Moose and or Caribou

by Brian Garber

Moose and/or Caribou Hunting can be deadly to those who find it offensive

            This is a tale of three cities: one to the east, one to the west, and one to the northwest. The three cities have no names; however they have one thing in common with each other and that is they dont allow stray cats. The only way you can buy a cat in any of these towns is the Cat Liquidators. Until one July 23rd. Old Jack Bankerkoffenberg decided that stray cats should be allowed in his town which was located in the east. The mayor William Pisserfac, Jr. secretly thought it had the potential to be a good idea, but because the elections were so close he did not want such an important issue slip through the cracks of society. Especially since his opponent Big Tex Dogman was a very dangerous adversary.

Pisserfac, Jr. put the issue on the backburner and put his re-election campaign as his main goal, after a short time of deliberation. Both candidates were very convincing during their debate in front of maybe twelve people at best estimate, but as logic would dictate there can be only one mayor. One day later it was time for the citizens to vote. At the end of counting all five votes the candidates were tied! Two people voted for Pisserfac, Jr. and two for Big Tex Dogman, oh yeah and one idiot voted for Captain Wallace Bambioffenclub for mayor even though the legend had passed away several years ago.

Pisserfac, Jr. and Big Tex Dogman were forced to settle the election in the time-honored event of a sailboat race across the Indian Ocean. During their exciting race both boats caught fire, so it became a swim to the finish. Since Big Tex Dogman had a five-thousand pound belt buckle on he threw it on top of Pisserfac, Jr. and it immediately slowed him down. Big Tex Dogman won the race and became mayor. He promised the town that his first act as mayor would be to send out a search and kill team to find Old Jack Bankerkoffenberg who may or may not be keeping stray cats at his house.

Within minutes a team of experts searched his home and found no sign of Jack or the cats other than a couple of turds on the couch. So now Old Jack Bankerkoffenberg has become the number one fugitive in all of the cities that dont really have names! Little did the killing team know Jack was fifteen miles away on a bicycle with an ice chest full of stray cats. Suddenly the chain on the bike breaks in half and the bike hits a chain link fence in front of mound of burning tires. The ice chest flies fifty feet in the air and a good half dozen stray cats fly out, but dont worry these crafty animals all landed on their feet, except for the Sandy because she has only two front legs and a chariot device for the back two. Luckily the other five cats flipped her right side up so that she could drive away. Her fate was sealed when she was pulled over by a police officer of the law. He checked her license, registration, and phone records from 1995. After searching these items the police officer said it was time to go, and he handcuffed her front legs together and tied them to the bumper of the patrol car and drove her back to the station where she was thrown in jail for the next five to twenty-five years depending on behavior.

The other five stray cats got away but were never heard from again, so they are all presumed dead by the National Guard. Old Jack Bankerkoffenberg ended up suing the bike company and getting several million dollars which he used to pay for a lawyer to clear his stupid name. He now lives somewhere with somepeople that dont really matter.

The moral of this tale is dont ride bikes ever, and especially if you have an ice chest full of stray cats or other undomesticated creatures.

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