I still remember it.

You found me on the bathroom floor, and I was choked up, crying, black streaks of caterpillar lines running down my face from the trails of mascara that represented how messy my own life was. I was always the fuck up; the generational result of trauma. But then you came in, and you saved the day, what with your put together leather jacket “tough guy” act, polished shoes, fine-combed hair and a plan. You always had a plan. You were supposed to be the tough one; you were supposed to be the better one. I’m the fuck up with the bleached-out hair that probably bleached out my brain and fried it and that’s why I made the decisions I made.

But, then, you were gone.

And I was the one that was left to pick up the pieces.

–

Genesis heaved a sigh.

Another last day of school meant that it was another season that had come to an end, and another day of closing up shop early. She gathered the candles that littered about the store and put them back into their respective boxes, blowing out the puffs of smoke that lingered from them.

Of all the things that she thought her life would be, she didn’t think it would be this. Graduated with a fine arts degree that wouldn’t even get her a shitty job most days, so she was designated to working retail in the outskirts of her lazy, perpetually stuck-in-autumn hometown of Claramont. At least she owned the little vintage/boutique/bohemian? Place. Shortly after her Grandmother passed away, the will was handed down and declared that Genesis was put in the name of her store. So, even though the rest of her life was spiraling and going to shit, at least she could run her own business? Yay?

Genesis sighed again as she wrapped up the rest of the chandeliers and candelabras. So many fancy things with different names, trying to be pretentious, that people just loved to gobble up and eat so that they felt important. It was a hot-spot for the college kids, but now that everyone was going home for the holidays, it would undoubtedly hit a slow patch.

It didn’t matter.

Nothing had mattered the day that he had left her. And as much as she tried to be passionate about her work, and spent hours every day researching and cataloguing to try to make the business run better, more smoothly, she still knew it was just a distraction from what she really cared about. What she really wanted, and how she really wanted her life to go. After wrapping up the blueprints of another day’s plans, she walked home under dim lamplights, her autumn coat pulled close to her chest to fight the breeze of the oncoming winter, her hands occupied as she sipped from her drink and toggled with her playlist.

TV Girl lazily played through her headphones as she swung open the door to her little cottage (another gift her Grandmother had left behind, and another thing that tied her down to this town she wanted to move out of years ago), setting the ambience as she continued on with her usual nightly routine.

Cook some food (sauteed vegetables and red wine to feel productive), light some candles, and run a bubble bath. And then drown away her thoughts and sorrows with more blueprints and chronicles, fashion magazines, and sappy posterboards.

It was when she was flipping through another page, and doing exactly that, that she heard a tap on her bathroom window. What the fuck?

Genesis ignored it, but then it happened again another 5 seconds after. She was on the second floor, so whatever was tapping her window had to be intentional. She rolled her eyes and stepped out of the bath, soapy water dripping, and peered through the blinds.

And that was when her life changed.

–

There he was.

In the pale moonlight.

Like a fucking ghost.

She thought she might all but pass out.

So, instead, she did what any reasonable person would do. She ran downstairs and swung open the front door, running out, half-naked. “Jamie!?” she cried out.

But he was gone.

Genesis threw a hand to her face. Maybe she was imagining it. Was her life that devoid, that she was now going into psychosis and conjuring up images of her dead ex-boyfriend? She shook her head, but before she could turn back inside, she noticed a piece of paper on her welcome mat. She picked it up, and rolled it open slowly, and unsettingly, there it was:

Meet me at Dolly’s. Tomorrow. 9 pm sharp.

Love, Jamie.

–

There were too many things and too little things that Genesis felt all at once.

Excitement. Confusion. Frustration. Fear. Disbelief?

But, she knew all her questions would be answered tomorrow. So, instead, she stood in front of her mirror and curled her hair into perfect little curls, and applied her perfect little mascara, and straightened out her perfect little red dress. As if controlling all the parts of her appearance could make her feel more put together, put order and make sense of her life. As she stared at her reflection, she saw flashbacks.

Pin-straight white hair, bleached and damaged, falling at the ends.

Honey blonde hair that was highlighted and held together with perfection.

Rock t-shirt and black chipped fingernails, a bloody grin.

Perfectly pouty and lined red lips and freshly manicured nails.

Weed and acid and delusions running through her veins.

Antipsychotics and red wine and caffeine.

Would Jamie even recognize who she was anymore?

From who she was three years ago?

Did she even care anymore? Would it matter at all?

