Say My Name?

by Mark Wynn

"Me nombre es Mar'wynn!"

"Heyman" is growing on me, as long as it's not pronounced "Hyman"..either way it's better than Mark. I've never felt like a Mark inside and isn't that something to consider? I appreciate it for that matter.

You hear the name "Heyman", you think that's a man with a history, like WHY did he never return from his Rumschpringe? And then you hear his middle name's "Adventure"? That's a story teller. Remember Commander McBragg on "Rocky and Bullwinkle?" He once fought off a pack of WOLVES with only his car keys! That's what I'm talking about! Never forget.

You hear "Mark" and you think his dad glanced at the linoleum floor and saw a scuff that inspired him. I guess I could've been called "Blotch."

Let's talk about Wynn for a minute. That wasn't without it's pitfalls. How many times a teacher would call out Mark Wine? I would answer in the loudest whining voice possible and say, "It's pronounced WINNNN" no one ever laughed. That's why I hated these people.

The reason I never grew fond of Mark started early. Little annoyances like everyone always asks, "Do you spell that with a C?" Let me state, you should have the responsibility as a "Marc" to point out it's with a C. Not the other way around. K is always the way. No one ever asked in 50 years, "Is that with a K?"

Other reasons I suspect "Mark" never grew on me was something mom called "Dutchy". IDK exactly what that meant but it might have been mom's way of saying,"Elocution was not in the curriculum." but it was always said with a tilt of the head and a look of acceptance. To pass this "Dutchy" it took speech therapy...

Idk there's something about the letter R that seems to trip up white kids like me to the point adults labelled us! "Dutchy" like we're a group a husky umpa lumpa! Watch out for those ones.

I guess if people asked, "Do you spell that with an "RRRRRRRR?" I would lose my shit! You know that's a permanent impediment to my mastery of Spanish. That and my disregard of "tense". I speak like a Spanish Frankenstein. Which is obviously beautiful in its own way.


So I was "Dutchy" and years and years later I was casually informed, "Oh , you didn't make a sound til you were 5 years old." Like these are things you need to know about yourself early on! That's what people today refer to as fucked up. The kid and the situation....I remember they tried to warn mom. I'm not kidding it's the only thing that remains. A 3rd grade report card literally warning mom.

But anyway everyone always asks, "Why don't you use your middle name?" But it's worse. It's Allen misspelled Alan. That's the genesis of "Adventure Wynn", if the cannables eat me before I eat them I hope it reads,

The A was for Adventure.

Mark. The only time I feel comfortable named Mark in all my imperfections, is when I am very occasionally in a group with a John and a Mathew. But other than that, never. I know some people will say "You think you got a terrible name what about mine?" Yeah your name is ridiculous but you didn't need speech therapy to learn to say it?

Mark. Ugh I still cant stand the way that feels in the back of my throat. There's no room for it. It just gets forced into my sinuses and that's my name. Whatever that sound is...half strangled. I've learned here it works best if you just leave the K off. That's the Chilean way, "cómo Mar' Anthony!"


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