A new short story, called "Irreverance."
Warning: If you are serious about organized
religion, priests, angels, altar boys,
homosexuals, Islam, jihad, god or lucifer, you
probably will be offended by this and
shouldn't read it. Everyone else? Read on. :)
This was written as an amusement, not a
* * * * * *
"Any infernal spirit now must leave! In the
precious name of Jesus' blood I command you to
leave this family alone! I ask that wherever
this Holy Water touches no evil entity can
survive! I expose you O demon, and your hiding
place now! I command the Holy Angels now to
fill this place with heavenly light!" the
priest exclaimed, sloshing Holy Water all over
the basement cubby hole as the frightened
parents clutched each other and the psychic
intoned behind the priest. The "Haunted
Premises" host made sure to stay in front of
the camera making terrified faces and gasping.
Above, from the third sphere Asmodeus
stretched his wings and scratched his behind,
then rose slowly from the cloud he reclined
on. He was pretty scruffy for an angel, having
had his five o'clock shadow for at least a
millennium. He looked over at Azezal, who was
lying on his back with his crown pulled down
over his eyes. He was pretty scruffy, too.
They were bare-chested and girded in gold, as
well as dead out sexy as were all reputable
"Come on, Az. We're being summoned again. Duty
calls." Asmodeus said, picking up his scepter.
"Jesus Christ," Az muttered, pushing up the
crown and frowning at Asmodeus. "Why do we
even bother? At least tell me this, this
priest hasn't cornholed any altar boys has he?
I refuse to sully my wings on him if he has."
"No he hasn't. His tendencies lean only toward
consenting adult males," Asmodeus replied. "No
"Oh. All right, then," Az said, standing up,
shaking out his wings and doing a couple of
side bends to work the kinks out. He grabbed
his scepter as well.
Both angels leapt off the cloud and zoomed
toward earth and the "possessed" house.
"Asmodeus, there's no demon in that place," Az
said grumpily. "I'm getting tired of coming
down here using up my Heavenly Light supply
just so the church gets a huge donation. And
I'm really tired of that psychic and that
"Haunted Premises" guy. We're the ones who
should get paid for this."
"Well, we have to serve, Az. That's the way it
is," Asmodeus replied with a shrug of his
"No wonder Lucifer got so pissed off," Az
murmured under his breath.
"Getting pissed off is one thing, but trying
to form a union? A whole other story. Heaven
is a right-to-work state," Asmodeus answered
him, shaking his head a little.
The rooftop of the house was coming up fast,
and both Az and Asmodeus hovered in the air
for a moment. A little black and white dog
tied up in the yard looked up and barked at
them. Az frowned for a moment, and then
pointed his scepter at the dog. The rope
broke, and the stunned dog stood there a
moment, then ran, snuffling joyfully in the
neat flowerbed in front of the house before
starting to dig, flowers flying everywhere.
"Why do you always do that?" Asmodeus asked
him as Az smirked down at the dog.
"Because a dog shouldn't be tied up to a house
outside with no fun and no socialization,
that's why. Besides, the flowerbeds needed
aerating," he answered as the priest's
demanding voice howled up at them again.
"Come on. Father John is calling. Let's do
this," Asmodeus said with a grimace.
The two angels flew through the roof, through
the attic, the second floor, the first floor
and finally into the basement. They landed in
front of the gesticulating priest in full
garb, the uniformed host, the psychic in beads
and earth tones and the parents, still
clutching each other and probably silently
cursing the daylights out of their real estate
"Hail Mary, full of grace . . ." they chanted
Peals of devilish laughter filled the
basement, unheard by the humans but the two
angels spun to see several demons in absolute
stitches, lined up against the far basement
wall watching the show.
"Hey, we didn't divine you!" Az hissed,
starting to point his scepter at the giggling
One demon held out his claws in a "wait a
"Hold on, Gabriel, we're not possessing this
place. We just came up to watch these guys
fleece this couple," he said, a waft of
mirthful smoke puffing from his wide nostrils.
