"Timothy, take out the garbage!" she yells out loud that even when I'm closed into these four walls I still can hear her voice. I have a story to tell and I hope when you read this you'll understand me better.
I was born in the beautiful city of Miami and I go by the name of Timothy, you can call me Tim if you'd like. Ever since my first day at school I have been a good learner yet I barely learn. Miami is hot; you will need to have a car in order to go shopping or go anywhere for that matter.
"Timothy Johnson, either you throw the garbage out or I'm going to go up there and there's going to be hell" she yells again, better get up.
You might not like what I did but let me tell you exactly what happened and how did I end up being this way. Believe me I don't like what I did but I had to. Have you ever read those books dealing with that impulse? I didn't want to hurt her believe me when I say this, I loved her and I still do to this day, she's my mother and will always be my mother.
The first incident happened a few months ago when we were arguing about something insignificant and then she took it to heart insulting me and leaving me like a piece of garbage. Sorry for my language, I didn't mean to but I hope that you look into my heart and see the heartache that I am going through right now.
Every 21 year old has his share of problems, especially when he owes a big amount of money to the bank and the college that he is attending to. Yes, that 21 year old is me and yes I do owe a lot to the bank and I owe a loan. Now take that and pair it off with problems in your house, bills to pay, chores to do and what do you have? A ticking time bomb.
Some people might think that I am creepy but that is not true I am just a quiet reserved guy. Why am I this way? Well, things have happened to me since my childhood that I haven't told anybody until now. My body was utilized against my will when I was young by members of my own family, of around my own age. You probably know what I'm referring to, this is one of my reasons to my downfall.
Ever since I hit puberty I was rejected by the opposite sex. Is it the way that I am? Do they see me as a monster? Considering the circumstances I guess I am a monster to you right? Let me go back to an event that perhaps changed my way of thinking.
We should go back to last December when we were saying good bye to the New Year. It was shaping up to be a memorable one as I sat down and conversed with the other guests. Suddenly a big argument broke out in between my brother and my mother and of course I had to intervene. Was it right to intervene? I still think to this day that it was right but I ended up with a black eye thanks to my brother.
Ever since that day the woman that gave me life wished that I was dead and I couldn't figure out why until last month when she said something that got me raging inside. Granted it is so rare to see me furious but I couldn't contain myself, the road was filled with many different emotions that I couldn't ignore but before I could hurt her I ran away.
I'm scared of myself and the darkness that came out of me on that day. I am scared that because of what I did to her things will be different for all of the family. Did they always love me? Did she say those things only because she was angry or did she really mean it? Will I ever know? What advice can you give me?
"You're not my son!" I can still remember those words and I forgive her for them. Yes, even though it will not bring me back to that time to tell her that I forgive her I still forgive her. I came back a couple of days after that incident and she hugged me crying for forgiveness perhaps? She recoiled quickly as she realized that her words had no effect on me. Was it the darkness clouding my mind again? Perhaps it was, to this day I'll never know.
Yes, I came back but things were completely different. Something that was lying dormant in me woke up. I was turned into an automaton as I headed towards the routine of the week (which consisted of school, work and home) and then when I arrived home I said hi to her but then I didn't share my feelings with her, I closed myself into my room.
"Timothy, I'm heading up right now and I swear to God you better open that door!" she said but I was struggling to get up, I didn't want to get up. It was a good thing that I locked the door because she always bugged me in the early mornings. You might blame me for being lazy but as may also know my situation, I felt going down the rabbit hole. I felt empty; I felt no reason or rhyme.
School turned into a chore for me but it was better than being at home. Believe me when I say that I loved to stay at home but then also it was better for me to go out and talk to other people. The mask that I had to wear made it unbearable for me to continue though. Did those people ever figure me out? Did somebody figure out my new friend? My monster?
Work brought me money of course even though I hated it, I hated everything that involved being a cashier and dealing with other human beings. My mask was kept on at all times as I saw them walk into the store. I despised them; I despised everything that they asked. My boss was and is to this day a hypocrite.
You might think that I had a lot of repressed feelings but society always thought that I was a nice decent guy. I was loved as a friend by people and nothing more. After this event of course their way of thinking will change and I wanted it to be that way. Look into my heart and know that I truly loved my mother but my brother"
I never once thought highly of him. I hated the way that he treated my mother and the way that he treated me. He's 36 years old, single and still living in the house like a leech. Whenever I was nice to him, I wore my mask and nothing more. You might think that I was afraid that my mother would throw me into a shrink and it's true therefore that is another reason why I wore my mask.
Think of me as being selfish and perhaps that is true, but believe me that I did myself a favor and I did everybody a favor by getting rid of the unusable. I once read a quote that said "for what does a man profit if he shall lose his own soul." That is so true right now.
"Timothy, open the fucking door right now" I hear her menacing words as I float away. It was finally the moment of truth in which she finally saw the monster that she created. To her dismay she sees what a mess I've made and as she approaches closer to me she sees the handiwork that I've done.
"Lewis hurry up, your brother's dying!" I hear her clamor for my brother.
I did what I did to end my despair and everybody else's. I know that it wasn't right but you as my judge and executioner can understand me. I stand in front of you with regret for what I did yet I am also in peace with myself because I did myself a good deed. I didn't belong with society and I am begging you God as my only witness to my faults to look inside what's left of my soul. My mother destroyed what was left of it even when I forgave her.
Good bye to the world left behind, good bye to all of them that rejected me and hated me. In the end my only friend in the world ended up being something small as a knife. I am here at your mercy oh merciful one, I accept your judgment. Someday I'll get into this reign but as of now I will resign myself to the pain that I have inflicted in others as my torture.
"Timothy was a good kid and he didn't deserve to go out like that. Why he did it? I don't know and I never will. I know that I wasn't the perfect mother but whatever I did was to make him a better person." She says as she grabs my brother and starts to cry.
There are things in the life of a human being that are not and will not always be understood. For if in life I felt empty without a soul, I now feel decimated without a body.