A Threat to Norway.

by Ray Cowie


Today in the county of Dumfolk and straight after the East Dangling weather reports, hostilities were officially declared. Also, it was revealed that it would be cloudy with the definite chance of maybe patchy monsoons this afternoon.

The general public have been urged, quite vehemently, to bring their washing in for the time being.

        In the dimmest corner of Dumfolk, an urgent press conference was called. The enormously admired and gratefully accepted 'Make More Use of Your Rhubarb Monthly' and other comparable periodicals attended this spur-of-the-moment meeting.

        So it was, in Mr Mildew Gonfondling's garden shed, that the angry citizens of Dingley Mute stated their intentions.

        It has been alleged that after several weeks of what has to be considered nothing short of downright impertinence and flagrant audacity, Dingley Mute has had enough and is now officially at war with the high-falootin' people of Norway and its surrounding villages and their occupants likewise.

The Dumfolk hamlets sole campaigner for rubber menswear and scarcely nominated spokesperson for the hastily arranged War Counsel, Commander Kingsley Vocal-Chord held sway with the privileged members of the press, as the two of them convened by a curiously large bag of compost and a rake.

The shocking revelation came after Oslo refused, point blank and quite tersely too, it must be said, to be twinned with Dingley Mute, ever. This came as no surprise to the much-maligned folk of the area.

        Dribblestitch and Humpston-upon-Tip, which are situated farther along the white pebbled, donkey-strewn coastline, were denied recognition too. And unfortunately for all concerned, this has tossed a proverbial spanner into any chances of much needed peace talks at this moment in time.

        Furthermore, this was emphasized over the garden fence by and according to an unpredictable widow, Mrs Jeremiah Benton-Flatcock who just happened to be passing on her three wheeled motorcycle at the time.

        Her shameless nudity and piercing trombone solo was seen as a sign that all is not well in Dingley Mute.

        The fact that Mrs Benton-Flatcock was arrested for driving whilst under the influence of turnip brandy and seemingly without due care and attention, was later claimed as a deliberately repressive measure, taken by a government, which the people of Dingley Mute believe is in cahoots with the sworn enemy, incidentally.

        It is not known as yet, whether the Norwegian government even realises that it is under siege and might well be toppled at any given instant. Or when the rain stops.

        Commander Vocal-Chord said the phone was engaged when he first tried to let them know, so next time he will be reversing the charges.

        What is known however, is that an irritated home office spokeswoman, The Right Honourable Millicent Swooping MP, has firmly stated that the adamant people of Dingley Mute are undeniably, all as mad as fruitcakes and that clearly the care in the community programme has not worked here.

        Oh and by the by, there will be peace at Christmas after all.


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