Memoirs of Lost

by Ryan Nielson

As he boarded the plane, he knew it all was a

failure. He knew in his heart that he could never

have her, as she would never have him. The life he had chosen had led him away from her, no matter how hard he tried to turn it around. The thoughts of lost love consumed him; because for him, the love was never lost. Each step down the dimly lit boarding hall, seemed to sink his foot into the floor, his knees becoming weaker with each step.

The pain was absolutely unyielding, radiating from his chest, and coursing throughout his entire body. The pain gave him goosebumps and made him cold, the thin hairs on his arms stood on end. He eventually found his seat, and clumsily sat down as he closed his eyes. The once plush seat now turned as hard as stone, because he felt he deserved nothing more. The cold seemed to consume him, and it seemed nothing could change that.

He looked out his window, staring at the people outside. "Some of them have found a love that will last until they die", he thought. All he could keep imagining, was his legs twisted around hers, the warmth from her body cascading to his, the smoothness of her skin, the absolutely extraordinary soul he had become entangled with. This was the woman that made him simply love life. She was his life. The taste of salt filled his mouth, as he tried to swallow the blood in his mouth from biting his lip, to numb the pain.

The plane taxied over to the runway, and spooled up to take off. Oh how he wished it would end. The pain would never go away. He knew it, in what was left of his heart. Everything he had ever done, or strived to become, was laid to rest in a day. This was it. The plane took off, and thrusted toward the crystal blue sky.

As he watched the ground and the objects on it grow smaller, he wished he could touch it again. He watched the town that his love was in, drift away amidst the whine of turbofan engines. For a moment, there was peace. The pain left him, and he felt tingly, numb. It was amazing. He couldn't have hoped for anything better. He stared out the window at the wing, seemingly entranced by it's gentle bumping up and down, as the drafts of air moved over it.

The ground was getting much smaller now, just a sea of green, with clouds hovering above. Then the pain came back again, as he thought of her. He wished he couldn't think of her. He wished his brain could shut down for a few days. The pain zinged from his chest, all the way to his fingertips, and then felt as if they had been slammed in a door. At the height of his pain, he felt a massive thrash of the aircraft. He quickly glanced out his window, and saw the engine missing, the aircraft's wing ablaze. It was going down.

The sound of deafening screams seemed to fill the cabin, until it seemed to almost burst with fear. Not for him. The screams and terrible moan of the plane's wings burning and tearing off, all seemed to fade to white noise. He knew he was going to die. In a trance, he knew that this is what he wanted. This was his escape from the pain. This was the end to it all, he didn't have to live his life without her! The ground was coming into clear view, as the plane banked to the left, the ground seeming to pull the burning levithan into it's cold grip. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his notepad and pen. He knew exactly what he would write.

The destruction and loss of life that was about to befall him, seemed to dance around in a perfectly orchestrated concert of annihilation. He wrote: My dearest...I write to you this minute, because it's the last one that i'll have to speak to you. I write to you, so that you will know, my heart is yours, and always will be. You are the only woman I have ever loved, and ever will. You made the day brighter than the sun could've ever hoped to. I just want you to know, you were everything. No matter how bad things seemed to get, or how much we missed each other, you made it bearable. You made crying worthwhile. I am so sorry for what I couldn't give. You deserved it all and I couldn't give it to you. [the ground growing larger in the window] I want you to know, that if you ever read this, I love you, I love you.

Forever.

He gently laid his head against the window, and looked as the wing began to rip apart as it sliced through the earth, exploding in a titanic fireball. He felt the intense heat on his face through the window, and smiled. [Moment of impact]

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