“Three, two, one… Happy New Year!” Ava, sitting in Sarah’s immaculate bedroom with her eyes fixed on her black screen, was frantically trying to turn her phone back on. Downstairs, the cheers of her friends mingled with the sounds of loud Latino music and glasses clinking.
It was Ava’s first time celebrating New Year's without her family. They were in Spain with grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, whilst she had stayed in London to celebrate with friends. Despite it being crucial to celebrate the winter festivities with her family, as they are everything to her, this year, she had made an exception. She accepted Sarah's invitation to celebrate at her house. It was her first year at university, and she should be partying because that is what young people do. Under the pressure of fitting in, she accepted.
A few hours before the other guests arrived at the house, she was dressing up with Sarah. She felt excited about the party. “I even feel pretty”, she thought, looking at her reflection in the mirror. But now, Ava was sitting alone in Sarah’s perfect room, leaning against the warm radiator in her red velvet evening gown; she was a mess. Sarah’s room was always clean and perfectly organised, with the bed perfectly made, even with the covers tucked in. The only scatty element was the normal-sized pink furry heart pillow lying on the bed. Ava leaned forward to grab the pillow and held it as tightly as she could.
She had retreated from the party downstairs a few minutes earlier, not feeling well, without really figuring it out. When her friends had started dancing in the living room a few minutes before midnight, Ava hadn't felt like she belonged. Ashamed to dance and feeling uneasy, she withdrew into Sarah's room. No one had followed her, sensing that she needed to be alone.
Once by herself, tears had flowed for no apparent reason. Perhaps she missed her family, perhaps she no longer felt comfortable with her friends, perhaps it was the absence of James, the discomfort in Pauline's presence, the accumulated fatigue... Just minutes away from the new year, Ava was alone, her head between her knees, hugging the soft, furry heart pillow. She was trying to gather her thoughts to rejoin the others. Finally, she decided to call her father. "Hi, sweetie! Is everything okay? Can I call you back later? We're setting off fireworks with Pablo and Julio." Ava didn't dare to share what was happening with her father. She just told him that all was fine and wished him and the other family members a happy New Year before her phone died. She would have liked to say goodbye at least, but her battery ran out before she was able to. Then, she fell into tears again, wondering why she was sabotaging her evening like this.
The joyful singing of her friends and the music resonated from the living room. It was 11:59 PM. Going downstairs now would probably attract curious looks. It was better to stay there, even though it would raise questions later. "Ten, nine, eight..." Ava wished it were her family’s joyous countdown she would hear. "Seven, six, five, four..." It was too late to join the others downstairs. Ava would count down alone. "Three, two, one... Happy New Year!" Her friends animatedly cheered, restarting the music to dance. Ava felt lost. She had to go downstairs now, but she needed an excuse, and above all, to stop crying like a toddler. Remaining seated, she was pulled out of her spiral of negative thoughts when someone knocked on the door. It was Pauline, leaning her head slowly through the door opening.
For a long time, there had been a palpable tension between Ava and Pauline, each feeling a hint of jealousy towards the other. Ava didn't understand why Pauline could envy her. Pauline was beautiful, intelligent, and determined, and boys liked her a lot. The opposite of herself, unsure and lost, knowing that this wasn't how she would attract male attention. Pauline and Ava had become friends in year nine when Pauline had just moved to London, and Ava and her friends had tried to welcome her. The following year, they found themselves in a class of seven girls and about twenty boys. Girls had to stick together, and so did Ava and Pauline. Or at least attempted to. That year had been very difficult for Ava, and she had partially blamed Pauline, which had created tension between them since then. Evidently, this tension intensified because of a boy. Ava found herself, perhaps even deliberately self-defeating again, amid a complicated story between Pauline and Stan. Although she had since completely forgotten Stan, she knew that it had made things uncomfortable between her and Pauline.
"Are you okay?" Pauline was trying to understand what was wrong. "Yes, everything's fine. Thank you." Ava replied. Although the two girls didn't particularly like each other, Pauline remained a kind person and genuinely cared about Ava. “Can I come sit next to you?” asked Pauline. As Ava remained in silence, Pauline slowly made her way next to the young lady, and, trying not to crease her long sparkly skirt, she sat next to her. The two girls remained in silence for a bit until Ava said:
“- I’m sorry…
- Sorry for what? Pauline wondered, knowing that Ava was always feeling guilty for everything she did, as if she would apologise for existing.
- I don’t know. Admitted Ava. I guess, for behaving like a child, again.”
Pauline did not answer; she did not know why Ava was feeling like this, but she knew that she had to give her space and wait for her to speak. When Pauline first met Ava, she only saw a friend in her, a nice girl introducing her to her group of friends. When they ended up in the same class the year after, alone in an environment of boys, Pauline felt threatened; she felt like to survive in this masculine environment, she would have to demarcate herself, to be the girl every guy likes, but she saw in Ava what she didn’t have. She saw Ava’s kindness, empathy, and intelligence, and most of all, she saw Ava’s beauty, something, even with hard work, she could never have. And this created so much tension between them. But now, when she looked at Ava, she didn’t feel jealous anymore. She didn’t see her as a threat. She didn’t fear the boys would want Ava and not her. She just feared they would want Ava, and she wouldn’t want her.
“I just feel weird.” Ava took a long, hesitant breath. Conflicted thoughts raced through her mind. She considered what she could tell Pauline, and what she couldn’t. “I just don’t feel good at all tonight, or yesterday, or tomorrow, or this year at all.” Her vision of the room was all blurry as she started to well up again. She felt so ashamed and vulnerable. God, why couldn’t she stop crying and ruining everyone’s party? Hiccuping through her tears, she tried to explain herself. “Since I got into university, I feel like I don’t belong there. But I guess I always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I wish I were like you.” She said, looking away, a bit ashamed of the lack of maturity of her remark. A long silence enveloped the two girls. Until Pauline answered.
“- You know, I never understood how you could dislike yourself so much. You don’t see what others see, Ava.”
She chuckled nervously; she never believed in others' compliments, and even less coming from Pauline. She always thought Pauline was hiding her true self behind this perfect girl image she was trying to convey. Ava thought of answering something, maybe just a thank you, to fake gratitude, but then, Pauline, not sure how she could help, gently took Ava’s hand into hers. Ava slightly flinched. A wave of warmth went through her body. Was it because she felt as if all the tensions between them were gone, as if they were only a fruit of her imagination, or did she feel something else? Something new, something she hadn’t felt before. Pauline never felt better than in this exact moment, when her eyes got lost in Ava’s hypnotic glance. Suddenly, Pauline thought of saying something. Did Ava feel the same, or did she feel uneasy sharing this intimate moment? She should say something. Pauline slightly opened her lips, ready to be true to herself and finally say what she felt, but the two girls were interrupted by someone knocking on the door.
It was James. Ava could not believe it. How did he manage to come? She immediately let go of Pauline’s hand, the furry heart falling gently on the ground, and ran into James' arms. Pauline remained seated, gently caressing her hand, which had only seconds ago held Ava’s warm hand. Ava could not even remember why she was sad in the first place; with a big smile on her face, she felt happy and confident in James' arms.
Ava ended up having one of the best New Year’s. Pauline ended up spending a long part of it alone in Sarah’s room. As she had assured Ava and James a few hours before, she just needed a bit of alone time, and she would join everyone back downstairs. Ava and James left to celebrate.
And there was Pauline, leaning on the radiator to keep her warm, hugging the heart pillow in her sparkly skirt. “Happy New Year”, she thought.