Chasing Shadows

A Tale of Lost Adolescence

By: Kaiden G. Stone

Did you ever have one of those days as a young kid, when you wished you simply didn’t exist, or you felt you was of no importance to any one.

I had many days like this, as I grew up in the care system. There was one particular day that was with doubt one of the worst days of my childhood.

It was 1982, I was eleven years old. Just thinking about it. I can close my eyes,and it was as if it happened yesterday.

The Falkland’s War was on the t.v. the news was constantly showing it for a long time. This was also the day when I was jumped on and beaten up by three other kids in the school playground.

However, like most situations in my life at that time. I would always be accused of causing trouble to get attention. But I wasn’t the sort of kid that looked for trouble, as it was always some where waiting for me. As I was bullied a lot as a kid.

It wasn't until I returned home after school that day, that things went from bad to a whole lot worse. I had a feeling that I was going to be in for a load of verbal abuse.

As usual my gut feeling wasn't wrong, as later that evening, I was given a very stern talking to. And was also accused of actually starting the fight. Then I had the hard sole of an old slipper smacked across the back of my bare legs, as I wore my school shorts at the time.

So you can imagine, it hurt like hell, and stung like tree branches been whacked across your legs. I was then sent to my dorm room ;where I laid on my bed for over an hour.

Until I got up, washed my hands and sat down at the dining table ready for my evening meal.

My legs burned from the strikes on my bare legs, which now had bright red welts around my calf muscles. I sat there slowly eating my meal, whilst my mind went crazy amidst the noise and chatter of the other kids that were sat around me.

As they argued over the newest football stickers, after a box of them were found ready to be thrown away. It was a big thing swapping stickers at that period of time in the mid 1980's.

It was during my evening meal that I came to the long overdue conclusion, that enough was enough. I realised that I wasn't going to take it any more. I had to escape, before something even worse happened to me. Or I did something to someone, out of rage or anger.

I wasn't going to let the bullies and those that abused me mentally and physically win any more. After finishing my meal, I went back to my dorm room. Where I also found three other boys I shared the dorm with, sat waiting for me.

One of them was a year older than me and the other two kids were I think slightly younger than I was. I sat down on my bed, I looked at all three of them. And I think they had similar thoughts in their minds as I did. Because they had also been given a hard time during the period they'd been there.

After I'd spent about half an hour or so telling them what I wanted to do, and how I felt. They surprisingly seemed to be all for it. As they'd had enough of the place.

So, apart from the fact that all four of us, we're going through the processes of the care system. The main thing we all had in common, was the fact that we wanted out of that same system, that we felt trapped in.

That night, we sat around our beds and hatched out a plan, so we could get out of the orphanage for good.

We pulled all the white sheets from our beds, along with those itchy gray blankets. That was usually on our beds folded up.

They were used to build a makeshift tent structure. Using the bed bases to keep it together. One of the boys managed to sneak out of the dorm.

He went to the cleaning room, and brought back a sweeping brush handle, which we used to hold the sheets up, so we could all sit on the beds underneath. That way we'd have space to move around as well.

There are a few minutes of that night's escape plan preparations that are a bit hazy.

But I think we had a single torch that someone stole from the caretaker's tool box. And, for some bizarre reason. I also remember three coloured pens.

We drew out a rough plan, and worked out set points where we had to avoid being detected, by someone looking out of any of the windows that faced opposite our dorm room.

We didn't want anyone seeing us heading across the courtyard.

It took about an hour to put the plan together. Whilst we listened out for night staff, as they carried out checks on the bedroom sand dorms.

We took the odd toilet break, and ate a few biscuits we had. It seemed as though it took us two hours to put it together.

And so it was set. We had a plan, and knew what exit point we were using.

So, all we needed to do now was to decide what night, and put the plan into action.

However, there were three things we had to do before that.

First, we had to monitor the shits and hors the night staff were rostered on.

