I Love You No Doubt...

by Magdi Khalil

December 24th 2002

This seems to be workingI didn't know if I connected everything rightmy head is getting heavierI can't keep my eyes open. I swallow a couple of more pills and lay back down in the water. I take the knife and slowly run it over my wrist, it feels so warm. I don't feel any pain; I think in a strange way I feel very peaceful. The pain I've been feeling for the past month will soon end. Don't pity me. Don't judge me. I have judged myself and I know this is what I deserve. Stop looking at me with those damning eyes! I know what you're thinking, but trust me when I tell you; this is the perfect ending to my story. What is my story you're asking, what could I have gone through to bring me to this point? I'll tell you, but listen carefully I don't have much time left. I'll tell you, I'll tell you all about her.

Dec 31st 2001

I can't believe I'm actually here! A family reunion on New Years Eve, my uncle is a genius! This is going to be great, I haven't seen most of the family for quite sometime now.

"Michael! Come over here and say hi to your cousin!" My aunt Barbara screams at me.

This should be good, I clearly remember my cousin Jessica, the last time I saw her was over ten years ago. Pig tails, thick glasses and the most annoying voice in the world. So, you understand why I really wasn't too thrilled about this.

"Hi, Aunt Barb, where is that spoiled little brat" I joked as I approached her slowly.

"Michael, you're so silly, Jessica is not a little girl anymore." My aunt says with a smile.

"She had to go talk to your uncle for a minute, oh, there she is!" My aunt exclaims as she points at someone behind me.

I turn around

There are moments in our lives that we never forget for as long as we live, for me, that moment was now. Everything around me seemed to move very slowly and I could swear that the world came to a stop for a minute or two. I know I must have looked stupid with my mouth open in awe, she was she was absolutely stunning. Her hair was a beautiful dark sky surrounding a moon, her eyes were green pearls floating on a clear white sea, her lips were full of life and her smile took my breath away. I could tell from the form fitting sexy dress she wore that she was no longer that young girl I met many years ago.

"Michael! Oh my God, I'm so happy we finally got to meet again!" Jessica said in an angelic voice as she gave me a hug.

"uh..yeah..glad..really..wow" I mumbled in response.

"You're funny" Jessica giggles

For the remainder of the night Jessica and I were talking non stop. A family reunion seemed to suddenly disappear from around us and it was just about me and her. The more I spoke to her, the more I realized what an amazing person she was. She was smart, funny, ambitious and incredibly witty. We had a great time together and we were laughing constantly. I kept telling myself to walk away, what's the sense, she's my cousin, it's not like I can ask her out at the end of the night! My father would kill me if he found out that I even thought of asking her out!

"Well, I gotta get going now. I had an amazing time. It was really nice to see you again." I say as I stand up.

"Me too." Jessica responds

It was very awkward for a few seconds as we both stood there silently not knowing what to say next.

"We should hang out sometime you know" Jessica breaks the silence.

"uh..yeah. We should, maybe we'll go catch a movie or something" I say as I move my hands in a nervous fashion.

"That sounds like fun, I like to have fun, just simple fun" Jessica says with a grin.

I didn't know if there was a hidden meaning behind that comment or not. It can't be, she's my cousin, my dirty mind is at work again.

"Yes, fun" I repeat

"Here is my number Michael, call me" Jessica says as she hands me her number.

January 10th 2002

I've been talking to Jessica almost every night since we met and I'm really confused. It is very clear that we have so much in common but I am afraid of where that could lead us. She made it very clear that she "likes" me, but what does that mean? My brain is going to explode. Next time I speak to her I am just going to ask her what it means to "like" me.

January 11th 2002

"Jessica, I've been meaning to ask you something" I say over the phone.

"oooo, sounds serious mister Michael, go ahead" Jessica says in her usual joking fashion.

"You've mentioned a couple of times that you "like me", what do you mean by that?" I ask as my voice starts breaking up.

Jessica giggles on the other side.

"hmmm, usually when I tell a guy that I "like" them, it usually means that I "really" like them" she says

"And what does that mean?usually" I ask

"Usuallyit means that I want them" she says

"You mean sexually?" I say as my heart races.

