office. Hes expecting you. Weirdo. Said Colin closing the door eerily.

Jedward finds himself in a room covered in wizard stuff. Theres a stuffed head of a flying mackerel jaguar on the wall, a pickled mushroom pixie on the mantle piece, and the skeleton of an octopus pterodactyl narwhal behind the headmasters desk. He sits silently staring at Jedward as he makes the lonely trek through his office of oddities.

Hello there, young person. How do you do. Said Angus Crumblewindow with a voice that sounded like a dying tarantula goat.

My name is- said Jedward, but he was cut off by Crumblewindow.

I know what your name is. You are Ashley Swindlemeyer and you are here about the sex-ed course arent you. Now the students you will be teaching have the largest amounts of testosterone in the world. So much that if you placed them in a vat of extra virgin olive oil it would just beolive oil. Began Angus but Jedward quickly corrected him.

Uh, Mr. Crumblewindow, Im not the sex-ed teacher Im supposed to be a new student here. Corrected Jedwrad.

Ohwell in that case youre in. said Crumblewindow

What? ButMagrid said theres supposed to be a test? replied Jedward rather confused at this awkward turn of events.

That was the test. You know most kids never make it past that and just become the new sex-ed teacher, it is actually our largest department in the school. But, surprisingly, it never turned in great results because the students complain that the teacher either dont know it or look as though they were twelve. Explained Crumblewindow.

Oh. So Im am I a student now? asked Jedward

Yes of course boy now go get your robe and well get you a room. Said Crumblewindow as he pushed Jedward along to the fitting room. There he was given a gown and sent off to the hall for house assignments.

                                                 Chapter 3

Better Dead then Red Part I

(This Chapter may seem irrelevant now but trust us, it will be important so dont skip it. Skip it and you die)

     Around the same time when Jedward was escaping from the kennel, something rather interesting was taking place at Vladimir Lenins Mausoleum in Moscow, Russia. As we all know, Lenin has been dead since 1924. But today was the day that all changed. It was a stormy day in Moscow. People were running across the square trying to reach cabs or their apartments. Lenins well-preserved body was resting in its usual place and there were several people observing it at the time IT happened. On a farm somewhere in Russia, farmer Viktor was tending his cows. It was rather off that hed be milking the cows during a storm like this, but his wife was having a fit over his constant drinking and he needed a reason to get out of the house.

     While he milked old Olga, he had made up his mind to kill his wife.

I think Ill kill me wife, said Viktor to himself.

No kidding, I just said that said the Narrator, thats me, in reply.

It was a rather grisly thing but he didnt want her constant clamoring and arguing anymore. He rummaged around in his Weapons used to kill wife when she becomes annoying and murder-worthy box. He grabbed a broken piece of a sewage pipe that he stole during a job replacing the old wooden pipes he installed during the 1940s. He kicked the barn door down, it fell off the hinges since it was so old, and he stormed his wifes house screaming things in Russian, mostly cursing her out, and something about sausage but he still stormed the house.

     Just as he was about to enter, a bolt of lightning struck Viktor and the metal rod served as a perfect conductor for the electricity to flow through. At the same time, a bolt of lightning struck the flagpole atop the Lenin Mausoleum. The lightning traveled down the wires lighting the building and they reached Lenins body. A spectator noticed his body convulsing, and his eyes beginning to open. Once the lightning stopped, Lenin, now very much alive, broke through his glass coffin and climbed out the same man he was when he died. Some spectators had witnessed this rebirth but were too petrified to do anything about it. Lenin walked across the street to a tavern, or whatever they call them in Russia, maybe they just call it a bar or something. Anyway, he kicked the door down and approached a few skinheads toasting vodka. They notice the founder of the Communist movement in Russia, but they do not believe it is him.

Lookink at dis communist idiot. He is thinkink he is Lenin. Joked one of the goons.

Lenin stands defiantly silent as he stares down these beings of lower intelligence who drunkenly stand before him.

My dear friends, I need your vehicles of transportation as I am on a mission and I cant waste my time standing here with you Hitler wannabes. Lenin remarks as he clenches his fists for the impending fight.

You socialist asshole, well put you in your place! yelled a second goon.

     The skinhead delinquents drew their weapons. They consisted mostly knives and one had a shotgun. Lenin sensing the fight minutes beforehand began his assault. He dispatched the first goon by blocking his forward stab and breaking his wrist into the wooden frame of a bar stool. The goon attempted a wild haymaker with his unbroken wrist but that was quickly countered with a stab of his own knife. Lenin then angrily shouted YOU ARE HUGE THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE FACISM, I RIP AND TEAR HUGE FACISTS. Lenin tossed him across the hall out the window onto the sidewalk. Lenins mantra was steady as he approached the others. One tried to stab him with quick and brutal jabs at his chest and abdomen. He managed to strike him in his stomach and he expected his opponent to fall dead bleeding profusely. But there was none of that from our dear Lenin, he speedily stood back up and punched his opponent in the ribcage shattering it with the force of a one hundred Communist revolutions. Then, grabbing his stunned opponent by his shirt collar, he chucked him across the room where he slammed into a wooden support beam seriously damaging his spine.

