Haunt

by TJ Kendrick

how do i speak?

how do i say?

where is my voice?

everything around me is cast grey, teeth poking up to the sky, compacted dust pressed into form, solidified, bounding the bowl of my life. curved smooth; no way to grip and climb, forever trapped in an opaque lens, focussed on me: the unseeable eye.

they give me pills, the pills replace symptoms with symptoms the doctors say. yet in my head, my minds eye peers out same as before. same as every day.

they took my weapons, these pills, took the things that kept me safe.

my mind riots, no order, no hope.

i am followed everywhere, i travel nowhere, movement is an illusion. tic toc tic toc. my body is dead and my mind does not know this. insight? no, it is the way of the world, the whisper the pills do not quiet.

today i climb the stairs, like other days. today i lock the door and sit at the top of the clocktower. like other days. i breathe, fresh air; the wind brisk and alive. not as i, like other days.

this moment of freedom as i prepare to fall.

the man by the car, no reason why him. i breath last free breath, and pull the trigger. he crumples, white shocked faces, even from up here i see them gasp, see sound not hear it, the wind sings around me and i fire, again again again. clockwork i become clockwork. tic toc tic toc, the crack of the rifle, the smell of the charge, like before, in the war, but now i am the war. i feel sad, it is comfort. the woman on the steps, the man by the barbers, the boy on the bicycle, i meet these people this one time, reach out say hello. running, lots of running below and maybe i hear the screams and the shouting but i listen to the wind sing and my breath. so quiet, the end of my world and i spread it about with a ten shot load.

it is not how i thought that led me to this place, it is not what i did that set this pace, it is only a cog in a terrible whirl, i know i will make no sense when they look at my fall. i spun and i slipped as i tried to hold on, when i wanted to find help all the handholds had gone. i am alone, i made my own way, a long time ago i set out to this day. the kick of the gun, the way the wood jolts, i worried i'd cry and not work the bolt, but it all turns out it is too easy to do. tic toc tic toc the spring winds down, footfalls on stairs and hammering at the door, i keep on reaching, yearning for more, here at the end i find a will to live, at the end of my world i give and give.

tic toc tic

this is not like other days.

there are no more other days

there is nothing

but the hole i made.

all i am is unseeing eyes.

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