"oooh yeah" she says

"But I guess there is always an exception to the usual" I say trying to give Jessica a chance to bring me back to reality again.

"Well Michael, I haven't come across that exception yet" she says in a subtle voice.

My heart is beating fast.

"So, hypothetically speaking, if we weren't cousins and I met you somewhere and leaned over and kissed you, you'd be ok with that, right?" I say in a somewhat calm voice.

"Hypothetically speaking, if I'm at the store on Lombard Street, lets say in 20 minutes and you happened to be there and did that, I might forget we're cousins for a minute or two" she says in a sultry voice.

My heart is beating very fast.

"Well, I have to go now; I have to run to the store to get something. I'll talk to you later." I say as I look at myself in the mirror.

"Bye Michael"

"Bye Jessica"

This can't be happening! I just made a date with my cousin! Oh my God, Oh my God! This is so wrong! What if I misunderstood her!? What if this is all in my head!? Ok ok, I'm going to go to the store and see what happens.

I change quickly and I get to the store. My heart is beating with nervousness as I pass from isle to isle. She doesn't seem to be there. I am so stupid to have read so much into what she said! I come to the last isle and as I turn I see hershe was standing there her face just lit when she saw me. My mind was made, I walked up to her and I leaned over and I started to kiss her. What is happening? She's not moving away, she's kissing me back, she put her arm around me! Her lips are so soft; I feel electricity passing between our lips. This is so surreal, the fact that we could get caught any moment only adds to the intensity of the moment.

Our kiss finally ends and I look at her, she's smiling at me. I open my mouth to say something and she slowly puts her finger on my lips and whispers in my ear...

"Just fun Michael, just fun"

March 15th 2002

It's been two month since our store encounter, Jessica and I. We both have never been happier. We found out that we had just as much chemistry sexually as we did on every other level. Maybe because we both knew that we were eating from a forbidden tree or maybe because the relationship was so fresh, whatever the reality was, it didn't matter to us. I am clearly starting to develop strong feelings for Jessica but I don't want to ruin what we have by forcing her into an actual relationship. We both know that we can never be together and I think I have to talk to Jessica and figure out how she feels about me. I'll talk to her when I see her tomorrow.

March 16th 2002

"Oh my God!" We both exclaim with a big laugh as we finally fall on the bed.

"Michael, you're amazing" Jessica says

"I'm glad you think so, otherwise I'd be pretty bummed out!" I reply with a big smile on my face

We look into each others eyes and smile.


"Yes Michael"

"I want to tell you something but I'm afraid it might change our relationship, I know that we said this is just going to be about fun, but the more I got to know you" I start explaining

"Michael" Jessica interrupts me

"Yes?" I ask as I pull her closer to me, feeling her warm body against mine

"I Love you Michael"

My heart flutters

"I Love you Jessica, I love you a lot"

Jessica grins and holds me

July 4th 2002

Jessica and I are going to New York City for July 4th, things have been great! We decided that although we are clearly in love we can't be in an exclusive relationship given the circumstances. So we established three dating rules. First, the person we date can't be someone we both know. Second, it has to be a one night stand. Third, we have to get permission from each other before we sleep with anybody else. We are so good! I love this woman!

September 3rd 2002

Jessica and I got in a fight the other night, I can't even explain it. We were both drunk and I guess we just started arguing. I'm really upset, we haven't spoken since.

September 20th 2002

We're talking to each other again but things are not the same anymore. She seems very distant. If I hadn't picked up the phone and called her, I don't know if she would have ever done so. I have a bad feeling, something is not right. She is very cold to me and we have not been intimate since the fight. Every time the opportunity presents itself, Jessica somehow has a reason why she can't get together. At least we're somewhat back together. I can't even imagine my life with out her.

October 14th 2002

Things are getting slightly better, we seem to be getting closer again but Jessica still seems not to be interested in getting together sexually not a good sign.

An old friend from high school is coming to town Sharon she called me up and wants to get together. Sharon has had a crush on me for the longest time and I know if we get together something is going to happen between us. I'm going to call Jessica tomorrow and see if she's ok with me sleeping with Sharon; it fits perfectly with our three rules!

October 15th 2002

"Hey Jess, how are you"

"Good, what's going on Michael?"

