The Most Dangerous Beast of All...

by Leslie Johnson

There is a creature that showed up at my house some months ago, trampling Tokyo and then rampaging across the seas to my humble abode. Not Godzilla, no, far more scary! Pregzilla!

It's eyes burn cherry red, it's teeth gnash and grind, when aroused, which is constantly, it rends and tears with razor sharp words and claws. It's hearing is uncanny. Whisper "Run for your life!", and it will hear you! Faster than a charging Javalina, it spins on it's hind claws and bolts after fresh prey, roaring and swearing! Brave men quail before it! Brave women shudder in sympathy, run in fear!

They like to cache food in hidden places, usually freshly killed Twinkies or double stuffed cookies, then come back and eat them later. Some times Bro-asuarous will find these stashes, and bolt them down, leaving a trail of crumbs behind him as he lumbers away. Pregzilla can track these like a bloodhound, and the fight is ON! Trees crush and uproot, cliffs crumble, huge gouges tear into the earth as the behemoths roar and rend, each one trying to batter the other into submission. All we mere mortals can do is cower and wait, praying we aren't trampled in the battle. It is terrifying!

Fortunately, the Japanese tell me Pregzillas go away after nine months or so, and don't come back unless some major mistakes are made... This gives one the courage to withstand the onslaught.

But the creature that replaces it? I don't know... It is whispered I will become the.... Grandmazilla!!!! Boring people to death with endless pictures and cutesy stories until they pray for a clean and easy death!

A huge, nattering beast that leaps upon the unwary and bludgeons them with "Isn't he just ADORABLE!!!" until they weep for mercy.... It swings it's gray furred head to and fro, searching, searching, for new prey... near sighted eyes sweeping for heat trails to identify new game... Once detected, they move with horrid speed, creaking old joints popping like castanets as they rush into the attack! The screams of the victims can last for minuets at a time...terrible, long, drawn out shrieks... "I've SEEN it, yes! I have! PLEASE don't show me agai....." Terrible! Just terrible!

So beware, gentle friends, avoid this house like the plague! Dreadful beasties loom and stalk, Jabberwocky frightens naught!

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