Her cell rang. Genesis breathed in a breath of fresh air and opened it.

“Heyyy, girl! So I have some exciting news… I think it’d go really well with your newest-”

“Jamie’s back,” Genesis blurted.

“What-”

“Yes. I know, I know, it sounds fucking crazy. But I saw him yesterday. And he left me a little note, and-and-”

“Babes, are you off your medicine again?”

“Beth. I am not fucking crazy!”

As much as she loved her best friend, she hated how she patronized her sometimes. And, Genesis was doing much better. Much, much better than she was three years ago. Okay? Much better than how Jamie had left her off, and what Jamie had seen her as…

“O- I never said you were. Okay, Genesis. I believe you.”

Genesis shook her head. “I told you he wasn’t dead. I told you, I found his little secret account on Facebook and everything. His new life that he made up for himself. He just wanted to get away from everyone.”

“But why?”

Because Genesis was that fucking insufferable.

“I don’t know, Beth! You know Jamie’s always been a free spirit. But I’m sure he’ll explain everything to me over dinner tonight.”

“Okay, Gen. Just be safe. Okay. Please?”

Genesis nodded. “I will be, I promise.”

“Pinky swear?”

“And I pinky double swear.”

–

Genesis had been sitting at that table for so long, she finally called for the check.

She shook her head. Stupid. She was so stupid. So stupid to have hope. So stupid to think that, now, after all this time… he’d show up again. That he’d want her back. Like what? They’d have that little fairy-tale happily ever after they always wanted, and he’d whirl her away from her painfully dull, fucked up but not so fucked up life, like her knight in shining armor? No. Of course not. So she slapped down the check, and stood up, brows knit as fancy jazz music accentuated all the happy, laughing couples around her.

Genesis was fucking stupid. And it was time she’d moved on. She’d install Tinder again, or something. Have another casual hookup or fling for a couple weeks, pretend that she cared about their favorite flavor of vegan bagel. Maybe she’d even meet another insufferable Tom and go with him to his boujee little matcha place every Wednesday just to feel like her life was special.

But just as she started to walk out of the door, she saw him. Again, like another ghost. And her breath caught in her throat. Because he was even more beautiful than the last time she’d seen him.

“I-”

It was like, all those moments, all those times that she had to think about this one moment, to think about what she’d say and what she’d do if she ever saw him again. All that planning she had made up in her head; it came right back down to nothing when she saw him.

So she just froze. And stared.

And he stared back.

And then, Genesis started to run towards him. Her eyes were trained on him from across the room. “Jamie- Jamie!”

But, before she could reach him, a few people got in her way, walking across the bar. And even though her eyes were trained on him the whole time, once she’d gotten to the door, he had disappeared again. Like a tendril of ghost, lost to the night.

A ghost she was always chasing, and wanting, the high of him.

And Genesis cursed herself. Because she was so close, she had tasted him on her tongue, and then he’d slipped away; like the last bits of popsicle melting away on your tongue, cooling it and leaving nothing but longing once it evaporated.

–

Genesis spent the next two nights in a haze.

A grandeur.

She still went to work, catalogued some more, sold a couple trinkets and new fragrances in spite of herself. But then, as soon as she got home, she’d go back to doing the same thing again: scribbling. Drawing the way he looked, writing what he’d said, anything to remind herself that what had happened was real.

That she had not lost it. That she wasn’t going crazy. That she’d actually seen him.

Rinse, water, rinse. Chug one pill, two. Look in the mirror at herself, blink twice. Pull down to see the whites of her eyes. She was fine.

Rinse, water, rinse. Draw. Chug. Take your medicine. Turn off the lights. Sleep. You’re fine.

Rinse, water, rinse. Sell another thing. Sleep. Chug. You’re fine.

But she didn’t see him again. Not outside her window. No more mysterious notes.

“Hey, Genesis… are you okay?? We missed you at the get-together. Just wanted to, uh, you know, check up on you. Miss ya. Uh, call me when you can, okay? Pinky swear? The best, Beth.

Genesis shook her head. This night, she threw down her pen and notebook. Jumped into her car. Forced herself to turn on the engine. And drove to that cliff for the first time in three years, where it all happened.

–

His fingers…

They were all over me. Tracing patterns on my skin as he whispered sweet nothings. It felt electric to the touch. Every slight brush of his fingers, his soft lips, his kisses that billowed into her like promises of summer rain in a drought and lilies when you asked for daffodils.