     Now youre probably asking yourself, why didnt he die and why didnt the goon with the shotgun kill him? Well Lenin has been dead for almost eighty years. He knows death and is unnerved by it. He is invincible as invincible as General Winter fighting the French. The lightning bolt that surged life back into his vengeful spirit powers him making him as fast and strong as Marx himself. Lenin makes his final assault on the shotgun-wielding skinhead. Lenin eyes his scared and cowardly opponent. He notices that he has just wet himself and he knows that the only thing he sees in his future is painhorrible screaming pain at the hands of a true professional revolutionary. Lenin takes one step, which is received with a welcoming round into his chest from the goon. Lenin stumbles a bit looks at his torn suit and the drops of embalming fluid dropping from his wound onto the splintering wood floor. He takes another step, another, another, another walking as calm as a true Russian war bear. All four of his steps are met with a shot from the skinheads shot gun. Lenin should be a dead man now, but he is unnerving, undeterred.

Why wont you die!? yells the skinhead as he attempts to fire again. He realizes his weapon is empty and he looks up at Lenin and awaits an explanation.

My dear fascist foolI only have one thing powering me in this worldone solitary motiveonereason to live. That reason is clearso clearthat even you should understand it.

WhatWhat is then? asked the skinhead rummaging around in his pocket for a bullet. He slowly backs away as Lenin approaches him menacingly.

THE REVOLUTION!! yelled Lenin as he frightens the skinhead beyond belief. The skinhead, petrified with fear, tumbles over a table and collapses into a pile of mush crying for Hitler and praying to Mussolini. Lenin, delighted at the goons predicament, laughs a glorious laugh that echoes throughout the entire bar and throughout the entire square.

     Looking into a mirror and straightening his tie, which is now a mass of ripped cloth, he exits the bar by ripping the door off of its hinges (It seems as though no doors in this story stay on their hinges). He grabs one of the motorcycles at the front and drives off into the nightbut he quickly falls of since he has never ridden one before. After killing the climatic chapter ending, he looks around to see if theres anything that seems normal to him. This whole landscape seems like an alien world to this artifact of history. He spots a carhes seen a few of them back in his day, he breaks the window, rips the person sitting in the drivers seat out of the car and speeds off into the night, drifting in between lanes, but still driving off into the night in a somewhat dramatic way.

Chapter 4 The Great Assigning

     Jedward joined the rest of the student body in the dining hall. All of the students were sitting on long wooden tables with names, inappropriate words, and naughty bits carved into the wood. All the students chatted amongst themselves and it made Jedward feel very lonely and out of place. He was just escaping the kennel and now he was at a magical wizarding school. This was forced upon him, he didnt want to be here. But the thrill of magic and impending battles with monsters was the only thing preventing him from wanting to leave. His thought process was cut off when a woman with a wizard hat appeared in a poof of smoke.

Hello, children, ghouls, and creatures from time dimensional vortex rips in the fabric of the universe and welcome to The New Moon of the Lunar Wizarding Academy. Here you will learn the finer side of your art and you will enhance it to become your own. Now Id like to introduce the founder of this school, please give a warm welcome to our very own Professor Angus Crumblewindow! Wooo!!! yells the woman with the hat. A collective number of claps follows as Angus Crumblewindow approaches the podium looking rather intoxicated as he a bottle of Betelgeuse rum in his hand. Jedward notices this and wonders why the master of all wizarding is taking to the bottle.

UhWelcome hicchildren to the hicschoolplace thingy thing. Alright nowburplets get on to the Great Assignmentyay! yells Professor Crumblewindow, which isnt really a yell, just a very monotonous moan meant to represent excitement.

Let us bring our the magical talking sequent pants. Professor Crumblewindow continues and gestures to some men standing in the back of the hall. They bring out a box with scores of rusty chains and key locks beeping whatevers inside the box from getting out. One of the guards pulls out a rusty metal and unlocks all of the locks on the box. Jedward, expecting some monstrous monstrosity, slowly inches lower and lower in his seat. He quickly inched back up, however, when he saw a pair of sequent pants jump out of the box and into the podium in front of Professor Crumblewindow.

Whats up ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on this pair of sequent pants. Now Ladies youll wanna get with these pants any day now dont ya. You guys ova der are proly jealous of my skill and my fabulousness. Well thats right you guys is all dirt for alls I know. You is pieces a lava buffalo dung and will always be dung, got dat! yelled the pants that obviously needed a good ironingand a toss in a bath of hydrochloric acid.

Alright Mr. Magical Sequent Pants, get ready because you have to assign the houses for this year. Its either Bunnygrad, Chinchillastrasse, SuperiorHousePlace, or This House Has No Name Because Its Not Good. First student isAny Pyro. Any Pyro please come up and be assigned your class. Said Professor Crumblewindow as he waits for Any Pyro, whose parents obviously didnt love her by giving her that name.

Do you mean Amy Piro? asked a girl in the front row.

Wait so your name isnt Any Pyro? Professor Crumblewindow inquired.

Uhno! Amy Piro snapped back.

Imposter, shes not Any Pyro, shes a spy! A Spy from Full Moon of the Celestial Sorcery School. Take her away for questioning! demanded Professor Crumblewindow.

Several buff guards grab Amy Piro and carried her to the underground dungeon for questioning. Seeing as that I am a lazy narrator and I do not want to go through every single students name well just fast forward to when Jedward is called up to be assigned his house.

     Now, as Jedward approached the podium he felt nervous, he certainly did not want to be in This House Has No Name Because Its No Good. Hed be happy with Chincillastrasse for all he cared.

Come up here kid and slip my find legs on. Said the sequent pants.

Jedward placed the pants over his jeans. The pants groaned in ecstasy a bit as Jedward pulled the pants higher up his legs.

Thats it boy, pull nice and hard-like. Said the pants seductively.

Finally Jedward got the pants on over his jeans and the pants began its prediction.

HmmI sense a power in this onea power unmatched by any other student that has put me on before. He isHe is the chosen one!

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