Second, we had to put together a small school satchel, so we could take the basics, such as snacks and water. In case we got hungry or thirsty.

We already had a torch, even though it flicked on and off constantly. But it was all we had, so we had to make do.

And thirdly. One of us had to damage the external wall light, which was usually turned on manually by the night staff, when it began to get dark.

So, we decided to draw straws ; or in our case, pieces of cotton thread pulled from the bed sheets.

Guess who ended up with the nerve racking task? Yes, me.

I waited until no-one was around. I think it was about 9:30 p.m. when I very slowly creeped out of the dorm to the rear door that led outside. Once I reached the wall where the light was situated.

I grabbed two decent sized rocks, then threw them one at a time as hard as I could.

The first one just bounced off. I hid behind the wall, in case someone heard the noise, and looked out of one of the windows.

Thankfully no one did. The second rock did the job. I launched it like a solid round sling shot. It hit the light dead center which created a big hole, which also fused the light. Job done.

Suddenly, I heard a noise, so I darted around the corner. I peard around briefly just it time to see someone from the kitchen throwing out daily food waste.

The cooks always cleaned down the kitchen, and cleaned the ovens once a week.

I had to get back into the building without anyone seeing me. The only way in, was over an old broken fence, and then through some bramble bushes and nettles, which luckily we're only at knee height.

After I traversed the bushes, getting thorns stuck in my top in the process. I reached the rear entry door that led up to a small stairway. That went up two floors, onto a small corridor.

I ran up the two flights of stairs, as fast as I could, so no one could see me. I closed the door quietly and crept onto a corridor and walked cautiously to the opposite end.

There was another door, which led to another small single flight of stairs, out onto a corridor, where my dorm was.

As I walked down the corridor, I realised I was breathing really heavily. I started panicking. Thinking that I might be heard or seen.

After I calmed down my breathing. I made my way down the single flight of stairs. I had to pass three other rooms along the way. One of which was a double entry wooden doored apartment that had frosted glass panels on one side.

And a kind of wooden lattessing on the opposite side. It was actually an apartment used by one of the permanent care staff.

Which had an extra bedroom, for staff's visiting families.

As I passed, I suddenly stopped, then stepped back a few paces. But not too far, as I didn't want anyone in the apartment to be able to see my silhouette through the frosted glass.

I stood there, as music played from inside the room. I recognised it instantly.

It was a single from an album by the Punk band the Clash, called ‘Should I stay, or Should I go ’. I had only just begun to listen to music of that genre, and I was also a Blonde fan at the time. I was only 11.

I loved listening to the music that was played in the apartment. As it made me feel happy, and cheered me up a bit, when I felt down.

I used to imagine that I was dancing on Top of the Pops, which was a very popular music programme on T. V. at the time, in the early years of my childhood.

After I'd spent a few minutes pondering over my music tastes. I remembered that I could be caught at any time.

So I headed back towards the dorm, I reached the door and tapped lightly on the top of the frame, so the boys knew it was me.

I knew the plan the four of us had set out was solid, and that we were ready to get out and find somewhere we thought at the time would be safer.

I got into bed, and tried with bated breath to go to sleep. Luckily, the boys had put all the sheets back on the beds, and threw the sweeping brush handle under one of the beds, out of sight.

All we had to do then, would be to get through the next day, without major issues. Which wasn't always easy, when you were in a children's orphanage.

Friday morning came, and after having breakfast, we got dressed in our school uniforms then headed off to do our usual mundane lessons, and school activities.

The day seemed to drag, and all I could think about was getting home and then it was just a matter of waiting for us to go to sleep,and prepare for what was to come.

Before I knew it, the home time bell had rung, and it was a mad dash scramble to get my school blazer satchel and coat. Then meet up with the others, so we could walk home together.

By the time we had our evening meal, and our baths and evening ritual attitude adjustment lecture from the main carer. A very strict no nonsense kind of woman.

We all sat on the floor near a freshly made coal fire: chatting amongst ourselves.

