My Mistake:
You know what? If i would have known this shit was going to happen I would have kept my distance as soon as I laid eyes on that bitch. I mean I didnt expect to be a father at such a young age, but shit happens. I really did'nt know what to expect, but when I saw her and held her for the first time it took my breath away. My beautiful little angel, how could God bless me with something so precious, after all I was'nt exactly perfect before this. I mean the gang shit was there, if you were'nt a part of it you were a victim of it. But it's time to step up right? Now what does the world have to offer a young Latino that barely made it out of high school, and I put strong emphesis on the word barely. No fucking money or grades for college, and what type of job am I going to get at age 18 with no experience and make enough to support a baby? You know my uncles had allways talked up the military like it saved them or something, so man I had no other choice. Uncle Sam I hope you have room for me.
My baby turned 6 years old today she's so much smarter than I was at that age " so I hear", its going on 4 years of her not seeing her mother on a consistant basis. I can only imagine what she feels, but if its pain she presses right through and does'nt show weakness, like a little soldier if you will, just like her daddy. How was I supposed to know her mother would end up being some mentally ill junkie? But you know what that little girl is my life, she's my rock and I would'nt alter any of the events that lead up to her birth. She's been asking alot of questions about her Mommy, and I dont really know what to tell her. I know its hard for her at school when her little friends have thier mothers around and they talk about them all the time, she must fell so embarrased.
Ive been doing some checking with my Ex mother in law and supposedly her Mom has been in a rehab for the last 3 months and doing good. Well I got that call today I cant believe it she want's to see her, I really don't know if that's such a good idea, but my daughter keeps asking for her and I dont wan't to dissapoint her. Is'nt that funny me worrying about dissapointing her when the women that's now asking for her has been doing that to her all her life. And word on the street is that she shacked up with some fool from my old neighborhood, and this dude is a fucking waste of space, a real losser.
Well I had to make that choice and I decided to let her see her for the weekend. God help me, if you can hear me, I hope I made the right decision, but I dont want my baby upset with me. It's Tuesday and I have'nt heard from her She was supposed to have me pick her up Sunday night. Imagine getting drunk off your ass and then riding the biggest roller coaster you could find, that still would'nt compare to how my stomach is turning. "Lord I hope you can hear me, Ive never asked you for much, other than keeping my baby safe and healthy but I really need you now, I feel like someones sucking the life from my body and like my brain is in a meltdown, please help me". They found my baby's lifeless body at a fucking run down motel that that they say is a regular for junkies, thats what the detective said. Her stupid bitch of a mom says it was her boyfriend, that he was flying high on speed and trying to beat her, my daughter stepped in and tried to stop him and that he punched her repeatadly until her little body just gave up. He's on the run now and the cops tell me they will do everything in thier power to bring him to justice, give me a fucking break "justice". If sitting in a jail cell and getting fed and having a place to sleep for the rest of your life is justice, then this world disgusts me. The cops say they have some leads on where to find this sick fuck, but that's bullshit I know ties to the neighborhood run strong and they will hide that mother fucker no matter what the circumstance. What the fuck do I do now?
"Dear lord if you can hear me? I have to ask you something, how could you do this to me? How could you do that to her? She never hurt anyone, all she ever did was give me the will to live and fight for her. But you left her without her gaurdian in her greatest time of need, I hate you" Man what do I do now, someone ripped my whole life from me, I cant even get out of this bed, and Im supposed to make funeral arrangments. I cant let this fucker do this to me. What am I supposed to do? Let the cops get him, fuck that. I still talk to some of the guys in the neighborhood, its sad man after all this time still doing the same shit, but there were only a few I know I could trust. Now here's the dilemma, how do I get to those select few without alerting the rest of those lowlifes, after all if I did that then that asshole would be on the run and no one would have a good chance of getting to him. I caught up with one who still live in the neighborhood, but man this was going to be tough, let me tell you why, when I used to hang out with this mother fucker he was rotten to the core, now he's on some born again christian bullshit and he knows the story. If I asked him where this guy was he would know what my intentions are. I know Ill tell him that he needs to look him and help to save his soul, and then I could follow him when he did, because he would lead me right to him, after all these jesus freaks are never a threat to the hardcore guys, they just look at them as an annoyance.
You know what I was in a special operations outfit in the Air Force. We were in Afganistan and Iraq, let me tell you it was'nt a pretty sight. I was trained to mark an enemy and destroy. But this is something different, over there it was life or death, if you wanted to make it to the next day thats what you had to do. But this is different, I am the aggressor for the first time. Just like I said that idiot lead me right to him, it's judgement day for this bastard. Ill plot the house and look for my area's of entry, wait what the fuck am I doing? This is'nt Iraq, how was I going to do this? I dont even know if I should Im starting to have doubts. I mean what the fuck am I left with? who gives a shit thier is nothing they could do to me if they caught me. I'm allready dead inside, so whatever a jury of 12 idiots that could'nt get out of jury duty handed me was irrelavant at this point. Would it bring my baby back? No it would'nt. Would it make my life worth living? man I just dont know anymore.
Wait it's allready dark and Im still sitting here thinking, whats that, man they are walking right up to my car, that fucking rat bastard sold me out, I dont think I can make it out of here, Im surrounded now, why did I spend so much time thinking about it? I should have just done it. Man I got one pointed to my head right now, but like I said they cant do anything to me that they have'nt done yet. So you know what mother fucker pull that shit!
I can see her now shes so amazing, Ive never loved anything so much, you know they say true love is when you love someone more than you love yourself. Its ok baby I dont hurt anymore because Im right here with you, where I belong. Daddy loves you.
M. Pina