“I love you… Genesis…”

His fingers, crawling inside of me…

Electricity hitting me like ice; as he went inside me…

–

I gasped.

I stepped outside of my car. Onto the rocky cliff. And sucked in a deep breath of air. The night tasted salty, it tasted like oceans of regret. It was dark, and blue, and the only light came from the slight sliver of the moon. I stepped forward, rocks and shells crunching under my feet, and forced myself to stare out from the cliff.

A tear slid down my face.

It hit the surface of the water. And that was when, I saw him too.

His reflection, peering back up at me. I whipped around, and he was there.

–

He kept pushing inside of me, pulling out, pushing back in. Pummeling me like a hammer did to glass, shattering me more and more with each stroke. I let out a cry, a gasp, a moan.

And that was when, I exploded,

Everywhere,

from all sides,

with ecstasy.

And I knew I’d fallen into a spiral, right then, that I might not ever be able to recover from.

And that was when… I knew…

“I love you, Jamie,” I whispered back, my back curling into his as he finished, the warmth of us being one enveloping me, as he collapsed onto me with a soft grunt. And pressed back my hair, and planted a warm kiss on my forehead, where he promised,

“I’ll always be yours, Genesis.”

So, then, why had you left me?

–

“Why did you leave me, Jamie?” I cried. Tears rolling down my face as I choked it out.

He was there. He was finally there, in front of me. And all I wanted was to touch him again; to feel his soft skin, to kiss his baby-soft lips, to brush back his dirty blonde hair and -

“You know why, Genesis… I never did.”

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut.

“You have to tell yourself the truth now, Genesis. Please, for me?”

He took a step closer to me.

“Can I- no-”

I swear I felt the whisper of his hand brushing back my hair, but it was just the wind. Because, all I wanted, was to embrace him, and I couldn’t. “Can I hug you now, Jamie?” I cried, pleaded. It was all I wanted, just to feel the warmth of his touch. To feel him there again, to feel him with me. To feel skin. To feel something, to know that it was real. That all of this was real, and that it meant something, and I wasn’t just imagining it.

“You know I’d love it if you could, Genesis…” he held open his arms, and I wanted to sink into them, but when I did, it was just empty air. So I hugged myself again, and cried.

–

I sat at the bottom of the cliff now, my toes touching the water as the waves gently rolled up to my feet. I closed my eyes. And inhaled.

And for the first time, I forced myself to think back on that night. To remember what really happened. Because, maybe then, if I believed it, I could be baptized. Baptized in this very water.

We were laughing, and running, and he kissed me. And I kissed him. And then, I had the wonderful idea.

“Let’s take pills,” I said with a giggle, all burnt white hair like birch trees and crazy green eyes. And holding out a hand to him, and laughing, and he agreed. Because who could say no to that pretty little face? And we both took maybe a little too much, and drank a little too much, and it made our usual activities feel like fire.

When he was inside of me, it was just fireworks and warmth and explosions; and it was everything and more. And I was drowning in it, and then he was drowning. And, “Jamie, why won’t you wake up?”

He wasn’t breathing, like water filled his lungs, and stupid stupid me tried to perform CPR on him by this very body of water instead of calling for help. And if I had called for help, maybe he’d still be here this day. Maybe I could still hug him, and touch him, like I’d asked.

But he was flailing, he was a fish, with no gills, and he was sinking underwater.

And it was my fault; I was the shark…

And they shunned me. And then I shunned myself like I shunned the dirty pills on my floor.

–

“Hey, Genesis. It’s, uh, your best friend again. Um, just wondering if you’ll be coming to this next dinner that we have? You know, we’ll be playing a bunch of games and having your favorites. You should come. We haven’t seen you in a while, and we’re really getting worried about you. Um, yeah, catch up with me when you can…”

Beep.

I laid sprawled out on my wooden floor, my eyes blinking up at the ceiling. Counting the shapes and tiles. Counting the catalogues, the fragrances. Fragrance number 9? Warm auburn honey? Was that the one I just sold? Red wine spilled out beside me, or was it blood? My honey amber curls, or was it the bleach that burned through to my brain?

And, the cherry picked pills spilling from their contents.

Or was it Jamie?

He’s standing above me now, and I see him, spread-eagle, like a ghost. Or maybe he was an angel this time. And as the cherry-picked pills spill from my lips, I wonder if I’ll finally taste his sweet, sweet, cold liquor lips again.