Through It All

by Francisco Escandon

Most of my life, i feel like I'm always on the ground. As if every movement i make while i walk somehow i seem to float down in quick sand. And once I'm down it's always a fight for me to get back up. I don't like to smile much. I feel though it is something that is cleared as my weakness. However when i do smile, it feels like an upsetting victory to what my odds of an advantage against my opponent is-life. And what i have delt with. I wish i can understand how to understand how love works. It's always a pattern. I like her. I love her. I get hurt. And it repeats. it won't stop repeating. I want to give-up on it. Officially. Like i threw in the towel. Like i tap out when I'm put in a submission. My feelings towards life are dislikes an decently fair. Almost like a relationship. I dislike you. I hate your guts. But i think you're a sweetheart. And i like that you understand me. Which is weird because i think it's a connection, an what not. Life has threw me curve balls. I struck a lot. And i have hit some nice home runs. The ones i struck out-i have struck out with love. And struck out socially. I have gotten rejected, and i was once in a relationship that i almost could not get out....literally!. As for socially, i been bullied for several of years. I was bullied because of my weight, my height, a jacket that i would wear a leather jacket that other kids in school said that i looked chubby in, and last but not least i have been bullied because of my personality. Also some of my cousins picked on me too, for pretty much the same exact thing. because I am different from everyone else. But aren't we all?. That's why no one is equal, but we are all similar with similar interests. That's just who i am. Different. But like every one else, i am also talented. And unique. I was not like other kids. Everyone else would hang out with there friends. Talked about who liked who, an laughing. But as for me-I did,or do not many friends. I played basketball by myself. Sat at the lunch table with kids, who i tried to talk to but ignored me. They always called me names like: alien. Ugly. Short. Midget. Weirdo. They even called me a couple of colorful mean, messed up names. Before my mom passed away, when i used to work with her, doing office work the people there made fun of me as well. But she always told them "stop making fun of my son!. Be nice!." Even though it may not seem like it, i am afraid. I'm afraid that if i give someone my all- And if i do, i'll just fall short as i once did many of times. Kind of like trying to catch a football,but it slips though your hands. What i'm also afraid of is never accomplishing anything in life. And i am the one enjoying my victories. I have had several losses. And several wins. As many times as i been knocked down is the same time i have gotten back up. I may have lost sight of myself in regaurds to how happy i should be ,but I never lost sight of who I am. Throughout my life people have laughed at me. Judged me without getting to know me first. And still through still through all that an more here I am-growing strong an still standing. My smile and laughter is not all happiness. It sometimes shows in symbolism sadness an depression. I have always thought if i could be like other people and laugh with other people then they would see me for me, an accept me for who i am-instead of giving me looks an excluding me as if the attention i try to draw does not fit well in the deck of cards. As if I am not nothing but a anti-social parasite. Which I know is not true. I learned that as i get older-it doesn't matter what people think of me. The only opinion needed is what i think about myself. These last few years i have gone through hectic things. But what i couldn't imagine is going through a tragedy. 4 years ago, i lost my mom to cancer. Before she was deceased she told me this"francisco, i want you to graduate highschool. Then from there get your certification or degree in something you love to do as a career. i want you to be happy, an i'll always be proud of you no matter what. Go follow your heart. Chase your dreams,an once you have it, hold on to it an do not let go." After she passed away,i was a complete train wreck. I had no clue what to do. But i knew that i made a promise to my mom that i would graduate high school,an to not let nothing stop me from doing other wise. Now that i graduated a few months ago,and i'm going to college, i can imagine how happy she is an her level of excitement that her son is a college man,and is going to be a professional. One of my inspirations in my life is my mom-remembering how hard she worked has taught me to push myself to work harder than usual. Not only that but to never give up on the writing. My life is not all tragic. Nor is it perfect, but it's going smoothly. God has opened up doors for me. Cleaned windows and opened up windows of oppourtuinities that present themsleves. I use to always try to please everybody. But then again i realized that if i spend my entire life doing so,then i would never be happy with my life or myself. And that's what some people have to think to themselves or say,because that's only fantasy to please others, but In real reality you only need to please yourself. Along the way you will meet people who will respect you an like you. You will also meet a few people who will push down on your dreams an self esteem. Lots of people told me i'm a nobody. My dreams will never come true. It's unrealistic. No way!. That's crazy,get your head out of the clouds!. You won't be the next micheal jordan, or Ellen hopkins, or E.l. James which is fine by me. All i can be is me. I believe in me. There is nothing wrong with dreaming big. Not once so ever is dreaming big a crime,where it's only a fantasy. A lot of people have dreamed big an look where they're at now- Maino, the rap star. George lopez. Lebron james. Michael Jordan. Never be discouraged or afraid of dreaming big. Always love thyself. be paitent when it comes to love. I don't think i can't, or I can't should not exist. those words are your opponent. Your enemy. There is no such thing. If you want to be a better person,then change yourself. Change your ways of what you don't like about yourself. And continue to improve on the things you do like about yourself. If you want success than make it happen!. This is for all the people that feel invisible in this world, an those who need motivation-always smile. Never run out of motivation. Make your dreams come true. There are two types of success that i believe-the first type of sucess where you try 99 times,an that final time where you aim for what you want, then there is inner success-where you are proud of your accomplishments and you have expnaded on whatever your passion is, or you have improved as a person. Because look at me.... All those things people have told me, has led me to be one of the greatest inner successful writers of all time, with my poems,an short stories on different websites. From no downloads to downloads. From no money,to a few dollars in my pocket. From nothing to living my dream, an making something out of myself. What do you want to do?. Do you want to forfeit forever in life, or do you want to be win?. How do you want people to remember you by?. In what way shall your story be told?. Tell me........

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