Desperate, Single, Witchez

by Marlena Martin

Desperate, Single, Witchez" by Marlena Martin

   My name is Indira and I was born a triplet. I have two other sisters that were born on the same date as me. No, we're not identical; in fact, we look nothing alike. To add insult to injury, if you saw the three of us walking down the street together, you'd swear my other two siblings were fashion models and I'd be as noticeable as a brick wall.

They say that when I was in my mothers' womb I was the greedy one and still to this day, nothings changed. I'm about as shapely as a lump of clay. People can be so cruel. Don't they know that I have feelings too. I guess that's why when we were growing up, I hated for people to know that I was a triplet. In high school a Jock once said to me, "Your sisters are so freaking hot, what in the world happened to you!"

To this day, I'm very shy and timid but I do open up and express my inner most thoughts in my journal.

     Now what the three of us actually have in common is that we're all left-handed and still live together and oh, there's that one other thing, we three are "Witchez." Yes, you heard right. We are triplet Witchez. Now, we didn't ask to be Witchez; it's in our family line.

Anansa, our matriarch from the late 1600's, was a mean (rhymes with "Itch"). She was cast out of her covenant due to some witch infighting and that's why we have a "Z" behind our name instead of an "S." We also have a temperamental black cat named Azzrielle. Azzrielle wears a cute diamond studded collar that I bought from WSHN (Witchez Shop at Home Network) they have the best accessories for today's modern black cat. Most people on our block stay out of Azzrielle's path but contrary to popular belief, a black cat is a sign of good luck. I'd rather have a black cat cross my path than a sociopath with a baseball bat.

     I tried very hard to come up with something nice to say about my (older by ten seconds) sister, Camellia. Most people have a 'forgive and forget' mentality but not her. Growing up, our mom used to say that Camellia's rage was like having a hand grenade in one hand, and a stick of dynamite in the other. She's the only person I've ever known to hold a grudge from infancy to adulthood. It's sad but to this day she still torments 'Betty Sue' for drinking her glue in kindergarten.

As of late she's been going through a, "I Hate Men" phase.

       Camellia's a successful shoe designer. Some big shot actress came to town one day and bought a pair of her shoes, we saw her on some award show and overnight Camellia became the next big thing. I even designed her website. Now before you think that she used her magical powers to make all this 'sudden fame' happen to her, think again. Under no circumstance are we allowed to do magic; besides -- we don't want anything if we have to cheat to get it and that's including men. Not only that, it's against the law.

     Yes, Witchez have Homeland Security. They keep track of our whereabouts, whose dealing with whom and those sorts of things. It's hard to believe but we've got radical witches, too. Thank goodness for those on the underground who are working hard at exposing those evil forces. Sometimes, I feel like screaming, "Hey Witch or Witchez, can't we all just get along!"

I'm not, "Pro" this or "Anti" that, I'll throw up a peace sign or participate in a non-violent Witch march before I whip out my magic wand.

   Now Camellia on the other hand has used magic and gotten us in a heap of trouble. I remember the time when she used to go around turning gay men -- straight. She said it was for the greater good of the female population but our Elders didn't see it that way. Yes, they do strip us of power and place us on punishment but the punishment usually suits the crime. I've heard of those that crossed the line and were banished for lifetimes. There's this terrible stigmatism attached to us. I can't speak for all Witches but I don't want to do harm to anyone and I don't worship false idols. Besides -- professing to a man that you're a witch is a sure fire way to end up alone ask any Hag. Talk about a quick way to run a guy off. Heck, even trolls aren't desperate these days, not with plastic surgery and extreme troll-overs.

     Just like our matriarch Anansa, Camellia is always in a mood that rhymes with "Itch." Men love her, they worship the ground her black stiletto's walk on. She's the type that'll flash a coy smile one minute and curse you out like a drill Sergeant the next.

