A Letter to Self

by Tom Duntley

A Letter to Self

(Pain Pill Addiction)

"Tommy, do you have you bags packed? We are off on our journey again. This time take this letter!!!"

Dear me,

I am writing this while I have a moment of clear thought and purpose with regards to our ongoing addiction(s) and relapse(s). Once again we have overcome the pains of Detox and contrary to popular belief, the worse is still ahead. The physical aspects of withdrawal will ever so slowly pass, but a new intruder lies patiently in the dark corners of our mind to attempt to steal our life and enslave us once again.

Post Detox~

Depression and lethargy will be waiting for their turn to trample our mind while we grieve in some strange way the death of our beloved drug of choice. And perhaps just like being on the rebound of a failed love, we may entertain the thought of replacing the void in our heart with a new attractive vice. This does not merely necessitate alcohol or drugs either. Keep in mind that it is not too far off base to suggest our perception is distorted at this time. Unrealistic expectations will begin to pop up like weeds in fertile soil. Any mind altering substance that we engage in at this time will only serve as a temporary countermeasure, teasing our mind as to what once was and will inevitably lead us back to the lonely cell off addiction.

Denial~

It is funny how as the sun starts to break through the clouds and paints our face with warming yellows. It somehow has a mind altering effect. But be not fooled, it is a lion in sheep's clothing. After a month or so has passed, and our mood is somehow lifted, our friend Denial will show up right on time to whisper lies into our ear. Do you remember the seductive voice not so very long ago?," The detoxing wasn't so bad, let's just start over and take a little. You addiction is nothing compared to the other people you have read about. After all, it's not like your spiking H for crying out loud! And these meeting? Give me a break, you don't have time for that. Your too tired and have to get your rest...take a pill or four and relax, you earned it...

Who is this strange dude...Me!~

Alright then, here is our favorite part. Now that we have resisted "Denial" and told her to go flirt with someone else, a very peculiar face is peering through a hole that he just smashed through the door. I hear a disturbing drawn out call,"Heeeeerrre's TOMMY!!! Without hesitation I let him in, after all...It's just me. Yet something appears different, his 6'4 frame appears to have shrank, he doesn't seem so cool and tough anymore. It appears he has been crying. " Hey Me! What have you been doing? "" Well", he replies somberly, "I have been digging up bones that have been covered up during the years of our addictions. They all have words written on them like forgiveness, resentment, anger, bitterness, betrayal, hate, and loneliness. There is too many for me to carry alone. These belong to us!" Stunned at the magnitude of such a finding I yell back, "Well for crying out loud! Put them back you dumb ass!" "I don't think I can," he cries hysterically. "We have to cover them up with these pills and alcohol again, it's the only way!" I concede...

Guilt~

Unfortunately we gave in just as we made it to the top of the mountain. It reminds me of hikers who attempt to summit Mt. Everest. By either not following the people who have gone before and following their instructions to the letter. You find yourself unable to make the final push. Disoriented from the bone chilling cold and lack of oxygen you are forced to turn back. Only to find out you had only 300 yards to go. How where you to know you were so close? Well perhaps if we would have followed and put trust in a guide who had been there before they could have assured us and helped us the rest of the way! I wish we would have. When we got back to base camp and engaged in our hedonistic activities, We only received guilt instead of pleasure. Let the guilt go and get going...

Final Thoughts and Instructions~

This is as far as we got on our first journey Mr. Me. 60 long days, we worked our fingers to the bone, and what did we get? Boney fingers! So this is a warning, not only to myself but to others. After the drug haze is lifted and the long grueling flood of emotions become stable. And our perception is somewhat dialed into reality. We will be stuck with the person we have been trying to bury and they are not coming alone, they have pains and secrets that need to be healed. Get a head start, go to therapy, go to meetings, help other's in order to get your mind off yourself. Take up a hobby, learn something new. And especially enjoy the free things that are available daily like Love. I'm going to start with me...

Today, I have not used...

~Tommy

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