Me, and another boy from our dorm group gave each other a few sly glances, as a gesture for us all to sit together.

After a few minutes the staff members walked out of the room, and went into another area of the building out of sight briefly.

We huddled together. I recall that we had ginger biscuits, and hot chocolate that evening, which was only allowed towards the end of the week. And we shared a bag of crisps, but I couldn't eat them. They were ready salted, the ones that you used to get a small blue bag of salt to put in the bag yourself.

We were constantly clock watching, as we began counting the minutes, before we were marched off to our beds.

The time seemed to really drag that evening. Some 80’s style sitcom was on the T.V. and I heard the sound of younger kids playing board games around us.

As they giggled and fussed over who’s turn it was to pick a colour or character in the game.

The crackling and hissing of the fire, along with the general noise drove me mad.

All I wanted to do was go to our dorm room.

It was 10:30 p.m. before we actually ended up going to bed. They sometimes let us go to bed later on a weekday. If it was near the weekend.

I think we slept for an hour or two, as it rained. I woke up as rain bounced off the window. I slowly woke the rest of them up, quietly.Then once they had got their heads together. We made sure we had all our provisions together. And checked any zips that might have been open ; as we didn’t want to lose any of our food supplies.

We put on every jumper we had, so we’d either be too hot or too cold. Then we put a pair of trousers on, and some old shoes. Then headed for the sash window. I opened it, while the others waited hesitantly as they whispered amongst themselves. They were as nervous as I was at the time.

In the backs of our minds we knew that if we were caught by someone as we tried to run away. Our lives would not be worth living.

Suddenly, there was a noise from the corridor.

‘Shhhh’! ‘quiet’. One of them said.

A horrible feeling of dread went straight through me. I felt it right in the pit of my stomach. I felt sick, and started to panic, and shake uncontrollably. I suddenly realised that my hands were still holding onto the sash window, which began to shake.

It was then when I felt the hard grip of someone’s hands around my wrists. As one of the boys tried to stop me from making any more noise. Thankfully, it was okay.

There had been no one in the corridor alerted to any noise from our dorm. So we carried on with the task at hand.

I was first out. Then the others climbed slowly out. It was on the ground floor. So it was only a drop of a few feet at the most.

One by one, we ran across the courtyard, up two small concrete steps. Until we reached the main road.

It took us about 20 minutes to get to the main road, at the top of the long driveway. But it felt like over an hour. As we were countlessly looking, and listening out for

any one that might have seen us, or been alerted by what we were doing. The road was usually busy with traffic during the day.

Luckily for us, not much traffic tended to pass by at that time of night.

We reached the top, then turned left.

None of us were really sure where we were heading at the beginning. We just knew that certain areas where we lived had a lot of open spaces; between the specific location of the orphanage. And the point we intended to reach first.

Without arousing suspicion or attracting unwanted attention.

Every chance we got, we ducked into a doorway, or behind a fence somewhere; so we could keep out of sight for a few minutes.

There were a couple of specific locations that if we could reach, we'd be able to hide out for a while, to keep warm. Until we could decide which way to travel next.

So, we trudged on, chasing Shadows as we went.

After about an hour and a half, we managed to reach an area which happened to have a house there that all of us knew quite well. It actually belonged to the orpahnage's maintenance man.

He'd taken us there one time, so I briefly remembered its location. But we just happened to come across it. Which was lucky as it had just started raining again

Which was lucky for us. It had a shed in the bottom of an overgrown garden. That had loose wooden slats, so we would be able to squeeze underneath.

There was a minimal source of light, so the garden had plenty of tree for cover as we entered. And we'd exit the same way later on, to avoid detection from neighboring houses.

I think we slept for an hour or so, while it rained. Then we gathered our things. Our stomachs were rumbling, so I took a few items of food out; some crisps, chocolate bars and we shared a bottle of water.