She can be as calm as Dr. Jekyll when it comes to her shoe business but transforms into Mr. Hyde when it comes to love. Every guy I've ever seen her with has major flaws. If you resemble the Tasmanian devil, suffer from delusions, dementia, Bi-Polar or ADD, you definitely have a chance of winning Camellia's heart. I know it may sound strange but I guess she rationalizes that goons need love too. Let me tell you about her latest fatal boyfriend, Kenyatta.

      I'll never forget the night Camellia came home and told us, me & Zoey (our other sister) about him. I'll get to Zoey in a minute. It was after 1:00 am. Everyone was sound asleep. I was awakened by what sounded like a herd of wild elephants.

Azzrielle was pissed. Have you ever seen a black cat that hasn't gotten all his sleep? Believe me-- you don't. I swear that cat always has an attitude. There's two things you don't do when Azzrielle's around, first, never interrupt him when he's watching Spanish soap opera's and second, don't interrupt him when's stalking someone.

He knows that humans are big on superstition and he just preys on it. To a black cat, every day is Halloween. I swear, one of these days I'm going to come home and find an angry mob at our door. The other morning while drinking my cappuccino, I noticed Azzrielle basking in the morning sun. A car pulled up from who knows where, threw a beer bottle at him and sped off.

Of course, Azzrielle took off after the car. I was laughing so hard that the cappuccino started spewing out my nose. Suffice to say, Azzrielle has enemies but that's another story.

Camellia was talking so fast. "Slow down, Camellia!" I blurted out.

She got icy for a moment. If she's not the center of attention at that very moment, she'll try to exclude you from the conversation. She grabbed Zo by the arm and tried to lead her to towards her bedroom. Whenever she does me like this, it really hurts. I'm your sister too. It's moments like this that I hate being a triplet. One thing I can honestly say about Zo is that she's loyal. She doesn't turn her back anyone, unlike Camellia the two faced Bruce. Anywho, the news was hardly newsworthy. All she wanted to tell us was that she was in love with some stripper named Kenyatta and I still object over him being classified as a real stripper. The following night she dragged us out to see him. His routine was more of a male cheerleader than stripper. He even came roaring on stage with Toni Basil's hit song, "Hey Mickey". Never in my life have I ever seen a male stripper with a bullhorn, cheerleading skirt, and more eyeliner and mascara than Tammy Fay Slaymaker. The only thing he was missing was the ponytail. I'd rather have a dentist pull my teeth out without Novocain than to tell you this but I was actually jealous of Kenyatta's performance. Not only were his pom poms bigger than mine but he had one wicked split. In high school I secretly wanted to be a cheerleader and after I got plastered with a few drinks, I even jumped on stage when he needed volunteers for the cheerleading pyramid.

     Now one thing that I am certainly good at is observation. I noticed that this older type lady, I'd call her "Toothless Fanny" in possibly a stolen power scooter chair, kept showering overwhelming attention at Kenyatta the 'cheerleading piata.' Whenever he walked in her direction, she'd place a few dollars in his g-string or pinch his ass and faint like she was seconds away from falling off her power scooter. It was a toss up between who was the biggest ham or better yet, the best jive turkey. After his set Kenyatta came sashaying over towards us. He held out his hand as if we were his drones. I swear, he stared me down like I should bow and courtesy at his feet. Camellia was so in awe of him, you'd think that trumpets were about to sound and peasant girls would throw fresh petals at his feet. She barely spoke and seemed shy and demure. A strong stench of "gold digger" filled the air and of course, Toothless Fanny rolls up towards us in her power scooter.

Kenyatta bursts out and says, "Mom, I'd like to introduce you to my fiance, Camellia."

Zo's jaw drops, mine didn't. Camellia had only met this guy the night before and now they're engaged but not only that, am I the only one that seemed to notice that Snag-a-Tooth Fanny who was putting dollar bills in Kenyatta's g-string is his mother?

"Mom" I blurted out in my tipsy state. "Your son sure has huge pom poms!"

