Chuck's Ark

by Alan A. Smartin Esq

"CHUCK'S ARK." (Stage play, musical, or possibly a cartoon!!)

By. Alan A. Smartin Esq

A possible Jewish longcase clock! The extremely unique and desirable case with a regional style "Phallic trunk" and "Temple" style hood is constructed in the same wood as the recently discovered and purchased at great expense, remains of "Chuck's Ark," reclaimed almost intact from a sandbank just outside the entrance to New York Harbour. The vessel or wooden thing when raised, revealed not only "The Clock" in its original position in the captains cabin but, believe it or not, the captains "Head" still working! This extraordinary find is at present temporarily installed in the boardroom of the New York Wood Exchange. Shares are shortly to be issued, now that its authenticity has been verified as a result of both the Sinquirer and Daily Grope in England, refusing categorically to print the story.

This mammoth historical find came about by accident when a retired bond trader named Graham "Chip" Wally- Putts X1X, was attempting to be the first person of American Wall Street descent, to swim the Atlantic underwater from New York to Plymouth Rock England.

Underestimating the need to hold his breath for long periods, and about to sink for the third time, whilst sensibly thinking now unlikely he would achieve his goal, "Chip", felt that a photograph left in his floatable camera, would at least if found record his gallant effort . He also felt strongly being sensitive of his legacy, that it needed to be something other than the illegal waste discharged in great quantities into the harbour, now flowing aggressively seaward on the outgoing tide. The only alternative was a piece of wood jutting out of a sandbank with the word "Ark" on it. He took the photograph. His garbled cries for help on his cell phone also suffering from the waste, brought two major networks and three newspapers including the Sinquirer to his aid.

The rescue took longer than usual, due in part to his condition in remembering clearly in how negotiating a contract. It was finally resolved with Fred Turner on humanitarian grounds, plus being very wet, overriding his now seasick lawyers and agreeing to a stage payment retirement plan for the now completely numb "Chip". This did compensate to some degree, the tragic loss of his older brother Archibald "Rip" Wally- Putts XI, who only months earlier disappeared on Everest after attempting to climb it with one hand tied behind his back. Only his cell phone was found. It was his third attempt! Although It should be said in all fairness, the two were only following in their adopted father, Shamus "Lucky" O'Flattety the first footsteps, who, on arriving in America some years earlier had opened San Francisco's first, "Do it yourself Acupuncture Centre".

When, in a publicity stunt to promote the centre, attempted the first bungee jump from the San Francisco Bridge? Sadly he made three mistakes; the rope had far, far too much recoil; it wasn't secured strongly enough, and he couldn't swim. He was last seen heading skyward towards the Bay with his body being recovered some time later by fishermen approximately one mile out to sea. Assuming that was the point of impact, I'm sure he would be delighted to know however that a new sport was born, as yet not in the Olympics, but in a seaward direction his distance record still remains unbroken today. Ironically his inadvertent legacy of promoting this now popular sport stands him in historically better than promoting "Do it Yourself Acupuncture Centres", as most have resulted in closures due to a number of successful lawsuits.

With fewer odours now coming from the "Ark", work on investigation began to reveal its innermost secrets. The captain, confirmed through the ships log tablets as "Chuck" Shekel III, a man who seemingly preferring stone to scrolls, in being happier with a chisel than a quill. It also became apparent with the deciphering of the tablets that Shekel, had been before his role as captain a successful interior designer, and had played a large part not only in the original design of the Ark, but also in its interior, especially the colour combinations housing the animals, which according to the tablets were "Very pleasing to the eye".

The tablets also revealed that in the early days of the Ark's construction, one of "Chuck's" distant cousins a good natured and kind man named Nowah, disagreed strongly with the boats design and subsequently went off to build his own "Ark". His idea being a larger boat whereby two of every species could be housed. The others thought the idea ridiculous, maintaining that the waste alone would sink it, and it must be said there was relief when Nowah left, as housing his huge family alone with all of them being twins, would have proved difficult. There is some record of him, but as yet his "Ark" has not been found, but the search is continuing. It was through "Chuck's" chiselling, in a language only recently partly deciphered, that the whole tragic tale of his voyage could be told.

After sailing the Oceans of the world and back, using as a compass a one eyed albatross named "One eye", and a short muscular sailor named "Muscle's", they found themselves close to exhaustion just outside New York Harbour. Now in a desperate state, having lived on rabbit and beans for much of the last year, they attempted to land. It was then to their despair and then rage, confirmed in "Chuck's" bad chiselling in expletives still used by very angry people today, their request was denied.

It is unclear as to the exact reason why, but two clues in "Chuck's" chiselling probably provide the answer. The first was the smell, subsequently blamed on both the beans and the animals, and especially the rabbits who had been "going at it" from the launch date and now existed in vast numbers despite one should add, the occupants valiant efforts to eat as many as they could. The other was the Harbour Master, who was quite tall for a short person, whose name it appears was originally a Kenneth Perrywinkle, but had later changed his name by the time on their arrival to Huey "Flip" Swastika (a name he took from an Indian design on a canoe).