"Listen, I'll get straight to the point.., an old friend of mine is coming to town and she wants to get together and I know something will happen if I meet her, so I wanted to find out how you feel about that? You know I love you, but I figured this fits well with our three rules so what the heck!"

"Michael, that's wonderful, go for it, of course make sure to use protection and all, I have no problem with it at all!"

"Very cool, I figured it shouldn't be a big deal"

"You know Michael, while we're on the subject"


"There is something you should know"


"Remember that Sunday that we had the fight on?"


"Well the next night I met an old friend and I had sex with him, I used protection of course."


"Michael please"


"Michael, why are you yelling! You are such a hypocrite, you just told me five minutes ago that you wanted to sleep with someone else!"


"I thought we were over! Plus when we started talking again I didn't think it was a good time to bring it up"




"I'm done!" Jessica screams as she hangs up the phone.

November 1st 2002

The pain is too much. How did we end up here, everything was so perfect. I can't function, I need some answers. I emailed Jessica and asked to meet her for lunch to talk. I just want to know whywhy. The worst part about being in a relationship with your cousin is that you can't even talk to your friends about it; you're alone in your pain and misery. This has to be the price I have to pay for all the people we deceived over the past year

November 2nd 2002

"Hi Jessica, thanks for meeting me"

"No problem"

"Jessica, before I get into anything I want to ask you a simple question.."


"Do you still love me?"

"I love you no doubt in that, I'm just deeply hurt by you"

"Excuse me?"

"You have a temper problem; you said a lot of hurtful things"

"Jessica, you cheated on me!"

"But why do you have to be nasty about it!?"

"Jessica, you cheated on me and lied to me for over a month!"

"Well, I'm sorry for not telling you, if I had to do it all over again I probably would have told you sooner"

"That's great, listen; this conversation is not going to get us anywhere. I don't want us to fight anymore; I want us to be us again. I love you and always will"

"I'm sorry Michael, I can't get past your hurtful words, I think we need to go our separate ways."

"Jessica, you cheated on me, I'm sorry if I wasn't very nice about it"

"It doesn't matter now."

"Jessica, how could you say this when you just told me you still love me!?"

"I guess you've never been in a relationship where you loved that person but you didn't want to be with them?"

"Can't say I have, I usually want to be with the person I love"

"Michael, I really don't have the time or energy to deal with this right now. I'm pretty firm in my decision"

Jessica slowly stands up and walks away.

I don't know what hurt more, the "I love you" or the "I don't want to be with you", regardless she tore my heart out and the pain is unbearable.

December 1st 2002

Would you think less of me if I told you I still love her? Don't worry; I think less of myself for it. I just can't help it. I loved her so much. I hear her voice all around me, everything I come across reminds me of her, a song, a word, a scentI can't stop thinking about her. When a hunter is standing over a dying dear, can they even imagine the pain their hunted is in? I don't think so. I know she has moved on with her life, to her I'm nothing more than a memory. I can't breathe just thinking that I will never get to hold her again. The pain is too much, I have to end it, I have to end it

December 2oth 2002

It's the holiday season; Christmas is in a few days. I look outside my window; everybody seems so happy. I haven't left my apartment for over a week. The silence and darkness has given me a chance to think about what happened with Jessica. Sadness surrounds me, my heart is heavy. Life seems so meaningless with out her. Why continue when the one person that I've cared about the most is no longer there. I've thought about ending my life but I don't seem to have enough courage to do it.

December 23rd 2002

Many wonder how a breakup could push a man to contemplate killing himself. Those that wonder that obviously have never been truly in love. Jessica was my life, my reason for existence; I loved her with all my heart. For those of you that have gone through breakups before, you know the feelings that engulf you afterwards; feelings of self pity, agony, and denial. Constantly questioning yourself; what could I have done different? What is wrong with me? Am I ugly? Was she not satisfied sexually? If I was different would she have loved me more? Was our relationship that fragile that it couldn't survive a single fight? One question after another with no answer in sight. The one thing I do know for certain is that I can no longer bear this pain. I know what needs to be done.

December 24th 2002

Sothat's my storydo you still pity me? I didn't think so. I told you this was the perfect ending. There is one last thing though. Can you please if you see her tell her something? Tell her that.


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