Camellia stared at me as if she'd make my head explode. It was kind of Carrie'ish. I swear from the look of it, you'd think I just poured a bucket of pig's blood on her. After all, she's my sister and I am concerned with her well being. BTW- Yes, someone did try to pour pigs blood on Camellia at our senior prom but I just don't have the time to tell you about that story.

Toothless Fanny began rubbing her hands together as if she'd just hit the jackpot on the black jack table.

"I hear you're a wealthy shoe designer." She asked.

Yes, I'm a shoe designer. Camellia replied.

"I really love those Red Alligator Boots you have in the window, if only I had a pair to wear to your wedding.

Before I had a second to blurt out, No, No and Pre-Nup. Camellia replied. "I'll send you over a pair tomorrow."

I didn't have to utter a word; Zo gently put her hand on my shoulder. Maybe Zo and I should have been twins. The boots in question were made from pure red alligator leather. Red alligator is very rare. We've got people on waiting lists for a pair an she just gives them to a scam artist she just met two minutes ago. Besides that the boots in question cost $900 a pair. I was envious and jealous at the same time. Camellia has never given me anything free. Oh, how could I forget, she did let me keep the shoe stocking once and she did give me a gift certificate on one of our birthdays for 2 percent off any pair of shoes in the store. How could you give your triplet sister only 2 percent off and a scam artist on a power scooter gets a free ride.

Zo and I were tight lipped and carefully concealed our feelings until we were outside. Once we were earshot from everyone Zoey let out a huge laugh. Ok, that was not the response I thought I was going to get from her.

"What's so funny" I said.

She gives me 5 percent off on shoes.

"You get five -- I only get two!"

Oops Zo said. Guess we better welcome the gold diggers to the family.

"Puleez," I said. "More like a gold, cash and shoe digger."

      Twenty-four hours later the red alligator boots were gone and Camellia and Kenyatta's love affair was kaput. Who would have guessed that Kenyatta couldn't remain faithful. Less than a day ago, they were pledging their undying love for each other and planning to sing a duet at their sappy wedding reception. Camellia hadn't went to the bathroom for two seconds when she returned and found Kenyatta giving lap dances to a waitress in exchange for a hot sauce packet at Taco Trail. Yes, there were a couple of dollars on the floor but hey, there's a time and place for lap dances and Taco Trail during the lunch hour isn't one of them.

Zo, the youngest of us three, was born almost a half an hour later. She has a free spirited attitude and a zest for life. Where I may see clouds and a storm brewing, Zo always spot a rainbow and sunshine. Zo's been with Fang for the past year. He truly loves her and I really admire their relationship. They're open and honest with their feelings. Zo has an amazing body; she walks around with short shirts, jeans and flip flops. Even when she was into her gothic phase, I still thought she looked cute with her black lipstick and dog collar. Fang, her boyfriend is exactly what you'd call an 'eccentric circus.' It's funny but all the weird people want to be considered normal and all the normal people want to be unusually weird. Fang spent over a thousand dollars to have fangs imbedded in his two side teeth. He actually wanted the vampire look. Since no reputable dentist would do it in the US, he flew to Tijuana and had it done at a Dentoo Parlor. What is a Dentoo Parlor, you ask? It's slang for a Dentist/Tattoo parlor. It's a place where you can get your teeth cleaned, a bean burrito and a tattoo done at the same time. I asked Zo how it felt kissing a guy with fangs and she says, "It's cool, I just can't stand when he tries to take a bite out of my neck."

I don't know if she's serious or not but whenever he comes over for a visit I always remind him, "Hey, keep your fangs off the couch."

He's a sweetheart and I'm happy he's with Zo. At least one of the triplets is in a healthy relationship.

As I stepped out the shower and was drying off in my bedroom this morning, I just happened to notice my shade up. No sooner than I went to close it that I saw my neighbor, Parker, peering in my window. A normal person's reaction would have been to be frightened or yank the blinds but I was extremely overjoyed. Hey I'm a desperate, single, witch. Wow, I've never felt like this before. This is exciting! I glanced at my vanity mirror and for once it didn't feel like the amusement park funhouse mirror. My mind was such a blur.