At this time "Chuck's" chiselling stops, but fortunately x-rays of the anchor chains revealed surprisingly some very twisted penned scrolls and a startling fact. The Ark had been scuttled!!! Nothing is known of the fate of the Panamanian crew or paying guests. The scrolls with difficulty when slowly unwound revealed more clues. It appears there was a dispute after a very dubious raffle, which included the more intelligent animals that should it prove necessary, the winners would get a place on the life raft, made from the skin of a dead elephant that died after eating too much rabbit. When drawn a lot of tickets had disappeared, the winners claiming that the animals not included had eaten them. A second theory was the rabbits, connecting it to the third theory that all the occupants to escape the smell, went in for a swim at the same time. More theories and deciphering of the scrolls are to follow, including evidence suggesting some questionable sexual relationships, and a brief mention of a mutiny lead by a kangaroo named Gerald.

The clock case it must be said still has that wonderful aroma of the sea about it a combination of seaweed and sea stuff. The German made three half hours and 20 seconds movement, was made in part by Georing Blitzkrieg, and was to say at least unusual, but in very little demand today. The dial inscribed" G B Shekel", suggests the palm trees in all four corners of the dial were Shekel's idea, which will explain itself later. And meanwhile there now seems irrefutable evidence that after floating to Scotland on either the skin of a dead elephant, or, an exceptional piece of wood from the Ark, thus proving a floating tribute to its buoyancy, that Shekel was eventually washed up somewhere on the Scottish Coast. My own guess is, close to "Lock Ness!"

With his skin now bleached almost white he sensibly changed his name to Jock, and went on in later life to write "Very Oldest Scottish Clockmakers" by Jock Shekel the first, accepted by the worlds horologists as the finest definitive account of Scottish Clock making by a bleached person. In recognition now of his adopted heritage, was a rather flamboyant tartan kilt he wore decorated with palm trees, and a suggestion in his book dealing with maintenance that clock movements would run better on coconut oil?

Georing and Blitzkrieg strongly disagreed with this advice, stating once again categorically that all their movements should run for four half days and 30 seconds, and in addition blaming his advice on coconut oil for their clocks lack of duration, and consequently their company's demise into receivership.

Jock meanwhile never married, and so alone and disillusioned in growing extremely Agoraphobic, in so much as finding it difficult even moving comfortably from one room to another, and with his life, kilt, and lawn in tatters, while the front garden of his crofters cottage inundated day and night with angry clock owners confused as to what time it was, decided then regrettably, to leave the trade.

But now convinced in the special powers of coconut oil, he turned instead to homopathetic medicine. It was not long before with a friend from Australia called Bruce; he opened a practice prescribing coconut oil in large quantities for ailments such as excessive burping and flatulence. Side effects however included liver failure, kidney failure, and other less known failures, heart attack, restless toes syndrome and the runs! But whether it was his flamboyant style of dress, with his new kilt now displaying especially in the front huge bunches of additional coconuts, or possibly the attractive smell he gave off we shall never know, but it was a great financial success. It was about this time flushed with success and coconut oil; he began feeling very responsible for the part unsure he might have played in scuttling the "Ark".

So with Bruce's affection and approval, he financed an expedition to recover it. He gathered a young but possibly inexperienced crew, while displaying once again his designer skills, dressing them all in outfits similar to his own, but with fewer coconuts. A trend he would have been happy to know continued by some liberal seafaring folk to this day. After a rousing send-off from a well-wisher and his dog, he set sail in a ship called "Jumbo" close to the spot where he had been washed ashore all those years ago. Nothing more was ever seen of the ship until now, "Chuck", or his flamboyant crew again.

Comments from non ringed auction rooms: - Smotherbies / Crispies/ Bobhams: It would have been nice if auctioned, that this clock could have been purchased by a direct descendant of "Shekel", and we would certainly have given preference with the customary not practiced today, nod and a wink that would end the bidding. But only if positive proof of funds could be provided!

Footnote: Worthington Stielberg has recently for a (guess yourself) unmentionable sum; outbid Winston Dizzy for the film rights to this tale. The good news is that Winston will now certainly go big time for the majority shares.

More important footnotes!

All proceeds (excluding favourable expenses) will be donated to the research

and hopefully cure of:-

"The compulsive flattery of complete stranger's Syndrome" (U.S.A)

Some recommended reading on the subject includes:-

"The story of Briar Rabbit in edible form" by Gorden Ramsbottom!

"For Heavens sake" How many Arks were there?" by Pope John X111111111X

Typed with great reluctance by my friends wife, (A victim of the above syndrome), whilst disassociating herself completely with historical evidence supplied by myself. And as an avid reader of the Sinquirer and when holidaying in England the Daily Grope, objects most strongly to the slur against them. She does nevertheless wish everyone "A nice super happy and wonderful, whilst healthy but carefree loving and touchy, but not that close day!''

(From our old American historical person mentioned below)

Mobie Richard. Whale Esq. Or, Dick if you prefer!

Alias; A A.S.


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