Alabama Hicks and Chicks With Big Dicks

by Delphino


An Alabama roughneck tells his life story while dying behind bars.

I remember my oldest memory vividly. I was 6 years old being confronted by a spook feller who was demanding I give him his beans back. He kept saying "You eat my beans nigga!" as to which I responded "Kachiga ma nigga. I ain't seen yo beans now get that chocolate booty outta here before I do the shooty shooty!" I ain't never seen a kid run so fast in his life. After that I went to the Walmart to get some beans. You see all we ever eat round here are beans cause we's disgusting white folk. There's been this plague spreading about, we wigger folk call the spook daddies, or spook bitches depending on their sexual orientation. It was soon Christmas and we was all gonna go to church cause church you see was where the boys hung and I aint talking bout no testicles no sir. We left them niggas behind. There ain't no room for sex in the church mama always said. Then she got herself knocked up in the coat room so I guess we all just hippo crips as daddy used to say.

Anyways one day we was in church singing our church songs and some spook fellers came in and started wrapping. Now I thought they was talking about candy wrappers but no sirey. They was talking about some new kind of devils music. We had to burn the church down after that along with some crosses in them fine men's yards. Mama said it was to burn the satan outta them. I never really did understand what she meant by that but them nice folk with their devils music never showed their faces round here again. Daddy said they jumped town, whatever that meant. I couldn't jump more than 2 feet and these guys is jumping a whole town? Guess it was one of those things I wouldn't understand till I was older just like the thing where daddy sticks his weenie in my pooper. Later in life he said it was to relieve my constipation which was just a fancy word for not being able to go poo and he was right. After that whenever my lil sister had constipation I'd do the same thing to her and she said I did it just like daddy. Couple years later them spook folk just kept moving in despite mamas efforts in burning crosses in them yards. Soon we had to move outta Alabama cause mama said the child services were coming which was a government organization that stole children and barbequed them at their annual cookouts. After that we moved to some place called West Virginia. Daddy said that there ain't no East Virginia cause them Union cocksuckers done blown it up in the Civil War.

We was starting high school and one of the things they taught us was American history. They said that them spook folk came on big boats to America to pick cotton candy but daddy always said that they was chimpanzees native to the land and when the wigger folk came, we taught them to be civilized. I still think they's chimpanzees though, even with their fancy devil's music. We also had 2 world wars. Teacher man said that the second one was caused by Hitler who killed all these long nosed folk but daddy said he done nothing wrong and was just trying to keep the race nice and strong. After that daddy said he was gonna homeschool us cause them schools were run by the government which fed us lies like the Earth is round. He always said that if the Earth was round why don't the toilet water fall out the toilets in Australia when you flush In America and why don't them aeroplanes fly straight into outer space?

When I was 17, Sissy was only 8 and swear to our good lord Jesus that we was the only kids in the entire trailer park that could read and write. Cept for that autism kid Jiminy of course. He ain't gonna be able to do much of anything according to Mrs. Smith, cause he aint got no arms, legs, brain, or dick. He was the human equivalent of a chicken nugget and mama warned Mrs. Smith that if she weren't careful, the government would snatch him up and eat him. One thing we did know bout was all them conspiracies the government done told us like the moon landing was fake. Everyone knows the moon is just a big projection of a golf ball and there weren't nothing landing on that thing cept for aliens maybe which were only the size of a ant and would steal young ladies virginities if they didn't eat their carrots and taters. None of the other kids was able to grasp those concepts cause they was too feeble minded mama said.

When I turned 18, daddy got me a job at them coal mines. Said that I'd develop black lung and it would be good for me cause we millenials had no grit. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" he said. He died a month later. After that it was just me, sissy, and mama. Me and Sissy were always fucking cause we was the only 2 kids in the trailer park with AIDS. Gary the gay kid don't count though cause mama said all gays are born with AIDS and gonna burn in hell. Mama was planning on burning a cross in his yard too cause he was a ¼ black but Mr. Simmons, the one running the place said it would be bad for community morale.

Guess I got Sissy knocked up and she had little Bubby at the age of 9. He had blue eyes and blonde hair just like his daddy but he had an extra nipple and 2 extra legs right below his normal ones. Mama thought it was a spawn of the devil and the first thing he done did was crawled up the ceiling like a lil spider. Doc said we had to put him down though cause he was all blue and screaming really loudly. Turns out he was born without lungs or any internal organs at all. Me and Sissy never messed around again after that unless one of us was constipated.