What should I do? Should I put on something more seductive? Should I open the towel! nah, this is my first peeping Tom, I don't want to run him off.

While I was pacing the room wandering what to do, a suggestion of a simple wave crossed my mind.

I walked towards the window ready to wave but he was gone. All kind of questions began scrambling in my brain.

Did I run him off? "Was he afraid, ashamed, nervous what?"

I've never really paid too much attention to Parker. I know he reads lots of books and basically keeps to himself. I once caught a whiff of him at Ms. Hong's yard sale. He smelled like baby shampoo but now I was eager to learn everything about him.

Before I even had time to let cupid go to work on my brain, Camellia burst into my room.

"Camellia! How about a knock first." I blurted out angrily.

I cannot believe this witch just interrupted my Parker fantasy.

Camellia had that look on her face that rhymes with 'Itch!'

"What's up?" I asked, still fuming.

I need your help.

"You need my help?" I did a double take to make sure she was talking to me.

Indira if you don't help me... "They" will come.

The moment she said "They" a nervous twinge began in my stomach.

You see, "They" is a bad word. It's the bad people that come like a thief in the night.

"They", took our mother away. No one is allowed to inquire about these types of things but I've been nosing around in the underground. Remember when I told you about our own Homeland Security, they are the goons of the 'Watchers' and they'll put a hurt on you that even a band-aid can't heal.

"What did you do?" I asked nervously.

He shouldn't have made a fool of me. I told him I wanted the red alligator boots.

-- And.

He laughed.

"Tell me, what did you do Camellia!"

He wouldn't give them back and then he started doing his cheerleading routine and so I thought of a way to recoup my money, I turned him into a pair. I turned Kenyatta into a purple alligator!

"Purple!"

Nobody laughs at me and gets away with it. If you really think about it, this is all your fault. Why did you let me get involved with a stripper? Why didn't you try to stop me!

"Oh -- so now it's my fault. You give me a cheap two percent discount but when you need me, you're all in my face."

Need you. Indira, I don't need you for anything. I'll take care of this myself and forget about the gracious discount I give you. From now on -- you'll pay full price!

Camellia stammers out the door, it magically slams behind her.

"Camellia, stop doing your magic!"

See, this is what I'm talking about. She turned this whole situation around and now it's my fault?

One minute I'm happy that I got a peeping Tom, the next, I gotta go out and find a purple gator.

Why couldn't she have turned him into a dinosaur or something easier to find.

     Zo is out having lunch with her boyfriend Fang when a cool breeze shoots past her. It causes goose bumps to form on her arm. Meanwhile, Blue, a friend of Fangs walks up. Zo can't help but look infatuated with him. The two gaze at one another as if time has stood still. He's very handsome with his electric brown eyes. He looks the same way towards Zo. Fang doesn't notice a thing; he's heavily engrossed in staring at his fangs through a butter knife's reflection. Both Zo and Blue try to conceal their feelings. Blue notices the goose bumps on Zo's arms and removes his jacket. He tenderly places it on her shoulders. His gesture is equal parts tender and erotic.

      After a long day of searching, Azzreille and I return home. Why, when I open the front door Camellia and Zo are wrapped up on the couch watching old horror movies and eating popcorn.

"Did you find him?" Camellia asks.

Nope, have you.

"Nah, I gave up and treated myself to a pedicure."

Camellia this is serious! You did this to him; you should be the one out looking for him.

Camellia grabs a handful of popcorn and shoves it in her mouth.

What are we going to do about the Elders? They'll be here, soon.

No they won't. Camellia quickly retorts.

What's going on? Zo asks, truly in the dark about the whole fiasco.

Camellia turned Kenyatta into a purple alligator.

What!

"He was begging for it." He flirted in front of me over a hot sauce packet.

Get out of here! Zoey says in silly way. She's got a good point Indira I would have done the same thing if it happened to me.