We knew that we still had a lot of walking to do, so we didn't eat too much of our food supplies. So we tried to conserve what little we had between us.

The next morning we headed out.

We jumped over a fence into a field nearby. The ground was sodden from the recent rain.

We ran across, and were suddenly startled by some horses, but we carried on running, until we reached a broken metal boundary fence on the opposite side.

I almost slipped on a big pile of horse shit. By the time we managed to get over the fence. We stopped to rest for a few minutes. As our legs ached.

After a slight group debate, we decided to head across a main road. Which I hoped would lead us somewhere we could stay out of sight.

Eventually we stumbled across an industrial complex, where they made cement.

By this time, I was shivering from the cold conditions. And started to become really anxious. The temperature had dropped a lot, we were soaking wet and cold.

The realisation that we were all really lost, and also probably going to catch hypothermia or some other illness., which wasn't a great thought.

I began to panic even more, by this point.

I could tell that the others were beginning to get frustrated and fed up of me and my

constantly complaining.

I didn’t know what we were going to do and I knew that if we went back, or got caught by the police. We'd be in for some serious punishment.

Needless to say, from then on things really started to fall apart for us.

The arguing over who was carrying the satchel began. And we were all very angry and emotional.

I just didn't want to be out in the cold any more. So we set out to find a place under cover to warm ourselves up.

Eventually, after trudging around for at least another half an hour, we came across a two storey block of apartments, in a very suburban area.

It just happened to have a broken entrance door; which meant we didn't have to use the intercom to gain entry.

We snuck our way in, being careful not to draw attention to our presence. We made our way up to the second floor, without any major issues.

One of the boys found an old metal bucket on one of the stairwells. A lighter was pulled out of the satchel. I think it belonged to a trainee social worker,

It was then, when we did something really risky. When you take into account our then predicament.

I guess in hindsight it was stupid, but at the time necessary, because of our situation

I gathered together a pile of junk mail that was half sticking out of some of the letterboxes. The usual stuff, takeaway flyers and food vouchers.

We threw in an old tatty welcome mat, and then just sat there for a few minutes.

Constantly worrying about the smoke.

After we'd warmed our hands. We decided to move on again. So we had to put out the fire. But we didn't have any water left. As we'd drunk all we had.

So, the only way to put out the bin fire was by urinating on it. And that's what all

did. And once we'd doused the flames enough. We headed out again.

Almost an hour later, we were still wandering around not knowing where to go or what we'd do when we got there.

Suddenly we came across a row of really posh looking houses. They were mock Tudor in design. I didn't know that then. But I learnt later on in my life what style was.

You know the type, white painted front with black wooden horizontal criss cross lattasing.

They were the types of houses that people who had big bank accounts tended to live in. Driveways, with two or three cars or a camper van; customised Harleys or Norton motorbikes.

This one house even had a speedboat on a trailer with large wheels.

Eventually, we reached an old church, it had a small graveyard but the lights in the area made it hard to see too much. We came to the conclusion that we were fighting a losing battle. And after a couple of heated arguments, and tears of frustration from me.

I decided enough was enough. I managed to find a phone box, then I rang the only number that was free of charge. 999.

Needless to say, the police switchboard handler on the other end of the phone was not happy with us.

It turned out that no-one from the orphanage knew we were missing

However, we'd been spotted by a regular visitor to the orphanage a few hours earlier so they called the police.

They had been searching for us all over, and just kept missing us each time we moved. When they asked us where we'd been. Through the gaps of me crying, and also shivering from the cold temperatures.

I simply said. ‘All over the place, trying to keep out of sight, most of the time.

‘Just chasing shadows’.

As you can imagine, the officers that turned up were not impressed by our actions. We were put into the back of a police car and driven back. Once we'd reached the driveway to the orphanage.

We all looked at each other, almost as if we were all thinking the same thing. The car pulled onto the main courtyard area.

My stomach churned, and I felt sick, as I saw a member of staff waiting for us, and I knew what was to come.