When I was 23, mama passed away cause she got real sick and wouldn't go to the doctors cause she was convinced the government was after her and paid off all the hospitals to put cameras in her eyeballs and stick lemons in her butt. It was real hard for me and Sissy after that and when Mr. Simmons died, new management took over and the new boss weren't real nice and kicked us out cause we didn't pay no rent. Turns out we was supposed to be paying money to Mr. Simmons but he just done didn't care. All he cared about was grooming his mustache which he named Bill and this fancy thing his doc called dementia which I done figured meant he was demented which would've explained why he'd always kill those lil babies and barbeque em in his front yard.

Some fellow that I couldn't see was snooping around one day. He offered me a position in the marines as I was a nice white fella. I broke the news to Sissy that I was going to Iraqistan to fight the big fight against them caramel colored folk who blowed up the brother towers. I would be making lots of money and she could finally stop selling her body to that old guy who always dressed up as big bird from sesame street.

I wasn't too sure about joining at first cause daddy always said the military was a place for orphans to get their balls cut off and sent to fight wars they had nothing to do with but it paid real nice and so far the only thing that's been cut off was my hair. While fighting the heathen bastards, I met Lenny, he was also a nice white fella that burned crosses in his youth. We got along real nice and even got matching swastika tattoos on our left shoulders. Then one day he done shot himself in the foot by accident and hopped off into god knows where. Never did see Lenny again. Maybe the government cut his ding dong off like papa said they would. I went on for 2 more tours and met lots of nice white folk that like shooting them butterscotch boys just as much as I did. When I got back I tried to find Sissy and apparently she got herself a nice man who had a boat and owned a skyscraper. She met him at a flat earth convention and he built his fortune by telling fortunes. He told me that I'd die in prison from AIDS and I couldn't agree more.

Now I was living in a nice apartment cause Sissy always would give me money. I done got a nice job at the Walmart greeting nice people and life was good. We had a couple of beggars in our hood but I never saw why I had to give em anything. They's just degenerate scum succumbing to natural selection is all. I also started to go to church again to sing them nice church songs but this time without any of the devil's music. Sissy kept on sending me money and on the weekends I'd down 24 cans of bub light and skeet shoot em right there in my front lawn with my 12 gauge. It was all fun and games until I shot my neighbor Phil in the back but it was all good cause he was too drunk to even feel it. Instead he continued to lure kids into his van with chicken tendies to harvest their parts for his sausage festival next week in his basement. The cops let me off easy though since I did shoot a sexual offender and said I had to go to AA which stood for alcoholics anonymous although there was nothing anonymous about it. Half my neighborhood was there and my uncle flint who used to sword fight me with his weiner when I was a youngin. I didn't know what the purpose of that place was but it might as well been asseaters eating ass cause that's all we ever did. It was there that I met my soulmate. She was this blonde girl with blue eyes and a few missing teeth but she had a swastika tattoo too but on her right shoulder. We would press em together real hard and the tips would meet. That always made uncle flint real jealous for some reason but I reckon we touched tips quite enough in my youth. We got married in a small shack in Vegas and dressed up real fancy. Then we stayed up real late talking about government conspiracies and the AIDS we both got from our daddies. We decided for our honeymoon we would fuck a bunch and then commit some genocide like Mr and Mrs Hitler.

It was at this time I found out I weren't getting money from Sissy no more. Turns out she cheated on her boyfriend something like 100 times but then she went on and blabbed about how the Earth was actually round. And if that weren't the straw the broke the donkey's back. He kicked her out right then and there and told her to never come back cause the CIA done got to her and corrupted her mind. So before our ethnic cleansing we had to make sure Sissy was okay. Turns out her boyfriend was right. She was plain crazy saying that the moon was real and everything. We did the humane thing and smashed her head in with a pipe wrench. After that we bombed some spook churches, torched a bunch of jew homes, and stabbed a bunch of mexicans. By that time the cops had caught wind of our heavenly endeavors but we was on a roll and ain't nothing stopping us. We continued to shoot up some gook restaurants, arab embassies, and schools for the blind and at the end of it we was gonna shoot ourselves. I didn't think she'd go through with it though so here I am rotting in prison but jokes on them cause I'm dying of AIDS.

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