"Look, the Elders will be here soon and we know what they're capable of, besides -- alligator's get hungry, what if he eats a kid or something."

Right in the middle of me speaking, Zo burst out telling us some exciting news about a guy she met at lunch with Fang. It was as if our fate wasn't even an important topic worth discussing.

"I can't believe this!" I quickly yelled. "We might get annihilated off the planet with the Elders and all you two want to talk about is your horny witch life!"

     "You just don't get it Indira, you wouldn't understand." Camellia says in a frosty tone.

"Why wouldn't I Camellia, because I'm not as lively or skinny as you --is that it?

You know what, I've had enough of your patronizing. You both have treated me as the third wheel for far too long. "From now on be twins because this triplet is fleeing the coo coo's nest!"

Indira grabs her purse and slams the front door. She holds onto the doorknob for a second, opens it again and yells.

"And just so you both know-- I do understand. I have a peeping Tom!"

     That was the last time I saw my sisters. I remember going to this cheap little hotel and sitting in this small room. It was so quite, I'm used to having noise, I don't like this silence. This loneliness bothers me. I started craving the comforts of home and wondered how my sisters were doing without me.

What if 'They" came. I wanted to call them so badly but they weren't always nice to me and now I'm really beginning to miss that crazy cat.

I don't want to lose my sisters; we still don't know what happened to mom and they're all the family I have left. Here I am in this quiet room, this silence is driving me mad. I'd rather be tangled up in a straight jacket; at least I'd have something to do. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and then it dawned on me. My two sisters were busy living life and I was busy watching them live it instead of trying to live my own. Why should I complain about what they're doing with their lives? I rarely had friends and Zo has many. Camellia isn't the friendliest of people but people loved her energy and talent. I was eating my life away and wallowing in self-pity. I called myself ugly for so long that instead of me having self-respect, all I was really doing was disrespecting myself.

A light bulb then went off in my head. I'm time -- it' time I started creating my own future; it was time to begin my own destiny.

I wanted to return home but was so afraid. What if they laugh at me. What if they told me to go away. I don't know what to do. For once in my life, I actually missed being a triplet. At that very second, I heard a knock on the door. I swung it open and there they stood- my beautiful sisters. Did they hear my loneliness? Could they feel my tears? Maybe they felt like me, a puzzle with missing pieces.

     Camellia had tears in her eye and so did Zo. We didn't utter a word we just cried and hugged one another. They didn't need to say anything, just the gesture of them showing up was more than enough. Our crying turned to laughter when Azzreille strolled through the door and rubbed all three of us on the leg.

Camellia grabbed my hand and we left. The moment we took our first step outside raindrops started forming and then it turned into a full fledge storm. It was one of the worst storms that we've ever had. We vowed that no matter what happened, we wouldn't return home until the purple gator was safely transformed back into Kenyatta and as luck would have it we found him.

      What a wussy alligator. He was in a deserted amusement park eating an half opened can of pork and beans and desperately trying to stay away from large puddles of water. After Camellia returned him back to human form, we found out that Kenyatta couldn't swim and that's why he stayed as far away as he could away from water. We used our magic to cast a temporary amnesia spell on him.

We haven't heard from the Elders but we know they're coming. Whatever they dish out, we will handle together.

A week has gone by and Zo is still with Fang. I think she's playing 'tic- tac- toe' with love. She still spends plenty of time with Fang but she sure looks Blue to me. Camellia's latest boyfriend has a striking resemblance to Herman Munster. The first time she bought him home I couldn't help but look down at his feet; he's got to be a size 19. Maybe that's why she has that huge grin on her face all the time.

Azzrielle is still stalking everyone and engrossed in his Spanish soap operas.

Parker still ignores me, but he's coming around. How do I know?

Well I still leave my blinds up and like clockwork -- he's always watching.

THE END

Written by: Marlena C. Martin

For more info on Marlena, check out her website www.supernovafilms.com

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