Sitting on my window seal staring in space, I thought, what are you doing. You have your entire life ahead of you. You should still be enjoying yourself you are young, beautiful and intelligent.
I arrived on campus for the first time as a freshman with my books in hand. It was August 2007 and there was a chill in the air. I was dressed in my brown sweater and vest, blue grey jeans and brown boots. Yes, I was making one of my fashion statements. There he stood by the bookstore, six feet tall too beautiful to be real.
Of course I am not the most outgoing person so I thought could he be looking at me.
Feeling a little shy I just turned and walk away. Then I felt the presence of someone getting closer and closer to me, I turned just to be cautious and there he was not more than two feet away me. Startled at first, I looked him up and down without saying a word. Then he spoke. His voice was so soothing I was mesmerized with every word released from his lips.
"Hello, what is your name?"
I could not hear any other voices even though I was standing in the middle of the school campus due to those five words he spoke. They rang in my ear like a love song.
In a very low voice I said, Bethany.
Hello Bethany, I'm Kindred may I speak with you for a moment.
We talked for about five minutes, but I had to rush to class so we exchanged phone numbers and ran up the stairs. For the rest of the day all I could think about was this magnificent creature and the sound of his voice. I had a long day so when I got home that evening I fell into bed and went to sleep. When I woke the next morning I realized there were two messages on my phone. I checked my voice mail and it was him, Kindred. I hadn't dreamed the entire thing. I paused, what should I do. Should I call him back and wait for him to call again.
I planned on calling later that afternoon, but he called again around 11:00A.M. We talked on the phone for hours getting to know each other a little better. We made plans for dinner later on that evening. When he suggested we meet at the restaurant I was a little shocked. Hesitant at first, I thought well I don't really know him and I have my own car so I went along with the plan. Around six we met at The Garden and had a wonderful time. That is until the waitress brought the check. This guy looked at the waitress and asked for two checks. My mouth dropped opened. Then he started laughing, just joking Bethany. I know there was a sigh of relief on my face. Don't get me wrong, I have my own money, but how you ask someone out then not pay. Kindred walked me to my car and I drove away, never seeing him get into a car.
Over the next couple of months we were inseparable. We were having so much fun that I didn't think much of the fact that I was doing all the driving. I was either driving to his house or meeting him somewhere. I finally got the nerve to ask him if he owned a car.
"Yes Bethany, but I have to do some work on it."
My first thought was how can this perfect man not have transportation My second thought was how is he getting around, and my third thought was walk away GIRL, but when I looked into his eyes, I convinced myself not to worry. Give him time he'll get it together.
That was my first mistake. Never make excuses, but that's exactly what I did. This was the first mistake of many I was about to make.
My responsibilities in the relationship became considerably larger. Not only was I still picking him up I had also began paying for everything. To put it shortly I had become the man.
When we spoke about the situation he always convinced me it was only temporary. Just until my car is working, he said. All my money is going into the car, Bethany. Don't you worry your pretty little head about thing you cannot control. I got this, he said.
Yet month and after month it was the same story and still no car. And month after month I continued to make excuses if for no other reason but to justify me wearing the pants in the relationship. Because that's what I was doing and he had no problem with it.
Finally I opened my eyes, and when I did the arguing began; even some verbal abuse. He was no longer this magnificent creature that mesmerized me months earlier. He began to curse me and accuse me of cheating. He even demanded to know my whereabouts every minute of the day. Almost drawn back into this nightmare that I had pretended for months to be a sweet dream.
I realized I have lived a charmed life. It's the life I was giving and I will not apologize for it. I wiped that frown off my face and stopped feeling sorry for him and myself. I realized I should be having a good time with someone that can meet me half way.
Ask yourself, self. What are you doing? You have your entire life ahead of you. You are young, beautiful and intelligent. And yes, "You do have control over your life."
SO JUST ENJOY YOURSELF.