"The way things are, we don't even have to do
evil deeds anymore. These people put us to
shame. Even the priest doesn't believe what
"My name's not Gabriel. It's Azazel," Az said
with a hint of indignation. "Gabriel has a
"Potato . . . Potaaato," the demon said
dismissively before bursting out in new peals
of laughter as the group of humans formed a
"We have him on the run, he's in the midst of
us!" the priest cried, beating at the empty
space in the middle with his crucifix. "Join
me. Beat the demon out!" Everyone started
beating the air.
"Hey, I wouldn't mind if the wife beat me
off!" another demon chuckled and they all
burst into raucous laughter.
Az turned to Asmodeus.
"I don't know what's worse, this or an actual
"This is," Asmodeus answered, frowning at the
demons before turning to face the humans. "At
least we get to scorch their scaly asses when
it's a possession. Come on. Let's do it."
Both Az and Asmodeus pointed their scepters at
the basement cubby hole. A golden divine light
filled it, completely unseen by the humans,
who continued beating their imaginary demon.
"Hey, are you charged by the kilowatt for that
light?" a demon heckled.
"I hate this," Az said as the beautiful,
wasted glow dissipated. Now they had to wait
another half-hour before the sweating priest
dabbed his forehead with his vestiges and
pronounced the house cleansed. The excited
host told the cameraman to stop filming and
proclaimed it a spiritual victory. The family
thanked them profusely, the wife still
managing to look pretty doubtful. But the
house was cleansed, considering it had never
been possessed in the first place.
"Man, I love it," one demon said, wiping away
the tears. "Not only do they fleece these
people, charging them out the ying yang for
fake testing and trumped up costs, they make
these two bozos waste their time coming down
here just because a guy in a black robe with
serious belief issues calls them. Heaven is
one big comedy show. C'mon guys, let's go get
With that, the demons all puffed out, black
smoke and laughter swirling behind them.
A bit dejected, Asmodeus said, "Come on, Az.
Let's get back to the clouds."
The two unappreciated angels passed back
through the house and headed for the third
sphere. The dog barked a goodbye, completely
covered in dirt before racing after the
departing priest, host and psychic, making
them run for their cars.
"Good dog," Az breathed as Asmodeus frowned at
"Did you do that?" he asked his fellow angel.
"Make that dog go after those three?"
Az looked hurt.
"Of course not. Dogs are well known as being
great judges of character. Apparently, it's
true," he replied, trying not to smirk.
Asmodeus didn't say anything. Angels weren't
supposed to be able to lie, but you never knew
. . . especially with Az.
As they drew nearer their heavenly abode, Az
asked his partner,"Asmo, have you ever
considered taking up another cosmic gig?
Another heavenly plan?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Another plan . . . like Nirvana or maybe
Paradise?" he asked.
"No, because there's nothing to do in Nirvana.
It's worse than heaven. At least in Heaven we
get the occasional job. You don't do crap in
Nirvana. They aren't interested in earthly
life, so there's no reason to go down there,
and all they do is contemplate themselves,
which is the spiritual equivalent of sitting
around and jerking off. Now, Paradise is good
for a laugh. You find demons there all the
time," Asmodeus said.
"Really? You've been there?" Az asked
interested as they landed on their cloud.
"Yep. It's one of the biggest cosmic jokes
there is. Oh, it's a beautiful paradise all
right, and there are 72 virgins waiting for
each man who's done his jihad, but that's
where the good times end," Asmodeus said.
"I've seen it, and there's nothing good about
being overrun by 72 lustful women. At first
they're smothered and practically pulled
apart, then have to fuck until they're raw,
then start all over again . . . it's a full
time job, and if that's not bad enough, after
they're done, they no longer have 72 virgins
but 72 wives. That's where the afterlife gets
really bad. Unlike earth, they don't have any
other men around to control the women. There
is no Shariah law, because there's no one to
enforce it. Eventually, the afterlife turns
into the Islamic version of hell, with free
thinking women who pay the husband no mind.
There is no death, so he can't kill them and
keep them dead. When they return, they're
pissed off and he becomes the one killed over
and over. Jihad my ass. They'd do better to
"Wow, sounds like a set up Lucifer would come
up with," Az said admiringly.
"He's in the mix. Mohammed never should have
mentioned him," Asmodeus said, taking his
place on the cloud and tilting down his crown.
It would probably be a long time between