This is a disclaimer. Believers, I am not here to harsh your vibe, ruin your faith, or any of that.

I studied theology and did fairly well at it, but in the end it's like being an expert in the rules of a table-top RPG: useful among others playing by the same rules, and that's about it.

What I am doing is documenting my own journey, and my feelings at the time. (Just for a spoiler, as my bio shot says, I've been a fervent believer, and a fervent disbeliever; now I just wonder.)

What you're about to read is a small piece of the large, unruly, and seemingly impossible-to-finish autobiography I've been working on.

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(Author's Note: The real name of one "prophet" is used here: that of Barry Smith. I can fairly conclusively say he was wrong, since he's dead, and lots of stuff has not happened.)

(Author's Other Note: Assemblies Of God in Australia became Australian Christian Churches a few years back.)

Quote from the 2003 version of the AOG in Queensland's Doctrinal Statement:

"14. GIFTS: WE BELIEVE in the present day operation of the nine supernatural gifts of the Holy Spirit, as recorded in 1 Corinthians 12. We also believe in the ministry gifts of Christ, as recorded in Ephesians 4:11- 13."

Ah, the prophets! Now, these days, the operators in AOG and pentecostal circles who work this particular schtick don't tend to call themselves "prophets", but the hype precedes them... "Oh, Herb Bugginfluggle is coming to town. He's got a real gift of prophecy, and he's doing a week of meetings at Living Stream Of Platitudes Church."

So they go along, in the hope that the gifted preacher will pick them. They get all excited. The sheer will to be part of a prophecy just shines off of 'em. Herb will have no problem gesturing to an excited knot of keen types in the crowd, as he casts around for prey.

Of course, it isn't all cold-reading. I can pretty-well identify the methods used by a certain visiting "prophet" on your very own author.

I have a fairly unusual first name. Let's imagine for a moment that I'm called Eustace Black III. Now, you'd be quite shocked to be standing in the knock-'em-down prayer queue, and hear this bloke, who's never met you before, say, "I've always wanted to meet Eustace's Dad." (Especially when Eustaces Mk I and Mk II have checked out for the long dirt nap years ago.)

Woo-woo-woo! Reality is suspended, and Daffy Duck runs whooping through the corridors of my mind, caroming off walls and doors. What, me, unmarried me, late-term bachelor me, father of a yet ANOTHER bloody Eustace? Gee whiz, after my Grandad, Dad, and then me, I really thought I would never put that name on a kid of mine.... perhaps God is telling me to forgive them (for being such a pair of violent, generally-'orrid bastards, details omitted)... Ooh, good feelings. This is God saying I'll find a wife and have sproglets and have a respectable, normal, life....

*****Now hang on one cotton-pickin' moment*****

Now this would be the same visiting prophet type who's currently staying with Elder Hardiman, and who is using Hardiman's daughter and her fiance as his support team? He's probably asked them who that ugly-but-earnest-looking bloke was, and gotten a thumbnail sketch of my character.

Do this for a few people, add some cold-reading, and you've got the usual mentalist act. What's more, who's going to cry out "BULLSHIT!" in the middle of a crowd of fanatics?

************

Then there's the Big Picture Prophets. I clearly remember the night in 1999 when Barry Smith came to town. My piddly little bible college cancelled lectures for the evening, and we were to go. It was Required.

I sat near the back, with Gitarzan, a fellow student minister from another college. We were both pretty good theologians, and a tad skeptical of Barry's broad-brush Doom Is Nigh approach: every biblical blunder he made (and he was misquoting the book of Revelation all over the shop) we were on top of him, but of course we did it quietly.

There were bucketloads of predictions that didn't need biblical research skills, too:

* Within weeks of that night, the Omega satellite navigation system would have reached the 1024-weeks-in-operation mark. All of a sudden, planes would fall from the sky, ships be grounded and thousands would die.

* The Y2k bug would happen on the changeover mark between 1999 and 2000. Suddenly cash in computerised accounts would become worthless, and governments would join together (in what was to eventually become a unified World Government) and issue personal markings so that people could access New Money. Of course these would take the form of tattoos in the hand or forehead....ooh spooky! Oh dear, didn't this first get prophesied in 1985, and get revised frequently? Oh, that's right, it was in "Second Warning" by Barry R. Smith - First Published: 1985 - Chapter 1: Cash Will Crash In A Flash.

* There was a batch of stuff that would happen, leading to the return of JC by 2004.

Nah. Didn't happen.

So what happens to these guys when the predictions go pear-shaped? Generally nothing. It pays to work the game away from home.

I'd almost advocate stoning one or two of them, at least with squishy, stale fruit.